I'D MET DAVID AT A PARTY. From the flurry of texts in the following days, the eager groping in the back of the bar on our first date, and the fact that I invited him to close out an evening at my place just a few days after that, it was clear we had something between us. A spark, lust . . . chemistry.
When I walked him out to his car the morning after our first full night together, we held hands and giggled like schoolkids—until, that is, I saw the cop.
"Is this your car, sir? It's listed on the stolen vehicle registry," the stern, uniformed woman said.
David shrugged, clearly guilty. Wait. . .my hot tryst had been with a felon? I didn't stick around to find out, and practically sprinted back to my apartment.
My humiliating lesson: Chemistry can come in many forms, which may or may not lead to love. "There are people toward whom we have an intense magnetism but whose approach to life is so different from ours that a relationship could nev er last," says Wendy Walsh, Ph.D., author of The 30-Day Love Detox. "Ideally, you need to find someone who gives you that surge but who also lines up in terms of various life goals."
While some dates are duds (if not outright bombs), many more reveal chemistry in all areas—including social, conversational, and sexual. This chemistry has the potential to erupt like Mentos dropped in Diet Coke. So we tapped our expert chemist—er, psychologists—to help us understand what types of volatile reactions you need and how to assess whether you have them. Read on and start applying a little scientific method to your love life.
INTELLECTUAL CHEMISTRY
A Meeting of Minds
What it is: You're challenged by your interactions with her, and you sense that you have to work a bit to keep up when she's talking about a topic she loves.
Why it's important: This sort of compatibility predicts relationship sustainability over the long haul. "Research shows that couples who have a lot of similarities, including intellectual compatibility, end up staying together," says Helen Fisher, Ph.D., a sex researcher at Rutgers University and chief scientific advisor for Chemistry.com. This type of chemistry is more than just compatible IQs; it's the feeling you each have of being continually impressed with how the other's mind works.
Spot it: You may not understand that robotics project she's working on, but you'll close the bar down listening to her talk about it. Meanwhile, she'll sacrifice a Saturday to watch a Scorsese marathon with you as you explain the nuances of his work. You might argue about politics, but the next morning, you e-mail links to each other to prove your respective points, says psychologist Lisa Firestone, Ph.D., coauthor of Conquer Your Critical Inner Voice. You'll also occasionally conc ede defeat, she says.
Cultivate it: Expressing your intellectual curiosity will put you both in sync, especially if at first meeting you two seem to have nothing in common. "People can become rigid in what they think their interests are," Firestone says. "But the more questions you ask, the more you might find common ground—and fascination—with who she is and what drives her. To build that intellectual chemistry, ask her to teach you a skill she loves, or give her a lesson in something you love." Keep it playful and low-key; the idea is to keep refreshing your respect for each other's accomplishments.
PHYSICAL CHEMISTRY
Lust in Space
What it is: Ever feel that "I want you" surge when you catch sight of a stranger across a crowded bar—or your hot girlfriend across the room at a cocktail party?
Why it's important: Physical attract ion releases a hormone flood that sparks the chemical reaction. It's the building block of physical arousal, says Fisher. And it's fueled by testosterone, which sparks your desire and helps you muster the courage to approach her.
Spot it: Your brain will make it obvious. "When you see a beautiful woman, your body produces a surge of oxytocin, vasopressin, and dopamine—all as a response to a potential sexual opportunity," says Larry Young, Ph.D., coauthor of The Chemistry Between Us. "That surge occurs, to a lesser degree, even with online interactions." When her image locks in your brain, that's the birth of physical chemistry.
Cultivate it: Find a reason to touch. Flirty skin-to-skin contact brings on a surge of hormones (including the "cuddle hormone," oxytocin), making you feel closer to the person you're touching. It's also a powerful way to prove that you're not a threat, says David Givens, Ph.D., director of the Center for Nonverbal Studies in Spokane, Washington, and the author of Love Signals. The best way to do that, Givens says, is to be playful. At a bar, for example, invite her to play a round of pool. "We're wired to be cautious of strangers, but breaking down the barriers can make her subconsciously want to be closer." In a relationship? Shower her with compliments, but keep them specific, says Scott Haltzman, M.D., author of The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity. "When I know my wife is going for a haircut, I set a reminder in my phone so I'll remember to comment about it later," he says. This type of planning can produce spontaneous physical connection: You're reminding yourself to notice her, and when she feels appreciated, she naturally turns her attention to you.
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