Monday
I'm late home, but – thankfully – my husband has everything in hand. Dinner's in the oven and our son is at the table, dutifully finishing off his homework.
I live a Stepford existence: perfect partner, perfect kid, perfect life. This feature commission fell into my inbox, and I thought it might be easiest money I've ever made.
Playing Love Plus – a Japanese dating game that generated headlines around the world when a player actually, honestly, married his virtual girlfriend – should be a piece of (wedding) cake.
I've been trying to virtually woo one of three high school students. I met my husband doing my A-levels – so, in theory, this shouldn't be that hard, right? I should know how this works.
In theory.
Tuesday
Virtual Guy (VG) – the man whose life I am now controlling – spends an impossible amount of time scheduling stuff. By the time my husband's dragged himself out of bed and stumbled into work, VG has already worked out and visited the library.
So far, so impressive.
2.20pm
Today, talking to the moody girl working with him at the library, VG asks if she could be 'any livelier'.
He suddenly seems less impressive.
Someone needs to tell him that this not the way to get close to a girl. While my husband has, admittedly, said his fair share of clangers, he's never said that.
Wednesday
12.15am
Still awake and thinking of exchanging my real-life partner for the virtual one. The latter barely sleeps, and the former definitely snores.
6.30pm
It gets worse.
I don't cook. Scratch that – I HATE cooking. I might whip up some cupcakes with the sprog occasionally, but when it comes to sustenance our household relies firmly on my husband.
VG on the other hand? Walking home with a girl, he guesses that her hobby must be cooking because 'all girls like cooking'.
I beg to differ, and I bet my son – who described my last offering of sausage and mash as 'a little bit too crunchy to eat, Mum' – does too.
Thursday
Should you bump into one of your lady friends in Love Plus, one of the greeting options available to you is to 'chop attack' her.
Have since been trying to recall if there's ever been a time when I thought about chop-attacking a boyfriend when we were first going out.
Answer is: yes. Many times.
Friday
The game employs four character traits – Fitness, Intelligence, Sense and Charm. I don't quite understand Sense, nor what I need to do or not do in order to manipulate these scores.
But I recall early days of relationships, and how hard I tried to be peppy and clever and entertaining and fit and, well, not me in order to make myself appear seem more appealing.
It's the same in Love Plus. Poor Virtual Guy. He's trying so hard to be charming and intelligent and fit and studious, but it's so much hard work. Improve one aspect of his life and another decreases in a self-pitying cycle of pointlessness.
Behold this metaphor for life.
The fact I don't have to be someone I'm not is singularly the best part of a long-term relationship. Yeah, it's nice having a partner to share stuff with, someone who laughs at the same jokes and enjoys the same films – but not having to shave your legs every day?
That's where the magic is.
Saturday
Virtual Guy thinks that the moody girl's love of Calbee's potato chips is 'beyond normal'.
I've since spent the entire day worrying what my husband really thinks of my Pringles obsession.
9pm
Found out that one of the girls, Rinko, got into a fight with a guy over an arcade game. Apparently, he didn't like it that a 'girl' beat him.
Good to know that men in both virtual and real worlds act just as stupidly as each other.
Sunday
VG took Takane out for a date. They went ice-skating, chaperoned by some kid she tutors, presumably to ensure that he acts like a complete gentleman.
Which was just as well, because he behaved like a complete pig. She made it clear that he couldn't hold her hand or touch her arm within three seconds of arriving, and he chastised her for being 'always so serious with everything'.
She says some awkward stuff about understanding that it was 'tiring' being with her. Whereas I want to punch him in the face on behalf of every female that's ever been made to feel like getting to know someone is a chore for potential boyfriends.
6pm
You'd have thought VG would've blown it after the skating, but apparently not – two days later, he and Takane are 'lovers'.
I'm told that if she's in a good mood VG can try touching her, then I am walked through a tutorial on how to do precisely that.
You can insert your own joke about my husband needing a similar tutorial right here.
Monday
As VG 'treats' himself to gold label mackerel, my husband goes out in the rain to pick up a takeaway.
I know it's only been a week, but a week was enough for me – I'll take the real over the virtual any day.
Just don't tell my husband that.
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