Photo by David Williams
I sat across from rapper Fat Tony in a small bedroom nestled in the back of a nearly empty house in Austin, Texas. The room was bare, except for a bunch of cardboard boxes overflowing with Huf T-shirts printed with images of pigs fucking in various Kama Sutra positions. I asked the Houston-born MC if he had any good relationship advice, because that's something rappers are great at. "No lie, like real shit, I was actually giving some earlier," he said to me. He started telling me about a friend who was "interested in this girl's friend, right? But he didn't know the friend's name, and he didn't know how to tell this girl, 'Hey I want you to bring your friend to this party tonight.'"
Tony knew what to do. He told his friend, "Man, I think you should just inquire if she's bringing anyone at all. Just say, 'Hey who are you going with?' So it doesn't seem like you're reaching to try to get to her friend." The strategy worked. "She was just like, 'Yeah I'm going with such-and-such.' And he was like, 'Perfect! I'll see you there.' Pow-pow."
So Fat Tony is a quick-witted rapper and a matchmaker: He's released two solo albums, won the Best Underground Hip-Hop award from the Houston Press for the past three years, and is currently studying for a degree in communications at the University of Houston—but building serious, loving relationships might be his most practical talent. At the very least, it's one thing he's got over Kanye.
Photo by Nash White
VICE: When's the right time to write a song for a girl?
Fat Tony: Shit. I would save that for somebody who you really feeling something for. I would at least wait for a few fights, so you really have something to write about. Otherwise, it would just come off as trying to be all fake-ass Romeo-singing-love songs-from-the-jump. And that would be lame. It's like, Do you really feel this way? You don't even know me yet. Maybe it's different if it's a real-ass song like, "Yo, I just like you, and I'm just getting to know you. I don't know if I love you yet, but maybe I could." That might be a good song. She'd be like, Damn, this fool is so honest.
Do you remember your first girlfriend?
Hell yeah, I was 14. I was a straight-up, hard-core nerd in middle school. I was into the internet, into IRC, light-weight into animé, super into video games. Just whatever nerd shit was going on. Movie trivia, the music nerd trivia shit. I knew every producer, every studio, all that shit. So I wasn't really tapping into girls the way I would later on in my life, but when I was 14 I met this Vietnamese girl and we hit it off because we were both super into nerding out on the internet. We spent a lot of our time either going to the movies, talking on the phone, or on AIM or some kind of weird chat thing.
But not in person?
We were only in person at the movies. I never went to her house; she never went to my house. The movie theater was our one time to hold hands and kiss each other on the cheek.
Any making out?
We were not making out. I was so innocent. I was a good boy. Weed was bad. Drinking was bad. I was really into music and being my idea of cool and smart, but I wasn't fucking around. Up until I first had sex, I hadn't done shit. I hadn't made out with anybody, never seen nobody naked, never done anything. I'm talking about period. I did it all in one shot. I was hyped on it, and then, when I did it, everything changed.
How'd it go down?
I was with this girl who was a little bit older than me. She was in college already, and I was 17. She just put it on me. We were dating, and we talked about how she had been experienced, and I was like, "I haven't really done it, but I'd like to. I read about it." She was like, "All right, are you ready? Today we're going to do it." I was like, "I'm ready; I'm going to fucking do it." My best friend back in high school gave me a condom and was like, "Yo, man, this is for you." I took a shower when I got home from school and was thinking I'm about to fuck; I'm about to do it. When I did, it felt so natural. There is so much hype and nervousness built up being a teenager before you're really intimate with somebody, but once I finally did it, it all went out the window. I had a whole new swag. I could rest at ease. I wasn't a virgin anymore; everything was going to be all right.
Were you anxious about your virginity?
Pretty much by the time a boy hits 12 he's just trying to do everything he can to not be a virgin. I was probably one of the last few of my close friends that was a virgin—or so they say. You never know who's telling the truth. I found out that a friend of mine who was always talking about how he had mad girls at different schools and was fucking and fingering girls is actually gay. He was like, "Yeah, I was lying about all that." You never really know, but as far as I knew back then, I was one of the last Mohicans in Virginity Land.
What's your ideal date?
For first dates, I want to do something a little bit different where the girl is surprising me. I've been on dates where girls want to go out of town or something on a whim, a little bit more than just dinner and a movie or the museum or whatever. I like the traditional stuff, but when that X-factor comes in, when that spice comes in, that's when I'm like, Whoa, this might be a cool girl right here. When I'm knee-deep in it, my ideal date is being in the comfort of our home and relaxing. That's when I'm most at peace. I like doing the niceties like going to a nice party or restaurant where we dress up, but I feel like when y'all are not wearing makeup, in your regular clothes, in a comfortable zone—that's when I really feel like, Yo, this is peace.
Let's say you've been seeing someone for a while. How do you keep the relationship hot?
It should be pretty spicy the whole first year. The first six months is like a continuous series of firsts. First date, first time you saw his parents, first time meeting somebody's friends... At that six-month point you're like, OK, I kind of know this motherfucker. By a year, it's like, I'm really getting into the groove of knowing who you are—the good, the bad, the ugly. But things to spice it up? I'm a big fan of traveling. So if I'm dating a girl for a while and I want to see if we can take it to that next level, I try to take us out of our comfort zone. Let's not go to a restaurant or the movies. Let's go to Alaska, let's go to California, let's go to Mexico, let's go to Montreal. Just add a new environment and see a whole new side of the person. Everything is so subjective and particular that I think you really need a whole seri es of experiences to get to know somebody, and that's what keeps it interesting: getting to know somebody. Being like, I don't know what's going to happen next—that's exciting.
Have you taken any chicks on trips?
Hell yeah. Me and my girl go on mad shit. Even when we first started dating we went to California, and we went to Austin a bunch of times.
Your girlfriend right now?
Yeah. We've been together mad long, like five years.
So you're basically married.
Basically, yeah.
Do you want to get married?
I do for the legal reasons and the benefits and the tradition of it, but I personally don't feel like I really need that type of validation for myself or us. That's something that we both want to do for the legal benefits because the sentiment is already there. It's just a nice way to celebrate it, but it's not going to define us. I wouldn't feel differently being with the same person for 20 years if we were married or not.
Any last essential Fat Tony advice?
Before you try to love somebody, you need to love yourself. Don't try to be in a situation with somebody until your own situation is straight.
Follow Lauren Schwartzberg on Twitter
0 comments:
Post a Comment