18 Outrageously Bad Sex Tips For Men

Most terrible sex advice is aimed at women. But men get their share of questionable tips as well.

While the lion's share of bad relationship advice is aimed at women (e.g. fellating pastries somehow leads to a more fulfilling sex life), there's plenty of terrible advice directed at dudes, too, often involving a salient combination of manipulation, foodstuffs and math. Here are the worst offenders, from pickup artists, Men's Health, Maxim, and beyond.

1. "Pop your chap in a jar of Nutella, then present it to your lady. Be rewarded with a very enthusiastic blowjob." (Maxim UK)

We've been known to joke about boning Nutella before, so we can't harp too much, but if you present your lady with a brown, gooey dick, she's going to have questions, and none of those will be, "May I enthusiastically blow you?" Also does this work in reverse? 'Cause this Hot Pocket in my vagina's not gonna eat itself.

2. "After your workout, reinforce her rising T with a sweaty makeout session: male saliva has 10 to 15 times more testosterone than the female's does… So prolonged french kissing may give a woman enough of a boost in testosterone to stimulate her interest chemically." (Men's Health)

Yes, it's definitely your testosterone-laden saliva that's making us "chemically interested." If the prolonged french kissing doesn't seem to be doing the trick, try spitting in her face.

3. "A woman may want financial and family security, but she does not want passion security. In the same manner, when she has displeased you, punish swiftly, but when she has done you right, reward slowly." (Chateau Heartiste,pickup artist site)

It works for the Dog Whisperer so it must be true.

4. Take a pearl necklace and "lightly lubricate the pearls and your penis. Have your partner wrap the pearls around the shaft and slowly stroke up and down with a gentle rotation." (Men's Health)

Now put your dick in her ear. Can she hear the ocean?

5. "Wait three days to call her." (Three-Day Rule, Swingers)

For the love of god, she's not a sourdough starter. At its core, the three-day rule, enacted so you don't seem too desperate or eager, makes some sense. Except who calls people anymore, except when you're locked out of your house or your face is on fire? What if she texts you? Are you going to ignore it until Wednesday because of advice Vince Vaughn gave in the mid-'90s?  

We know you're playing it cool, man. We get it. Just fucking tell us when the next bowling date is going down. That's all we want to know. 

6. "Flirt with other women in front of her. Do not dissuade other women from flirting with you. Women will never admit this but jealousy excites them. The thought of you turning on another woman will arouse her sexually." (Cheateau Heartiste)

Of course women (and men) want their partner to be perceived as desirable to others. But intentionally trying to make your partner jealous is a pathetic power trip used by the most insecure. And no, women "will never admit" it because it's not true. Just like men "will never admit" they love surprise anal.

7. "[H]ave her kneel on the edge of the bed with her upper chest touching the mattress. This elongates the vaginal barrel, making it feel tighter… she'll enjoy the nipple stimulation from rubbing the mattress." (Men's Health)

It's like shooting fish in a vaginal barrel. We don't think mattress burn counts as "stimulation" though.

8. "Give your woman two-thirds of everything she gives you. For every three calls or texts, give her two back. Three declarations of love earn two in return. Three gifts; two nights out. Give her two displays of affection and stop until she has answered with three more. When she speaks, you reply with fewer words. When she emotes, you emote less… In her deepest loins it is what she truly wants." (Chateau Heartiste)

And if she responds with one word, reply with a series of monosyllabic grunts or through miming. She thinks she's got you in a box, but little does she know, it's INVISIBLE. Treating every exchange with women like a manipulative math problem is 3/4 stupid, 5/8 sad, and 100 percent guaranteed to make you into an ex variable.

Also, did he just call my loins shallow?

9. "Make sure she knows how beautiful she is and how sexually skilled she is, especially if she isn't — sexually skilled, that is." (Men's Health)

Once you've blown someone while also consuming your daily dose of carbohydrates at the same time, then we'll talk about "skills," okay?

10. "Try facial intercourse. This smooch mimics sex from foreplay to penetration, beginning with a tongue exploration inside the mouth. Rub your tongues together in small and large circles, then dart them in and out of your mouths as if you were having intercourse." (Men's Health)

Don't let your genitals hog all the attention while your face just sits there like a chump. Your face could be having sex with someone else's face! Complete with tongues darting in and out, just like the hokey pokey told us it was all about! We suggest you try this in a mirror first to see how much you resemble a lunatic ostrich.

11. "No woman in all of human history has ever looked better with short hair than she would with a head full of healthy locks… Short hair is a near-guarantee that a girl will be more abrasive, more masculine, and more deranged." (Return of Kings,pickup artist site)

To illustrate this, he shows a picture of Jennifer Lawrence, whom everyone knows is the most busted-ass troll ever to grace 10,000 glossy magazines. It's fine to have a preference, but don't act like your penis is the only one in the universe, Mr. Anonymous Wang-Bearer. Besides, pathologizing women based on hair length is about as stupid as determining someone's sexual identity by Mountain Dew consumption, or, well, as stupid as everything on Return of Kings.

12. "To ears deafened by political correctness, words like 'baby' and 'doll' sound condescending and sexist, to most women in relationships, they sound like love." (Men's Health)

Endearing pet names are only condescending/sexist when preceded by condescending/sexist remarks. To wit: "Need some help with that childproof cap, sugar?" is a surefire way to get a childproof cap to the eye.

13. "Stroke her forearm first. This area of the arm is packed with pleasure nerves that respond best to a touch traveling 1 to 10 centimeters per second... [to stimulate] an area of the brain associated with trust and affection." (Men's Health)

Plus, the ruler and stopwatch you'd need to have with you to measure this forearm stroking will show her that you know how to accessorize and count to 10.

14. "If she's feeling stimulated by you (not just sexually), her pupils will dilate." (Men's Health)

A ruler, a stopwatch, and an infrared pupillometer—got it. Boy, my man-satchel is getting heavy.

15. "If she moves her feet away from her body, adopting a more open-legged stance, you're golden. But if she crosses her legs or tucks them under her body, you may as well ask for the check and call it a night before dessert." (Men's Health)

Because prudes don't deserve pie! Or, you know, women who wear skirts or dresses and don't wish to beaver-flash unsuspecting passersby.

16. "Challenge her to strip PlayStation." (Men's Health)

"Strip video gaming is fun and sexy. Every time a character is killed, you must remove a piece of clothing." You know what's even more fun? Strip Stop Playing Fucking Video Games All Day and Have Sex with Me Already.

17. "Pour peppermint schnapps in her belly button...

I'm going to stop you there because if you're drinking schnapps on purpose you're probably a high school sophomore and shouldn't be reading this.

18. ...Sip it. Then kiss her breasts and blow on the spots you kissed. The peppermint schnapps and air will cause a cool sensation and heighten arousal." (Men's Health)

Or she'll be angry that you spilled your giggle-water on her nice duvet cover.

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Tips For Transitioning From a Long-Distance Relationship

Transitioning from a long-distance relationship to having your loved one move nearby is an exciting step as a couple, but Dear Wendy gives us eight tips that can help you adjust to life together.

I get a lot of letters from people who are in long distance relationships or are about to start LDRs who want tips for how to make them work. Many of you know my own relationship — now marriage — began long distance, so I learned a few things in the year and a half Drew and I lived on different sides of the country (you can see some of my tips here). But what about when LDRs are so successful, one or both parties make a move and the relationship eventually becomes short distance? Transitioning from living hundreds of miles apart to living in the same town, or even the same apartment, can be a little bumpy, but there are some things you can do to ensure a smoother ride. After the jump, eight tips for transitioning from a long distance relationship to living nearby (or together!).

1. Get separate places. (Or at least plan to eventually get separate places).
This tip is especially essential if you and your significant other have never lived in the same town or if it's been more than a year since you lived nearby. Living apart, you develop your own routines and ways of doing and liking things just so that rarely affect your significant other. Living together in the same place is a totally different story, and that hour you spend at six in the morning singing scales to "get your voice warmed up for the day" may put undue pressure on a relationship that's very much adjusting to a whole lot of newness.

That said, I have to admit that I did not get my own place when I moved from Chicago to New York to be with Drew. But I had planned on it — or at least, that was the story I was sticking to. I left most of my things in storage in Chicago and brought a few suitcases and my two cats to New York, where the plan was to stay with Drew until I found a job and my own apartment. In the back of my head, I suspected if things went really well, and we loved living together, I might just stay there. But I didn't communicate that little idea with Drew. I knew doing so would put a lot of pressure on us to make it work. I wanted to see if it would work naturally. Luckily, it did. But if it had gone terribly, and I not only hated living with Drew, but I hated living in New York, I at least hadn't yet paid to move all my things across the country, which leads me to tip number two.

2. Leave a trail of breadcrumbs to find your way home.
What I mean by this is: if you're the one making the move, make sure you give yourself a way to get back to where you've moved from (or somewhere else you could move to) if things don't work out where you're going. Moving is always a leap of faith, and is love. Moving for love is really putting your heart on the line, so it's important to give yourself a few safety nets. For me, that meant leaving most of my belongings in Chicago until I was sure I wanted to stay in New York. For someone else, it might mean subletting or renting out an apartment or house you aren't ready to let go of. Maybe it simply means having enough money set aside for a plane ticket home. Whatever "safety net" means for you, make sure you've got one. The last thing you want is to be miserable in a brand new city (or country, even) and not have any idea how to get back to the life you've left behind.

Related: Dear Wendy: "My Internet Boyfriend Doesn't Have Time for Me"

3. Make space for each other.
If you do plan to move in together — even temporarily — it's important to make space for each other's things and routines. Going from two apartments to one will surely mean downsizing at least a little bit. You'll need to set aside space in the closet and dresser drawers for the other person's belongings. You'll also need to respect that if your significant other has a routine, like, say, practicing the guitar for an hour every other night, you'll need to respect that routine and get out of his or her way during that designated time, which brings me to the next tip.

4. Keep some of your own space.
If you're the one who practices guitar — or yoga, or what have you — every other night, don't give that up just because your long distance love has moved close. The hobbies and activities that you enjoy — the things you're passionate about — make you who you are. And while it's important and necessary to adjust your schedule a little and make space for the VIP in your life, it shouldn't be at the exclusion of everything else that makes you happy. So, instead of getting rid of your hobbies altogether, consider cutting back on the time you invest in them. Or, if you were taking a different class every night of the week to keep yourself busy when you're significant other lived far away, think about choosing just one or two classes to keep and eliminating some of the ones you're less passionate about. Then, use the extra time you've freed up in your schedule to invest in your relationship. It's investment that can yield the highest of returns.

Related: Dear Wendy: "I'm Always the Other Woman"

5. Make (or keep) your own friends.
Whether you're the person who's making the move, or the one who is staying put, it's important to have a set of friends that you, and you alone, spend time with. Now that you'll be a couple in the same city, you'll find yourself doing lots of couple-y activities — and that's all fine and good — but it's that time away from your partner when you're with other people that will remind you that you are a YOU before you're a WE, and that's a very important thing to be reminded of on a regular basis.

6. Keep in touch with your old friends and family.
This is a tip that's pretty exclusive to the person doing the moving, but it's a super important one to list nonetheless. Make sure you do whatever you can to stay close to the people you've left behind to follow your heart. Not only are they part of those breadcrumbs back home that I mentioned in tip number two, they will help alleviate the loneliness and isolation you may feel in a brand new city where you don't know many people (at first). Visit them when you can, call, email, text, send letters — whatever you preferred method(s) of communication, do it and do it often. Those people who know you and love you will be instrumental in keeping you grounded when you feel overwhelmed by your new life and surroundings. And, as you adjust to your new life, it's as important to keep the ties to your old one strong. There's nothing like an old friend to remind you how far you've come and how much you're loved.

Related: Dear Wendy: "My Boyfriend Got His Ex Pregnant with a Turkey Baster"

7. Give it at least three months.
It takes about ninety days to adjust to new surroundings and big change. So, even if you hate your new life, give it ninety days — about three months — before you decide to go back home or break up. Making any big decision before that would be premature and could possibly cause you to miss out on something really great.

8. Discover places and activities that are new to both of you.
If only one of you has made the move, it may seem like only one of you is making new discoveries on a regular basis. But that doesn't have to be the case at all. Especially if you live in a large city — like New York, for example — there are always new things to discover, even if you were born and raised here like Drew was. I found it really helpful when I first moved to New York, to find things that Drew had never done — restaurants he'd never tried, shows he hadn't seen, tours he hadn't been on — and experience them for the first time together (or, even better, introducing them to Drew after I discovered them on my own). This gives the new person a sense of shared ownership and makes the new city seem less like "his/her town" and more like "our town."

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Gareth Bale: I'm happy at Real Madrid, the fans love me... and Cristiano Ronaldo hasn't spoken to me about not passing!

• Gareth Bale was speaking on Spanish radio station Cadena Ser on Tuesday
• The Real Madrid winger insists he and Cristiano Ronaldo are still friends
• Bale was accused of 'ball hogging' during La Liga game in January
• Was booed by sections of the Bernabeu but says he loves playing at home

By Rik Sharma

Published: 20:03 EST, 27 January 2015 | Updated: 20:03 EST, 27 January 2015

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Gareth Bale has dismissed speculation over a transfer to Manchester United and insists his relationship with Real Madrid team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo is as strong as ever.

The Welsh forward said that he has several years left on his Madrid deal and tried to put to bed rumours that he wasn't happy in the Spanish capital.

Bale spoke on Cadena SER radio show 'El Larguero' on Tuesday night, where host Jose Ramon de la Morena described him as 'shy, introverted and simple'.

Gareth Bale was sp eaking on Spanish radio station Cadena Ser on Tuesday night

Gareth Bale says his relationship with star Real Madrid team-mate Cristiano Ronaldo hasn't changed

Bale was called a 'ball hog' earlier in the season after not passing to Ronaldo during a game with Espanyol

When asked about the recent allegations that he was selfish for not passing to Ronaldo when through on goal, Bale replied: 'All I can remember is going for the ball and feeling very focused on trying to score. I didn't see him, I think it would have been a difficult pass. I haven't spoken to Cristiano about not passing the ball.

'I don't know how much importance was given to it (by the media) but I'm sure people talk a lot about it. But it happens all the time on the football pitch in every team.

'We didn't speak about it at all. What happens on the pitch stays on the pitch and there's nothing personal after.'

Bale was whistled by the Bernabeu crowd after the incident, despite being the man who won them the Copa del Rey again st Barcelona and scored a crucial goal in their Champions League triumph last May.

However, not passing to Ronaldo followed a similar incident where he failed to set up French striker Karim Benzema, and the fans did not let him off the hook. However, the 25-year-old insisted he loves playing at the Santiago Bernabeu.

Bale and Ronaldo celebrate after the latter scored against Getafe at the Alonso Perez stadium in January

Bale: 'I feel happy, I feel the love from the crowd. I want to show them what I can do on the football pitch.'

'I feel like I'm doing well on the pitch, I score goals, give assists, play each game in my way, it's how I like it,' he said.

'Yeah, I feel happy, I feel the love from the crowd. I want to show them what I can do on the football pitch and win as many trophies as I can.'

'The fans are amazing. I love playing at home, at the Bernabeu, and trying to score more goals, it's what I love to do. It's really exciting to play at home and to score goals.'

Bale has 36 goals in 72 games for Real Madrid, with 25 of those coming in 43 league games, but some have suggested he is looking for an exit route to Old Trafford.

But the Los Blancos star - and the most expensive player in the world - said, when asked if it was possible he could leave: 'For me, no. I've done an interview recently crushing the rumours that I'm not happy here. I've got four and a half more years to go on the contract.'

The host questioned Bale about the general perception that he prefers to stay in, rather than go out and enjoy himself in Madrid.

However, the Welshman said that he did enjoy going out but tries to do it secretly so he can live his life in peace.

'I go out for food quite a lot but try and hide it, and go under the radar,' he said. 'I like to go out with my family and friends and try to live life as normal.

'I've been there (Gran Via, a main street in Madrid) a few times with family and friends, trying to keep a low profile, wearing a hat. It's nice to come out and experience parts of Madrid.'

With Ronaldo set to be suspended for two games or more after being sent off against Cordoba, Bale may have the opportunity to play on the left, where he did for Tottenham.

Bale celebrates after scoring against Cordoba - he could now get a run in the team on the left wing

Ronaldo says he tries to 'keep a low profile' in Madrid but also attempts to see the sights

Former Tottenham star Bale: 'I used to actually like Arsenal a lot . Therry Henry and Vieira were amazing.'

But he said that he is happy to play wherever manager Carlo Ancelotti requires him to.

'The manager picks the team,' he explained. 'I enjoy playing anywhere across the front line, on the right, on the left, in the centre.'

Much of the rest of the interview focused on more trivial affairs, with Bale admitting that he has a golf handicap of eight, and that he used to love watching Zinedine Zidane and Ronaldo play for Real Madrid back when he was a boy.

However, one line may upset Tottenham fans hoping that Bale may return to White Hart Lane one day. As Theo Walcott had claimed a few years ago, Bale's blood bleeds red - red for Arsenal.

'I used to actually like Arsenal a lot,' he admitted. 'But when I went to Tottenham I went away from Arsenal. Thierry Henry and Patrick Vieira were amazing footballers.' 

 

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Cougar Town Season 6 Episode 4 Review: Waiting for Tonight

Who knew Pixar could be so painful?

Date night catastrophes, Buzz Lightyear, and Twitter shenanigans all seemed to conspire against Jules and Grayson in Cougar Town Season 6 Episode 4.

You never really realize just how much time the cul-de-sac crew spends together until one of the characters shamelessly points it out. They're literally always glued to each other's side, to the point where Grayson can actually narrate the scene as it's happening, he's so used to baby interruptions and neighborly visits. So understandably, he wants one romantic evening alone with his lady love. Tough luck, buddy.

As a Toy Story fanatic - yes I cried during the third movie, I'm not ashamed - I was pumped to see Andy actually squeeze himself into a Buzz Lightyear costume. He looked incredibly silly, but it was still awesome. Even more awesome was the conundrum of how to get him out of the suit once he was stuck. This might not have been hard-hitting television, but everyone needs a good slapstick comedic moment now and again.

Travis: That thing's on you like a bear trap. Is there at least a zipper so you can go to the bathroom?
Andy: I don't have to go anymore...
Travis: What?
Andy: What?

Meanwhile, Ellie finds her newfound solitude a little boring and takes charge of Laurie's Twitter account for the day. At first, the role reversal felt pretty jarring - seeing Ellie use "Laurie Speak" was not something I ever expected to hear - but it definitely had me giggling.

Laurie's Twitter needed handling in the first place because she and Travis have finally planned a night together without the baby. Something that seems exciting for them, but everyone else finds unbearably disgusting to think about, much to Travis' chagrin. 

Laurie: Today baby Bobby turns 6 weeks old!
Travis: And 6 weeks after childbirth means Laurie and I can finally... officially... get it on.
Ellie: Ugh.
Andy: Bleh.

Travis has grown up so much over the years, it's sometimes hard to remember that he's technically not in the same generation as the "grown-ups." He's Jules' son for crying out loud. I found it totally understandable that they would have an adverse reaction to the idea of him having sex. Even if he's been inducted into the parent's club, he's still probably a kid in their eyes, and no one wants to think about their kid having sex.

After much pouting, frustration, and two minor car accidents, Grayson and Jules finally get their dinner together. With all the obvious comedy going on, sometimes it's nice to watch these two just hunker down and have a real romantic moment. It makes it all count, you know?

As we're hitting the halfway mark for the season, I have to wonder... what are we in for next? I made a pretty risky prediction that Jules might end up pregnant at the end of this season, but we've seen no more hints of that yet. 

Do you think Jules will end up pregnant? Will Travis and Laurie master parenthood? Sound off in comments below!

Be sure to go back and watch Cougar Town online to relive all the giggles! 

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Duck Dynasty Wife: The More Christians on Reality TV, the Better

Jessica Robertson belongs to a big, unusual family—evangelical Christians made famous by their popular duck-call company Duck Commander and the hit A&E series Duck Dynasty.

Since its premiere three years ago, the show has set cable reality TV records, attracting millions of viewers and hundreds of millions of dollars in marketing. Despite its recognizable, bushy-bearded stars (Phil Robertson and his goofy brother Uncle Si, plus sons Alan, Willie, Jase, and Jep), their supportive wives (matriarch "Miss Kay," and Lisa, Korie, Missy, and Jessica) bring humor and heart to each episode.

Through the show, now in its seventh season, "we spend more time together, and those relationships have grown and deepened," said Jessica, 34, who married the youngest Robertson son, Jep. Their family of six recently moved onto the same street as his three older brothers, in their northeast Louisiana hometown, West Monroe.

While many rant about meddling in-laws, Jessica raves about hers. She praises her mother-in-law and sisters-in-law for helping strengthen her marriage. And despite our skepticism over the fame and overexposure of reality TV, Jessica says the platform gave her the confidence to share her faith on a large scale.

Jessica and the fellow women of Duck Dynasty will speak at next month's Heart to Home Conference, a women's ministry and mentorship program they've been involved in through their church (a local Church of Christ congregation). She also recently completed a book with her husband about seeking God through struggles in marriage, The Good, the Bad, and the Grace of God (Thomas Nelson, June 2015).

Jessica talked to Her.meneutics editor Kate Shellnutt about what it's like to become famous enough to find your face on a cutting board, the significance of Christian witness on reality TV, and how hunting's a family affair.

When you started dating your husband, Jep, what were your initial impressions of the Robertson family, your in-laws?

Right away Miss Kay and Lisa reached out to me. Without them, I don't know if Jep and I would even have gotten married. I was going through a hard time, and they really showed Jesus to me. They showed forgiveness and love and understanding. I cling to their friendships, and Jep and I spent a lot of time at Lisa and Alan's house, listening to what they had to say about life and marriage and our walk with Christ. Right away, I fell in the love with the family.

What did you initially think about the idea of a reality show? I bet it was hard to imagine what Duck Dynasty would be like since there wasn't any other show like it.

We didn't really have huge expectations. At the time our family was doing a reality show with an outdoor channel, and it was called The Duck Commander Show. It was mainly hunting, and it had some family time, but primarily it was about the men and their hunting.

We really just thought, "Oh, it'll be fun to do. It'll have more family time, more things with the kids." We came together and we prayed about it, and we talked about it, and we were like, "Well, it won't hurt to try." I don't think anybody could have predicted what it could be today. It was a shock and a blessing.

It seems like Duck Dynasty branded merchandise is everywhere now, including stuff with your face and branded "Women of Duck Dynasty." I saw the new handbags (from Dooney and Bourke). I wonder what it's been like to deal with all the endorsements and opportunities. How do you to keep fame and pride from taking over?

It's human nature, and it's a struggle with everybody, no matter how much income you have, where you're at in life, or whether you're in the public eye. Before fame came, when we had a little trailer out on Jase and Missy's land when we first got married, we didn't have any money, but we still liked nice things and we still wanted them.

A&E, they actually own Duck Dynasty the name, so anything that says Duck Dynasty and gets put out there with our faces, they own. I don't even see approval for all the stuff. We walk in the store and see something—see a puzzle with my face on it or a butcher block—and I'm like, "What? That's so strange." I don't think you ever really get used to it. You just have to laugh about it.

We all keep each other grounded, and I don't think anybody's changed in a negative way. I feel like we have this huge opportunity and platform to share our faith and our love with people. That's what I hope what everyone sees about us, the Robertsons, that we really love each other and we love our neighbor, and we love God most of all.

We know that fame comes and goes, and one day there'll be a new family that people like a lot. We're all okay with that. We're all okay with going back to being moms and wives and husbands and sisters…. We have such a great support system, and we all stay plugged into our church family and our normal relationships and friends. I don't think those things have changed.

You mentioned how the show has also been a vehicle for ministry and evangelism for your family. Your husband shares his story in an I Am Second video. What are some things related to ministry that you have gotten involved in?

One thing we did was we went on the Duck Commander Cruise. We didn't know how it was going to turn out. We're going to get on a cruise full of 2,000 of our "best friends"? But there were over 200 baptisms on that boat. That in itself is like, "This is why we do it. This right here is where we can share our faith and the love of Christ with other people."

Jep and I being the youngest, of course he is quieter than all the brothers and a little shyer—he still hilarious, he has that Robertson wit—but we never really pictured ourselves going out and sharing our testimony or our faith. We were still coming into it, but really the show has pushed us. Now we get more and more comfortable doing that and getting on stage.

Tell me about the Heart to Home ministry. What's the importance of women's ministry to you?

Heart to Home started a few years after Jep and I got married, and it definitely made a huge impact in my life. Being young and married and not really knowing each other that well, we had more obstacles than people who'd dated for years. We started dating in June and got married in October. We knew each other maybe about seven months. The women who have mentored me have helped me realize there is always hope and you never give up on marriage or on your walk with Christ.... And it's not all serious. It's getting together and laughing and sharing good stories. It's cooking together and sharing recipes

I'm really hoping I can encourage the young people to get out of their comfort zones and sign up for these things…. there were times that I didn't really have a close friend in my age group, but I just had to step out of my comfort zone and go, and trust me, it was a blessing every time. Hopefully this conference will shine a light on Heart to Home, and people will be willing to start these programs in the church. We really need that. We need the guidance from all these women who've lived their lives and can share about love and wisdom Christ has shown them.

Speaking of women getting together, I saw you recently met Jen Hatmaker, another Christian who's appeared on cable with her family. What did you talk about? Did you have advice for the Hatmakers about being on reality TV?

They were just so sweet. If they do another show, it's just going to have a great impact. The more Christian shows out there, the more good influence we have, the better. Jesus is doing so much in their lives, and for them to do that—it's not an easy thing to do. You're giving away a huge portion of your time and your life. You have to know it's not just a 9-to-5 job. It is somewhat of a sacrifice, but God has a plan and he has something bigger.

As a mother of four, what do you do to instill Christian values in your children, especially with the busyness of your schedule and the attention of being on reality TV?

One thing I encourage people is that it's not all on you. It takes a village, and I think you need to put your children around other Christian people because when you're not there or your eyes are not on your children, you know that they're enforcing the same rules and the same guidelines that you have. If I'm not around and my kids are with Korie or with Kay, I know that they're not going to let them get away with anything, and they're going to enforce good values for them.

We have Scriptures up all over the house. The fruit of the Spirit is up in our living room, and we try to talk about that almost daily. We'll draw names and that week we'll work on one fruit of the Spirit. The little ones, if they catch their sister acting not kind or going against what they're supposed to be working on, they'll call them out. It's pretty funny, they'll be like, "Uh, you're being ugly! You've gotta be kind!" or "You've gotta be joyous! Stop being negative!"

It's important to keep the Scripture in your life and keep communication with your kids.… We're really open and honest about things people don't really want to talk about with their kids, and we do it in a nonchalant way. If you don't make huge deals about things, the kids will not feel insecure or think they have to hide things in such a way that I know a lot of kids do…. When they get to that age where they're questioning Jesus, I want them to feel like they can come to me, and we'll talk about it.

One of the biggest controversies or tense moments for the show was a little over a year ago when there was that pressure on Phil over his remarks [on homosexuality]. Did that controversy spill over on you guys? What were you thinking when he was going through that?

We just stood by each other. We love each other, and we are not going to make any member of the family feel like they're not loved or not supported.

When all that came about… the writer misconstrued it, they wanted it to be something terrible, and if you're in some sort of television or social media or writing or radio or blogging, you know how that works. You could see how someone could do that. But we didn't look at it as this horrific thing, we looked at it like the Evil One is trying to destroy the platform. I know the real deal, and I know the real Phil and Kay. Their love of Christ exuberates onto other people. If you were around them, you would see that in their lives.

On the show, it's clear that you and the other wives are really faithful and stand by your men. Do you ever receive backlash from viewers? Do you find that people critique you as women?

I don't think so, not in that sense. I know Candace Cameron Burr, she kind of got chastised for saying she's a submissive wife. The world views submissive as a negative thing, and we view it as a positive thing. The only difference between the world's view of the word submissive and a Christian's view is—if your husband has to say, "Be submissive," it's totally missing the point. Being a submissive wife, you don't think about it. You do things out of love. I respect my husband, and I do things that he would want me to do. The same that he would do for me. He would not do something if he thought, "Jessica wouldn't like this." Those are things that are negative in the world, more self-gratifying, and we don't view life like that. It's not a take, take, take world for Christians.

I think one of the things people are amused by on the show is that the wives are all these articulate, put-together, beautiful ladies, and their husbands are these burly, bearded hunters. I heard that you're a little more into hunting than some of the other wives. Is that true? Will you go out and hunt?

I do. I grew up going hunting with my dad, and we fished and everything. It doesn't gross me out or anything. Jep and I haven't gotten to hunt together in years. It's just hard to go out with little ones. I'd have to get a babysitter. It doesn't fit our schedule right now, but I enjoy it. I like going out there and being with him. I like the outdoors, and we do hunt to feed our family—when we kill a deer, we eat on it all year until it's gone, the same with ducks and everything else.

Lily went two years ago, our 12-year-old. She was 10 at the time. She got her first deer with her dad, and she helped skin it and clean it. Not that the women have to go out and provide, but it's important, no matter if it's a girl or a boy, to get out there and be with their dad in nature. Or their moms. I had aunts and my grandmother hunting. I definitely want to get into it more when the kids are a little older and they can all go with us.

This interview has been edited for length.

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The myth of the American love affair with cars

Detroit Publishing Company Photograph Collection, Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division

For decades, Americans have been in love with the automobile — or so the saying goes. This single idea has been a central premise of transportation policy, pop culture and national history for the last half-century. It animates how we think about designing the world around us, and how we talk about dissidents in our midst who dislike cars.

"This 'love affair' thesis is like the ultimate story," says Peter Norton, a historian at the University of Virginia, who warns that we need to revisit how we came to believe this line before we embrace its logical conclusion in a future full of driverless cars. "It's one of the biggest public relations coups of all time. It's always treated as folk wisdom, as an organic growth from society. One of the signs of its success is that everyone forgets it was invented as a public relations campaign."

This "love affair" was coined, in fact, during a 1961 episode of a weekly hour-long television program called the DuPont Show of the Week (sponsored, incidentally, by DuPont, which owned a 23 percent stake in General Motors at the time). The program, titled "Merrily We Roll Along," was promoted by DuPont as "the story of America's love affair with the automobile."

In it, Groucho Marx recounted that history to millions of Americans with a curious metaphor — the driver as the man, the car as the new girl in town ("Lizzie" was her name). Their "burning love affair" led to marriage, an extended honeymoon, and, inevitably, a few challenges.

"We don't always know how to get along with her, but you certainly can't get along without her," Marx concluded. "And if that isn't marriage, I don't know what is."

The show aired at a time when cars were facing steep criticism, as plans for the new interstate system threatened to destroy or disrupt neighborhoods in many U.S. cities. Highways were on their way to remaking Detroit, Cincinnati and St. Louis. Interstate 95 would ultimately raze entire black neighborhoods in Miami. In Washington, a grassroots group called the Emergency Committee on the Transportation Crisis was protesting "white men's roads thru black men's homes."

In New York, urbanist hero Jane Jacobs had gone to battle against a proposed road through Washington Square in Greenwich Village that would have replaced a public park with a thoroughfare for speeding cars.

The Cincinnati riverfront before and after the construction of Interstates 71 and 75. Aerial images from Shane Hampton, the Institute for Quality Communities at the University of Oklahoma.

The "love affair" story, Norton says, was a response to all this protest, and it successfully helped seed two ideas that have been entrenched ever since: that we're bound to cars by something stronger than need, and that people who challenge that bond are just turning up their noses at their fellow Americans.

"The most important thing [the show] said is that you can't criticize love with logic, " Norton says. "Love is blind, love will find a way, love will do whatever it takes."

In the half century since then, we have largely rebuilt American communities to accommodate this love, retrofitting cities to make space for cars, bulldozing old buildings so that we can park them, constructing new communities where it's not possible to get around without them.

"When that's criticized, the reply typically is 'well look, it's a free country, people voted with their pocketbooks to buy cars, they like the suburbs," Norton says. "I think that's a reasonable position to take. I'm troubled at how seldom people have stopped to question it, though. It is a story with a history."

The version of this story Groucho Marx spun evolved into a set of assumptions — Americans prefer cars to other forms of transportation, we'd rather have plentiful parking than bustling sidewalks, our roads should be reserved primarily for cars and not pedestrians — that we've now inherited as we begin to envision a future where driverless cars might make us dependent on automobiles in new ways. Those assumptions have become so deeply embedded, Norton says, that we've forgotten to question them.

"That makes stories," he adds, "the most powerful social tool in the world."

The lead art on a June 11, 1939 Washington Post story headlined "Pedestrian Involved in 40 Per Cent of Year's Casualties"

History that's been lost

This isn't to say that there aren't people who love their cars. The phenomenon of sports cars, weekend cars and collector cars is real. So, too, is the allure for many people of road trips, scenic highways or weekend drives through the country. Rather, the story Norton disputes, which he has written about in the book "Fighting Traffic: The Dawn of the Motor Age in the American City," is the history that says that we've built car-dependent cities and suburbs because that's what Americans wanted, the story that says all our surface parking lots and spaghetti interchanges are a pure product of American preferences.

"When I actually looked into the history record, documents from the time, I found just the opposite," Norton says. "What Americans in cities wanted in the '20s was to get the cars out."

Media at the time recount pedestrians ranting against the automobile as an intrusion and an undemocratic bully. Newspapers contained cartoons portraying rich drivers in luxury cars running over working-class kids. Three-quarters of traffic fatalities at the time were pedestrians.

In 1923, 42,000 people in Cincinnati signed a petition to put an ordinance on the ballot that would have forced all cars in town to include a speed governing device to prevent them from traveling faster than 25 miles an hour.

A letter to the editor published in the Washington Post on April 1, 1934.

"All of that history," Norton says, "has been lost."

So, too, has the history of how the auto industry responded. In the mid 1920s, Norton says, the industry began a concerted effort to fundamentally recast the problem: Cars weren't intruding on a public domain long freely used by pedestrians; pedestrians were wandering into roads that should be reserved for cars.

The auto industry effectively codified this idea in the crime of "jaywalking," which remains with us today. The industry then offered to analyze local crash data for newspapers, which began in the mid 1920s to run stories increasingly blaming pedestrians for their plight. A traffic court magistrate writing in the New York Times in 1924 lamented that it was suddenly the fashion to blame "jaywalkers" for 70 to 90 percent of accidents, creating a "smoke screen" to conceal the harm of cars and to override the legal rights of pedestrians.

"As it stands," the magistrate, W. Bruce Cobb wrote, "the motorist has won his contest for the use of the streets over the foot passengers, despite the present efforts of police, courts and motor vehicle authorities to regulate him and his kind. The motorist has inspired fear and the sort of respect that brute force inspires."

What cars gained through sheer force — the right of way in public space — the auto industry reinforced with a model municipal traffic ordinance. The code, drafted by a committee chaired by a Cadillac salesman, further formalized the basic governing assumption, which remains with us in cities across the country today, that streets are for cars, not people.

A future of driverless cars

The world that principle envisioned became reality. The highways that were proposed in the 1950s took concrete form. The idea that people wanted to drive cars became the necessity that they had to, and many of the things we came to prize — spacious homes, personal freedom, cheap real estate — grew dependent on and inseparable from them.

Today, even when we grumble about the misery of commuting in traffic, the culprit, invariably, isn't the car itself — it's the insufficient infrastructure that can't quite contain it. It's the highways that need widening, the roads that demand higher speed limits, the traffic lights that could use synchronizing.

Now, about 86 percent of Americans get to work every day in a private car – a statistic that's often interpreted to mean that the vast majority of us chose to travel that way.

This conclusion conflates preferences with constrained options. "I actually drive most of the way to work," Norton admits. "I do it because the choices stink." To extract from today's ubiquitous parking garages, drive-through restaurants and busy roads a preference for cars ignores all the ways that public policy, industry influence and economic incentives have shaped our travel behavior.

"If you locked me in a 7-Eleven for a week, and then after the end of the week unlocked the door and you studied my diet over the previous seven days, then concluded that I prefer highly processed, packaged foods to fresh fruits and vegetables, I would say your study is flawed," Norton says.

We make the same mistake, he says, with the history we tell of the car. And this popular story of that past makes it hard for us to envision alternative futures before us.

If you believe that cars are the best way to get everywhere — to the neighborhood grocer, to a job downtown, to a weekend vacation — then the prospect of driverless cars would only improve that picture. Now we can do work while we're driving to work! Now we can plan meals on the way to buying them! If you decide where to shop or dine based on the ease of parking, driverless cars can solve that problem, too. Soon cars will do all of our parking for us – or entirely eliminate the need!

This picture, though, doubles down on all the ideas we've inherited about cars, without considering that perhaps we may want some other future: one where "foot travelers" regain some of their lost rights to the public way, or where we create subway systems so appealing people who can afford BMWs prefer them. Maybe in this future driverless cars serve a specific purpose, not every purpose, and we're cautious about how we remake our cities to make way for them.

Norton isn't advocating nostalgia for pre-Model T America. He's suggesting that we reconsider the story of how we arrived today at a world where cities like New Haven and Hartford were remade in the image of parking lots:

Surface parking lots and garages identified in red in research by Chris McCahill, Norman Garrick and Carol Atkinson-Palombo. Courtesy of Chris McCahill at the State Smart Transportation Institute

Or where downtown Chicago no longer looks like this:

State Street in Chicago, photographed in 1903 by Underwood & Underwood. Library of Congress Prints and Photographs Division

"It's the history that gives us the assumptions that limit our choices," he says. History reminds us the car-dominated city wasn't the inevitable path of progress, but one path among others not taken. History also teaches us that we should be skeptical of the power of 21^st century stories in the tradition of the American "love affair with cars" — like the narrative today that urban elitists who advocate for other forms of transportation are waging a "war on cars."

Surely that phrase would be laughable to people who once feared a war on pedestrians.

"I would love it if we could send somebody from 1915 to 2015 and just ask them to comment on Springfield, Virginia, or Tysons Corner, and just say 'could you tell us a little about what you think when you use this stuff, how impressed you are with our progress from your day?,'" Norton says. "I feel pretty confident — because I spend a lot of time reading those points of view — that person would say 'I'm impressed by how much you've built, but you guys are nuts.'"

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Aussie viewers will be swamped with more than 1500 hours of reality TV shows in 2015

A preview of the 2015 season of My Kitchen Rules

Not again? ... Australians are about to be saturated with more reality TV including shows like My Kitchen Rules. Source: Supplied

HOW much more reality television can Aussie viewers take? That is the question I'm asking myself after scoping the 2015 program line-ups for Channels 7, Nine and Ten.

All three commercial networks are set to swamp us with wall-to-wall reality shows whether we like it or not.

By my calculations viewers will have to endure in excess of 1500 hours of local reality programming throughout the year.

RATINGS WAR: Networks fire their big guns

TRIPLE THREAT: Nine makes shock changes to The Block

That is more renovation, more cooking, more singing, and more dating than ever before.

Nine is rolling out another two series of The Block, starting with Triple Threat, featuring the return of Darren and Deanne Jolly. The show's producers will also unleash Renovation Rumble, with former stars of The Block and House Rules.

Do you love or loathe reality TV? Tell us below.

TV war ... three former teams on The Block Triple Threat including Deanne and Darren Jolly (far right). Source: Channel 9

Seven is doubling the output of House Rules with two series set for next year. Seven will also launch Restaurant Renovation, where teams will renovate and run their own eatery.

Seven will start the year with another series of My Kitchen Rules, with Pete Evans and Manu Feildel, boasting that it will have more instant restaurant rounds than ever before.

Cook off ... 2015 Victorian MKR contestants Ash Pollard and Camilla Counsel. Picture: Jake Nowakowski Source: News Corp Australia

Talent shows The Voice (Nine) and The X Factor (Seven) will also return despite big ratings drops last year.

Ten is betting big on reality with I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here, filmed in South Africa and hosted by Dr Chris Brown and Julia Morris, set to screen five nights a week.

I'm A Celebrity ... Get Me Out Of Here! hosts Julia Morris and Chris Brown. Source: Supplied

Ten will also launch a local version of Shark Tank, where people pitch their inventions to business gurus.

Ten is making The Bachelorette as well as The Bachelor and is promising, or should that be threatening, to bring back The Biggest Loser.

MasterChef Australia will be back for a seventh season.

That is one heck of a lot of reality and most of it is just more of the same. Pretty much all of it will screen at 7.30pm so you will have to go to Foxtel, the ABC or SBS for an alternative.

Anyone hankering for a good meaty drama or decent comedy on Seven, Nine or Ten will have to wait until at least 8.30pm, and more probably 9pm, each night.

More reality TV ... Masterchef will return this year. Picture: Supplied Source: Supplied

How long will it be before viewers develop 'reality fatigue' and start switching off?

If 2014 is anything to go by, they already have. Most of the reality shows in the final third of last year were ratings flops. The Big Adventure, Big Brother, and Beauty and the Geek Australia all sank like stones.

The same thing is happening in America, where all the major reality shows are in a slump. American Idol has been cut back after dropping a whopping 27 per cent last season.

Former US ratings powerhouses Survivor and Dancing with the Stars are long in the tooth and cult hit Duck Dynasty has plunged.

Big budget Utopia, where contestants had to build a new society, was a dud, cancelled mid-season.

According to the Hollywood Reporter, all of the major US networks — ABC, CBS, Fox and NBC — have cut back on reality shows — from 20 to 13 hours per week in the space of three years.

Scripted dramas and comedies are the name of the game in America now.

Aussie TV networks seem determined to ignore the trend. You can count the number of exciting new local scripted commercial TV shows on one hand — The Peter Brock Story, Gallipoli, Winter, and The House of Hancock.

Gallipoli miniseries ... Tolly (Kodi Smit-McPhee) makes his way up the ridge, gun at the ready. Picture: Ben King Source: Supplied

Critics would accuse local networks of laziness or a lack of creativity but it is more complicated than that.

Aussie networks love reality shows because they can integrate so much product placement, on top of advertisements, into each episode. Money talks.

Reality shows are also more flexible than dramas and comedies. If a reality show is rating well, program chiefs can quickly order more episodes or extend run-times from 60 to 90 minutes because there is so much available footage.

The best reality shows also generate a lot of social media chatter. When The Bachelor's Blake Garvey switched girlfriends Twitter went into hyperdrive.

Love rat ... The Bachelor of 2014 Blake Garvey and girlfriend Louise Pillidge. Source: News Corp Australia

Reality shows are also more likely to be watched live by viewers. People will often record dramas and comedies for later binge viewing — something networks still don't fully know how to monetise.

So I get it — but that doesn't make me any happier with the outcome.

There was way too much reality TV on our screens in 2014 and the problem is set to get far worse in 2015.

The prospect of watching more nails hammered into walls, more meals being cooked and more roses being handed out has me reaching for the remote control — to turn the TV off.

I suspect plenty of other viewers will want to do the same. That's the reality.

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