If This Isn't Real Love, What Is? The Fallibility of Infatuation

"Love -- a wildly misunderstood although highly desirable malfunction of the heart which weakens the brain, causes eyes to sparkle, cheeks to glow, blood pressure to rise and the lips to pucker." -- Author Unknown

Ahh... love. Is there anything else that feels quite so sublime?

Your heart's pounding, you're flush with excitement and giddy with anticipation. You jump every time your smartphone pings you with a text, hoping it's from them. You can't focus on your work. You've lost your appetite for food because you're reminiscing about how delicious it feels to be in their arms.

Nobody "gets" you the way your sweetheart does. The connection you feel with them is out of this world. It's as if you've known each other your entire life. You can barely stand to be apart.

You have no qualms announcing your good news to your friends and family -- you've finally found "the one"!

Along with the dizzying heights, there are the terrifying lows, too. They forget to call and you're anxious. They are in a bad mood and you obsess over whether it's your fault. They express their doubts about the relationship and you're in agony for days.

In spite of the occasional pain and uncertainty, the sheer magnitude of emotion just proves how much you love each other -- or so you believe.

If this isn't real love, what is? Right?

Actually, not so fast.

Not All Love is Created Equal

As a relationship therapist, whenever I hear my clients describe their relationship as an all-consuming, exhilarating, obsessive tidal wave of emotion, I know that what they're describing isn't real love, but an immature, attachment-based infatuation.

What's the difference?

Infatuation feels passionate and addictive but is ultimately insecure. When acceptance and admiration flow in our direction, we feel safe, happy and completely alive. However, when infatuated, it only takes a temporary shift in the flow of good feelings for all of our unresolved childhood issues to rear their ugly head. Our partner lashes out and suddenly we are 5-years-old all over again, feeling abandoned, scared and unloved after a scolding.

Real love is very different from infatuation, because real love grows out of the healing of our childhood wounds through the ups and downs of a relationship.

Here are some other ways to tell whether what you're feeling is real love or just infatuation:

Infatuation is All About You, You, You

Are you focusing solely on how your partner makes you feel, both good and bad? How empty life feels when you are apart from each other? How you want your partner to change so that you can maintain the high? How you've never felt like this before and the relationship is everything you've ever wanted? Do you feel more whole now because this person is in your life? Chances are, when you're obsessing on what you're feeling, needing and wanting from the relationship, you're experiencing an immature, attachment-focused infatuation, not real love.

Infatuation Has Expectations

With infatuation, you create unrealistic expectations and beliefs about your partner in order to maintain that incredible high. You expect that because you love each other, the relationship should always feel good and that your needs should naturally be fulfilled. You can't stand the thought that relationships do take work, don't always feel perfect or that your partner won't change in order to please you. When things go awry, you shut down, cling or pull away, and fear that the relationship is over.

REAL Love is All About WE.

During bad times, you see yourself as being on the same team. Your relationship is a safe haven because you know that no matter what, you are there for your partner and they are there for you, even if you don't agree. Real love is not just about what you want or need, but rather what's best for the relationship.

REAL Love Begins From Within

Real love begins with feeling lovable, and it doesn't depend on a partner doing something right or validating you. There's nothing missing or no aching needs that you're looking to have filled by that significant other. Real love complements each partner's strengths, accepts the weaknesses, and remains strong, reliable and steady in the face of challenges.

REAL Love is a Verb

Real love is not about being in a perpetual state of bliss, but about showing up for each other during good times and bad. It's loving your partner, not pulling away. It's about taking responsibility for your actions.

REAL Love is About Being Friends as Well as Lovers

Real love is based on shared values, acceptance and respect. It's about wanting the best for the other -- even when your needs conflict. Real love is about growing closer and growing up.

The Persistence of Real Love

Unlike infatuation, with real love you both feel like you are in for the long haul. You see the relationship and each other as a source of support, acceptance and comfort in your life and are willing to do the work to keep the relationship strong and thriving. You understand that love is a result of consistent actions that build trust, not just a feeling to cling to.

When you see your partner through the eyes of real love, you'll know that while your partner may not always make you happy, you love them nonetheless. That's when you know you've arrived.

Sheri Meyers, Psy.D is a licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Los Angeles, CA, and author of Chatting or Cheating: How to Detect Infidelity, Rebuild Love, and Affair-Proof Your Relationship. To get a free chapter of Chatting or Cheating, please go to: chattingorcheating.com

Connect with Dr. Sheri online:

Twitter: twitter.com/DrSheriMeyers

Facebook :facebook.com/Dr.SheriAnnMeyers

Websites: chattingorcheating.com
drsheri.com

 

This Blogger's Books from

Chatting or Cheating
by Sheri Meyers

 

 

Follow Sheri Meyers on Twitter: www.twitter.com/DrSheriMeyers

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Celebrity relationships: Why we’ve gone bust

By Viv Groksop UPDATED: 18:48 EST, 13 June 2009

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It isn't just jobs that have suffered in this recession: certain high-profile partnerships suddenly seem out of step with the new era of austerity. No wonder they've gone into liquidation...

Something strange is happening on Planet Celebrity. Despite their seemingly charmed existence, the rich and famous have to live with the global financial crisis just like the rest of us. All of a sudden the recession is hitting them – hard. And guess what? We're looking at the first round of redundancies.

It's a bit like banking. The first to go are the ones who didn't keep their heads beneath the parapet, who trumpeted their fabulous successes without shoring up their defences. So in celeb-land the first casualties are those couples who built their brands around their relationship during the boom times.

Three high-profile pairs have recently announced that they're splitting: Katie Price and Peter Andre, footballer Frank Lampard and his girlfriend Elen Rives, and interiors guru Kelly Hoppen and celebrity hairdresser Nicky Clarke. These were all relationships forged during the glory days of champagne-swilling, pre-recessional excess. Come the crunch, their stock has gone bust.

Frank Lampard and Elen Rives have called time on each other

Frank Lampard and his partner of seven years Elen Rives have said that their relationship came under pressure after his mother died suddenly from pneumonia last year.

They have agreed to an amicable split and will live close to each other so that he can see their two children.

Although they never married, Elen has been told she can expect about £10million of his £25million fortune – provided she signs a confidentiality agreement.

Even more ridiculous sums of money are likely to be involved in Katie and Peter's split, the reasons for which are still hazy.

She claims he is the love of her life (although she also says it is important to 'move on', as she made clear by immediately le aving for the Maldives after the announcement of the break-up).

He claims that he can no longer cope with her binge-drinking and partying – and accused her of cheating on him.

Kelly and Nicky announced they were parting in April after a relationship of two years.

With their lookalike afghan tresses, and commensurate fortunes, they were dubbed one of the most stellar matches of the London social scene when they first got together. Their his-and-hers combo of big smiles and bigger hair was a celebration of glamour and glitz, and fêted on the pages of Hello!. While the Moët was still flowing, it worked. Now those days are gone.

Is it a coincidence that these three couples should split up around the same time? Almost certainly. But it's still a rather interesting one.

At a time when people are starting to lose their patience with celebrities and are devoting their time to worrying about rather more important things, it seems tell ing that these three splits represent the demise of three types of modern celebrity that suddenly look outdated and, frankly, rather odd.

Katie and Peter, for example, represent the ultimate triumph of the 'famous for being famous' phenomenon.

Perhaps no celebrity couple will ever achieve this again on the level that they have enjoyed. (Indeed, in years to come, surely we will look back on their wedding pictures and ask ourselves, 'What was all that about?') Their relationship has been captured on camera since the moment they met – when both their careers were on the wane – deep in the celebrity jungle in 2004.

Both have since reinvented themselves and have built their new brand – and their relationship – around the idea of being brash, loud and completely open about every aspect of their lives. This was totally in tune with the good times. But in a downturn? You suddenly see the tasteless exhibitionism for exactly what i t is.

Kelly Hoppen and Nicky Clarke are busy untangling their relationship

Meanwhile Kelly and Nicky's brand as a couple also thrived during the party era. Both represented conspicuous consumption. He was the king of the £450 A-list haircut, she was the queen of the £300,000 home makeover.

And as for Elen and Frank, they were key figures during the Wag era, which was all about being seen to be more glamorous, wealthy and glossy than the next person. Not a good look for 2009.

So not only have these celebrities' relationships literally become redundant for them, but our interest in them is also plummeting. Their currency has nose-dived.

After the Katie-and-Peter saga and the hundreds of hours of airtime devoted to the highs and lows of a relationship that constantly seemed to totter on the verge of collapse anyway, it's hard to believe in any self-publicising celebrity partnership any more.

There's also a sense of fatigue and a creeping realisation that maybe there is something just a tiny bit crass in wallowing in all this excess.

Isn't there a danger that everyone is getting bored with this glitzy silliness now that it feels so out of step with the times? As Marina Hyde writes in her book Celebrity: 'The celebrity situation is out of control and we need to start looking for an exit strategy. Entertainers have vastly exceeded their mandate.'

Our disenchantment with celebrity couples – along with bankers and estate agents who are having such a torrid time in this recession – has been brewing for a while. For most of the mid-noughties, we were obsessed with the glitz and gloss of all these nonsensical D-listers' lives.

U.S. gossip watcher Rebecca Traister described the dri p-drip of celebrity witterings as an international 'soap operatic narrative' with plot twists, cliffhangers and a constant loop of pointless but, crucially, 'new' information: 'They're adding an extra room to the house! She wasn't drinking on a recent vacation! He didn't thank her in his acceptance speech!

'But,' she adds, 'at some point, the fizziness of the whole experience began to go a little flat.' U.S. gossip queen Liz Smith last year proclaimed that 'we are being dished up loads of stuff about people we have never heard of and don't care about'.

About a year ago, Liz says, the mood started changing, once a more interesting soap opera started to air – the Obama Story. This was a
real-life story with meaning, not just glitz: 'People are only interested in politics,' she concludes. Too right. And this was even before the global financial crisis really took hold.

Katie and Peter's passion ran out and now they're lining up the lawyers

Now the couples who have only their image to sell are struggling to hold people's attention. Anyone who has been canny enough to develop their brand into something with a little more depth and meaning is protected: think of Wayne and Coleen, Victoria and David.

Their relationships are recession-proof: in both cases both partners have an identity outside the couple (the women have been especially careful to maintain this), they cultivate interests outside the marriage and outside what they're best known for professionally.

This is the sort of advice any careers coach would give to an executive in a recession: focus on your strengths but also diversify and be versatile.

Elen Rives is alr eady aware of this – and of the fact that it's perhaps too late for her. Telling one newspaper that she was not 29 as reported – she was 34 – she added: 'I'm not like Coleen, who is 23 with a great career, so I don't know how I can move on. It's so hard.'

But when redundancy threatens, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and look to the future. Richard and Judy, whose daytime TV show was recently axed, are already following this advice: they're working on separate projects for the first time in their careers (and have just signed up for Strictly Come Dancing).

And as the Brangelina brand struggles for survival and is rocked by break-up rumours every week, we can expect more adoptions, more hippie pronouncements (in step with the new era of austerity) and/or an announcement of a new career direction
for one of them at least.

In the meantime perhaps don't write off Katie and Peter yet. If anyone is likely to bou nce back from redundancy, it's them – as long as they keep it recessionally correct. I wonder what an austerity version of that particular brand might look like?

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Real Love Versus Infatuation

Transitions are always opportunities for growth and healing. Sometimes we need to heal ways of being in the world that are no longer serving us -- like some of my clients, who realize, through the wedding planning, that they're suffering from the "disease to please" and instead need to learn how to put themselves first. Sometimes transitions provide opportunities to expand our internal resources -- like the new mother who thinks she doesn't have enough patience to handle the needs of her newborn and yet, through time and the immensity of her love, her patience grows. And sometimes transitions require that we redefine an entire belief system that has governed our way of viewing the world and relationships -- like the majority of my clients who realize during their engagement that a large portion of their anxiety is caused by their unhealthy and false beliefs about the nature of love.

If you've grown up in Western culture, you've been inundated from the time you were born with images and beliefs about love. Most, if not all, of these images are predicated on the archaic paradigm of Romantic Love. Romantic Love is not real love. Romantic Love is, most simply put, infatuation. It's based on the model of longing for someone that you can never completely have, and it's this longing that then becomes mistaken for real love. Being in a state of longing is a dramatic and fully alive experience. It creates butterflies in your belly and light-headedness in your mind. If not understood properly, the one in the longing position can easily believe that she or he is "in love."

If the object of the longing, often called "the beloved," does reciprocate, "the lover" often runs the other way. And so begins an all-too-familiar game of chase with each participant alternating between the pursuer or distancer roles. The game is emotionally intense but ultimately unsatisfying. The bottom line is that real intimacy never occurs. It's dramatic, but safe. It's temporarily painful, but there's no long-term risk involved. And it certainly isn't a healthy model on which to base a marriage!

Real love, on the other hand, requires that both people show up for each other in the same place at the same time. There is no game-playing, which creates more consistent stability in terms of the intensity of emotion; gone are the ecstatic highs and despairing lows that defined the unhealthy relationships of the past. As such, real love requires that both people risk their hearts to form a bond of true intimacy.

One of my clients recently asked me to define real love. I rattled off a list and later thought it might benefit others to write about it here. So here is my list of the beliefs, attributes, and precepts that define real love (with the caveat that I'm not sure that anyone understands love in its totality!):

1. Real love is a conscious choice that often employs the rational part of our brains. Some couples have a "free ride" in the early stages of their relationship where they experience the intense feelings characterized by romantic love, but not everyone. And these feelings certainly aren't necessary for real love to emerge as the relationship grows, as evidenced by the success rate of arranged marriages in other parts of the world. It's when the infatuation feelings diminish that the couple has to learn that love is a choice, not a feeling, as M. Scott Peck says in "The Road Less Traveled."
2. Real love accepts that your partner is a fallible, imperfect human, just as you are. Unlike romantic love, which ascends the object of desire to the realm of a god, part of the jolt down to earth that many of clients experience during their engagement is the realization that their partner is not perfect -- that he isn't as smart or witty or fun or good-looking as she thought the person she would marry would be. The romantic bubble of marrying Prince Charming is burst. Most of my clients focus on one missing area -- sometimes to the point of obsession -- and it's often an attribute that never bothered her before they were engaged. As time passes, the real fears are addressed, and love is redefined, the obsession mellows and she learns to accept and fully love her partner exactly as he is.
3. Real love ebbs and flows in terms of interest, ease, and feelings. In other words, in any healthy relationship there will be times when things effortlessly work, where the spark is alive and the couple is interested in one another and life. And there will be times of, for lack of a better word, boredom. Part of accepting real love is understanding that the boredom is normal and not a symptom that something is wrong with the relationship or that you don't love your partner enough.
4. Real love is based on shared values and a solid friendship. You genuinely like each other (even though you might not like everything about your partner).
5. Real love is action. Real love asks that you give even when you don't feel like giving (in a healthy way, not a codependent way). Real love is more concerned with how you can give to your partner than what you can get from him or her.
6. Real love is a spiritual practice in that your focus is not how you can change your partner to alleviate your anger, pain, or annoyance but how you can assume full responsibility for those feelings and find healthy and constructive ways to attend to them. When you change in positive ways, the relationship will positively change as well.
7. Real love is a lifelong practice. You're not expected to know how to give and receive real love at the onset of marriage but are expected to work at it so that over the course of your life together your capacity to love grows.

So the next time you watch a romantic comedy and find yourself doubting if you love your wonderful, supportive, honest, loving partner enough, read over this list and see if your anxiety finds containment as you redefine what love really is.

 

This Blogger's Books from

The Conscious Bride: Women Unveil Their True Feelings about Getting Hitched (Women Talk About)
by Sheryl Paul

Conscious Bride's Wedding Planner
by Sheryl Paul

 

 

Follow Sheryl Paul on Twitter: www.twitter.com/consciousbride

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27 Christine Bleakley reveals latest wedding plans with Frank Lampard
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39 Katie Holmes and Jamie Foxx 'have been dating for a while'
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101 Tips To Improve Your Relationship Right Now

Posted by Julie Gerstein, on November 18, 2013 at 9:15 am

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Relationships are hard. Really, really hard. Finding somebody you want to spend time with can be difficult enough, but once that happens, you've got to deal with the difficult task of maintenance: keeping things fresh, finding time for each other, and generally just coming up ways to navigate the tricky ups and downs every partnership faces. It's enough to occasionally drive anyone—even those in the most secure relationships—crazy.
Lucky for you, we've come up with 101 relationship tips—some big, some small—that'll help you improve any partnership. Plus, we asked a few of our favorite relationship experts for their tips, including life and dating coach and Huffington Post blogger Kira Sabin, relationships author Samara O'Shea (whose forthcoming book Loves Me … Not is worth a read), and the sex and relationships editor at The Frisky Ami Angelowicz.
From how to deal with jealousy to how to get over a potentially deadly lull, we've got 101 relationship tips that you can start implementing right now, so start reading!
1. Listen.It might sound obvious, but when you really allow yourself to listen—and ask questions about—what your partner says, it not only leads to better conversations, but also better communication.
2. Take a few days apart.
Missing each other is a great way to reconnect. Try grabbing some girlfriends for an overnight or a weekend getaway every few months.
3. Find a support team.
Have a handful of great friends or family members you can call so your significant other doesn't have to hear every small grievance going on your life.

MORE: Posting Too Many Selfies Can Hurt Your Real-World Relationships: Study

4. Put away your phones.
One of the biggest relationship tips is to give your undivided attention when your partner is speaking. It's is one of the most important things you can do.
5. Volunteer together.Giving back is a great way to keep perspective of how great your relationship is, and how lucky you both are.
6. Create a checklist.
Jot down new and fun things you want to accomplish for a day as a duo.
7. Talk to couples over 65 years old. 
Get relationship tips from them, and see what you can take away to apply to your relationship.
8. Take a class.
It's proven that couples who learn together connect deeper. Find some common ground (cooking? art? science?) and go from there.
9. Revisit the questions you asked in the beginning.What are you hoping to accomplish in the next year? What are you scared of? These answers change, so we need to keep asking these questions.
10. Find 10 things you really love about them and tell them. 
Guys need confidence boosters, too!

MORE: Here's the One Time You Shouldn't Text Your Boyfriend

11. Stop nagging. 
Seriously, stop. Take a step back and figure out the big things about your partner that truly bother you, and approach them from a place of concern and support instead of nitpicking for sport. That'll get you nowhere.
12. Get over needing to be right.  
Learning to say "I was wrong" is a skill worth learning.
13. Take care of yourself. 
No relationship can be successful if you don't feel good about yourself, both inside and out.
14. Know what you need and then ask for it.
You're dating a human, not a magical psychic.
15. Stop and appreciate all that your relationship is this very second.Stop living for what it can be.  This person is choosing to be in your life every day, not every day in the future.
16. Stop complicating things that aren't complicated enough.
Don't pull a Carrie Bradshaw during the Aiden years: If you bemoan the fact that your relationship is going too well, you might need to revisit why you're constantly seeking out drama.
17. Assume that if something was said that hurt your feelings, it wasn't intended that way.
Why would they want to upset you or hurt you? Give your partner the benefit of the doubt, but if it's really bothering you, don't be afraid to bring it up.

Photo: Getty

18. Write notes.Whether you have study hall together or live together, handwritten notes are personal touches in today's highly digital world.  

19. Pitch in.Help each other with chores and other necessary, if banal, activities — cooking, cleaning, re-organizing, etc. Not doing them if you live together can create tension, and always doing them can create unfair expectations. Act as team of equals.
20. Disconnect.
Step away from the laptop during quality time. Everything on the Internet will still be there later.

MORE: Caught in the Act! Most Shocking Celebrity Cheaters

21. Allow things to be what they are.
Sometimes bad days and bad moods happen. Don't go crazy trying to make everything better. Just be supportive and loving, because just being there at the end of a bad day can make it better for both of you.
22. Create mini-traditions.
Creating small rituals can really help hold up a couple because they become "your thing." Whether it's a fancy night out during the holiday season, or watching a certain show every week, these are things that'll give you both something to look forward to, and it'll bring you closer together.
23. Be an open book.
They can either deal with it or they can't, but if you can't be your most honest self with this person, it'll come out eventually.
24. Compliment, and often.
You're there to make each other feel like your best selves, so let the genuine praise flow freely. Like his outfit? Tell him! Like her hair today? Let her know!
25. Make promises that you really can keep.
Say things that you want to follow through with out loud. It'll make you work harder to make them happen. Having—and setting—levels of reasonable expectations for your relationship is a healthy way to keep it strong.
26. Acknowledge positive actions.
When you and your partner see positive actions, solutions, or behavior in one another, acknowledge it and remind each other to keep it up.
27. Establish genuine connections with the other's friends and family.
Hang out together with both of your friends and family. This is the stuff that makes the world go 'round, people!
28. Pay attention to the tiny things that bother your partner, and if it's painless for you, work to change them.
We're not talking changing your laugh or your style, but if you know that your partner really hates it when you leave the kitchen counter cluttered, try to make a point of clearing it off before he gets home. It's an easy enough thing to do and it makes their day better, so why not?

MORE: 4 Huge Mistakes to Avoid When Dating a Coworker

29. Never, never forget to ask about the other person's day.
It's such an easy slight to avoid!
30. Only one person gets to have the bad day.
If your partner's day sucked and yours was just "eh," let them have the pity (and the control of the remote, and the choice of take-out). If it's you, announce it early and let them know you need the support. If it's a toss-up, trade stories about why your days were so awful and you'll end up laughing while trying to figure out who wins.
31. Small gifts go a long way.Bringing home a pack of their favorite candy/magazine/book by a favorite author never gets old.
32. Graham Parsons has a song lyric that says "I just want to hold you, I don't want to hold you down."Let that be your motto when you're giving your partner advice.
33. Log onto Instagram and like all their photos.Just because.
34. Plan a date where you revisit the spot you went on your first date.Remember all the amazing things that brought you from then to now.

Photo: Getty

35. Go on a walk together somewhere beautiful.And don't forget to turn off your cell phones.
36. Surprise them with dinner.One unexpected night, surprise your partner with a home-cooked meal, and a nicely-set table.
37. Review your top five favorite funny things your partner has done.Because your partner is funny! That's part of why you like them.
38. Go to a yoga class together.Or other exercise class together. Your body and relationship will thank you!
39. Go on a road trip, even if you're not going anywhere far.
It's nice to get out of town sometimes.

MORE: How Do You Know If a Guy Likes You? Here's One Interesting Way

40. Pick up a six-pack of toilet paper or (even better) a six-pack of beer.
Without even being asked.
41. Keep the surprises coming.
Think of your relationship as a creative challenge. To keep the romance fresh, come up with new date ideas, new sex positions, and new ways to demonstrate your love.
42. Plan small outings.
Whether its brunch this weekend, or a trip to a new neighborhood.
43. Make out.Kissing is something that is often set to the side the longer a couple has been together. Out of blue one day, initiate a high-school style make-out session.
44. Let it go.Don't hold onto that thing your lover said or did six months ago and bring it up each time you get mad at him. Do both of you a favor and let it go
45. Don't interrupt.
Even if what you think your significant other is saying is uninteresting, don't bulldoze over his or her words. Being able to listen to each other—even when the details are mundane—is important.
46. Say thanks.
Let him know that you notice the little things he does by saying thank you for routine tasks like walking the dog or picking up groceries.

Photo: Getty

47. Cook a meal together.Come up with a menu, shop, and prepare the food together.

48. Have fun with hypotheticals.Conversation can become routine. Break from the ordinary and have a silly dinner conversation made entirely of imaginary situations—for example, "If you were on an island and could only bring five movies, which movies would you bring?
49. Keep a couple's journal.
Write down your desires and fantasies and leave them out for your significant other to find—encourage him to write back.
50. Agree to disagree.
This is one of the most important relationship tips, as you both have strong opinions and therefore some issues will never be resolved. Respect each other's point of view and agree not to argue about the same issue, unless it's something that could get in the way of your future, like politics, religion, or values.
51. Set goals.
In addition to setting life goals, set relationship goals. For example: We aim to spend more time together outside rather than in front of the TV.
52. Take responsibility for your own happiness
Love is grand, but at the end of the day the only person we can hold accountable for our happiness is ourselves. Do volunteer work, exercise, host dinner parties—find what satisfies you, and go from there.

MORE: No Boyfriend? Here Are 7 Surprising Perks of Being Single

53. Learn each other's conflict habits.Make an effort to understand you and your partner's conflict habits so you can break bad patterns and find a middle ground that's productive and respectful.
54. Define love.
While "I love you," is an extraordinary thing to say—and an equally wonderful thing to hear—it means something different to each person. Tell each other what you're saying when you declare these magic words. It could be a list of many sentiments such as, "I would do anything for you," and "I trust you completely."
55. Take turns planning date nights that are actual, real, capital-D Dates
Takeout and TV doesn't count.
56. Approach your partner's issues in the context of how they affect the relationship.
It'll reduce the chances they feel personally attacked for no reason.
57. Cuddle.
Make ample time for cuddling. Whether or not it leads to sex, physical affection is important.
58. Don't forget to say "I Like You."
The greatest compliment you can give a partner (especially a long-term partner) is reminding them that not only do you love them, but also like them.

Photo: Getty

59. Have a spontaneous midday tryst. 
Send him a text as he's about to go on his lunch break, take time out on a Saturday, however you want to play it.
60. Travel together.Seeing the world together creates amazing shared memories.
61. Tell them EXACTLY why you love and appreciate them as often as possible.
"I love you" is good. "I love the way you make sure no one ever feels left out" is even better.
62. Stay out of their family drama.
It's so not worth it.
63. Really look at each other. 
We spend a lot of time with our partners but sometimes we don't actually see them. Take the time to actually look into one another's eyes.
64. Give each other a pet name. 
It may be super annoying to other people (and you may want to reserve it for when you're in private), but a pet name can add an extra layer of intimacy to your relationship.

MORE: When To Say You're Sorry: How To Make Up After A Fight

65. Spend time alone.As important as it is to spend quality time with your partner, it's equally necessary that you develop a good sense of who you are without them. Kahlil Gibran said "let there be spaces in your togetherness," and we stand by that.
66. Eat at the dinner table. 
Do you eat in front of the TV? Try actually sitting down to a meal with your partner at an actual table. You may find it a welcome change.
67. In fact, turn the TV off all together. 
Why not try instituting a TV-free night in your apartment? See what else happens when you spend time together sans the talking box.
68. Ask for clarity. 
If you're confused about what your partner means, ask for clarity instead of making assumptions about what they mean. Use an open phrase like, "What did you mean when you said, 'xyz'" rather than instantly going on the offensive.
69. Own your feelings. 
Passive-aggressiveness is a total relationship killer. Quash it by practicing assertiveness and clarity. Saying "I'm fine" when you're not fine is a prime example of not owning your feelings.
70. Communicate in a constructive way.
For instance, we think the phrase construction "When ____ happens, it makes me feel ____" can be particularly helpful.
71. Take an interest in what your partner's into.
He's into chess, or cheese, or cheese that looks like a chess board (maybe?). You don't have to love it, but give it a shot. You may surprise yourself!
72. But also cultivate your own. 
You and your partner don't need to have everything in common. Seriously. That's actually really annoying.

Photo: Getty

73. Let your partner teach you something they're good at, and vice versa.Everyone—everyone—loves the feeling of being able to teach somebody they like about something they're good at.

74. Bring your groups together.It's easy to silo your social lives and create separate his-and-hers worlds, but bringing your friends, siblings, or colleagues together can be a fun thing.

75. Don't forget about sex.Work, stress, and other responsibilities can get in the way of your sex life, and before you know it, you've gone a month without getting busy. Don't let this happen. Schedule it in if you have to, just make sure to connect in an intimate way.

76. But do forget about jealousy.Jealousy can be completely toxic to relationships, so keep yours in check. If you're always jealous, figure out if it's your personal issue, or if your partner is doing things to appear less trustworthy.

77. Cultivate your appreciation.
Spread what you love about your partner. Practice your appreciation by sharing it with others— not in a gross, gratuitous, braggy way, but don't miss out on the opportunity to tell others why your partner is awesome. In turn, it'll remind you why you like them, too.

78. Laugh. In bed. 
Sex should be sexy, sure. But it should also be fun. Don't be afraid to have a laugh if things take a turn for the ridiculous.

79. Let yourself be taken care of when you need it.

We all need special care on occasion. Let your partner help you when you're feeling sick or down. It doesn't mean you're not strong, it just means you're willing to accept help.

80. Check your competitive edge.You and your partner are there to support each other, not compete with one another. If you find yourself comparing yourself or competing with your significant other, check your behavior. That's not healthy!
81. Have a bed day.Allow yourselves a totally lazy day where you lie around and do nothing of note except enjoy each other's company.

81. Be kind to yourself.
The best way to develop positive patterns in a relationship is to develop them first with yourself. Don't be so critical of yourself, and you'll set a good example for your relationship.
82. Express gratitude for the little things, and for specific things. 
Big gestures are great, but it's great to recognize the little things your partner does that make you feel happy and loved, too.

MORE: Who Knew They Dated?! 15 Surprising Former Celebrity Couples

83. Date like you dated in high school.Ask each other out. Get excited. Take forever to get ready. Make out. Repeat.
84. Be present. 
We can ruin a perfectly great relationship by focusing too much on the past, or worrying too much about what may happen in the future. Learn to enjoy where you are, and who you're with right now.
85. Don't try to control.A relationship isn't a battle of wills, it's two people who are choosing to be together, so don't treat your partner like they're some kind of wild animal you're trying to tame.
86. Embrace your common goals.
What is it that you both want to accomplish? Can you support each other to reach those goals? That'll be a big piece of what will hold you two to together as a couple in the long run.
87. Have a cultural experience together.See a movie, a play, or an art exhibition together — and then talk about them afterward. You may be pleasantly surprised by how differently—or similarly—you viewed things.

Photo: Getty

88. Go on a long bike ride.Bike rides are deeply freeing experiences, and it's nice to be able to do that with someone you love.
89. Try talking on the phone.Yes, we know this sounds crazy, but phone calls are a different sort of communication than texting, or even in person communicating will allow. You may actually deepen your connection through a phone chat.
90. Make a mix for each other. 
It's cute, romantic and something out of a rom-com. Although in this day and age, you might want to make a Spotify playlist rather than a mixed CD.
91. Keep yourself in check.
We spend so much time paying attention to how our partners behave, but take a second to notice how you're acting — especially if you're fired up or in a bad mood. And then give yourself a second to…
92. … Breathe. 
Before you say something you don't mean, take a breath and ask yourself if that's really the way you want to move forward. Chances are, taking a second out will help you recalibrate and think of a more constructive way of handling the situation.
93. Help each other.This one is so easy, but if your partner's having a hard time with something — whether it's doing their taxes or organizing their closet — offer a helping hand.

MORE: What To Wear On A First Date and Why it Matters

94. Be their biggest cheerleaderIf your partner's accomplished something amazing, let them know it, and let them shine.
95. In your craziest moments of frustration or anger, remember what it is that you like about them the most. 
There's a reason you're with them after all, right?
96. Remember that a relationship should always make your life better on the whole, not worse.And aim to make sure yours is doing just that. If it's not, it may be time to reconsider.
97. Enjoy the quiet moments you spend with each other. 
Not everything has to be a big adventure or a big deal Sometimes the best times are the quiet unplanned things you do together.
98. Make sure you're taking care of yourself.Don't let yourself get so invested in your partner that you forget to take care of yourself.
99. Let go of the past.We often let our past hurts dictate our present. Learn to let go of past resentments and fears in order to live more fully with your partner right now.

100. Touch each other often.Simple touch builds intimacy — espeically non-sexual touch. It's a non-verbal way of saying, "yes, I'm here for you, and I care about you" and it helps reinforce your emotional bond.
101. The best relationships are ones in which both partners feel like the luckiest person in the world. 
Find ways to communicate that and foster that feeling in each other, and you'll be good.

Got a great relationship tip? Please share it with us in the comments!

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