Relationship advice: 'It's been four months seince we've had any intimacy' (Picture: neilwebb.net) I'm 22 and my fiancé is 31. We have been together for four years and have a two-year-old daughter.
It's been four months since we have had any kind of intimacy, which he blames on our child, tiredness and low testosterone.
His doctor gave him Viagra, which didn't seem to help. He has asked me to 'get sexy' but there is no point as he doesn't last very long now anyway. I'm also shy when it comes to dressing up.
I'm at my breaking point – how can I get our sex life back?
Imagine starting a new relationship. 'But take away all the excitement and put in its place exhaustion, distraction and stress,' says James McConnachie.
'Replace every glamorous date with a brutal babysitting job and swap soft sheets for foul-smelling nappies.'
Still feel sexy? Of course not. Sex dives right to the dark blue depths when people have children. 'Changing how quickly you swim to the surface again is almost impossible but you can change how you feel about each other when you finally bob up blinking in the sun, which you eventually will,' he says.
The crucial thing is not to emerge as strangers to each other – you have to learn to love each other in your new roles as parents.
You're not the first woman to find her husband going off sex after childbirth, says Rupert Smith.
'Some men are so hung up on the concept of motherhood that the idea of having sex with one is too much. But I don't believe your fiancé needs Viagra – he needs to accept he's a father, you're a mother and the relationship needs sex to keep it going.'
That your fiancé has tried medication and there is still little happening suggests that you could use a psychosexual specialist – your GP can refer you to a service.
However, there is plenty you can be doing, says Dr Cecilia d'Felice. 'Your self-esteem seems to be tied up with whether you partner wants to have sex with you and then you use the excuse of shyness – an ego manoeuvre that leaves you looking like a victim but actually is a passive-aggressive tactic – to deny him. Then you blame him for there being no passion.'
It's not your partner's fault that you feel this way about yourself – if we want change, we must take responsibility ourselves. And if this insecurity manifests in your sex life, it will also be manifesting elsewhere.
'Your partner may feel overwhelmed by having to carry your insecurities as well as a little child,' she adds.
Intimacy doesn't always have to be about sex – it's about making our loved ones feel special, so ask a friend to babysit but have no expectation the evening will lead to sex. The more he sees that you understand he is tired and overwhelmed, the more he will respond. But you cannot expect your man to change while you refuse to yourself.
Your advice
@MichaelRogerz Put fun in the bedroom. Wear sexy lingerie. Tickle nether regions. Moreover, relax
@PollyRocksHove Try taking the pressure off sex: get the in-laws to b/sit o/night & get away together for a few drinks. Focus on having fun & if this leads…
@PollyRocksHove …anywhere sexually, put foreplay first. Time alone will bring you closer and remind you why you fell in love.
@JaimeMagaluf Treat yourself to a spa trip or holiday to rejuvenate yourself & get back some confidence. Then tackle it/him with fresh eyes
The experts
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides, £12.99).
Psychologist Dr Cecilia d'Felice is a relationship consultant for Match.com.
Rupert Smith's latest novel, Grim, is now available exclusively on Amazon (£13.99).
Next week
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My wife and father-in-law are devout Christians and I have always adhered (begrudgingly) to their moral code but this has made me bored with my sex life.
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