America's favorite inmate, Jodi Arias is a hot topic of discussion for almost every industry on this planet. The multiple angles and layers of this story have us all intrigued, for one reason or another. At the center of this tragic story lies a relationship fraught with complexities and intricacies that many of us will never understand, because we simply weren't in that relationship. But while difficult to understand, she certainly serves up a classic example of relationship advice in the way of what not to do. But that's not all.
Jodi Arias is also a classic example of the low self-esteem epidemic that is sweeping across North America. As a result of this epidemic, relationships are becoming more twisted, distorted, and destroyed. I discussed some of the causes of that in the 5 Fatal Dating Mistakes that Jodi Arias Made (that anyone can make), and also in the first part of this series, Is He Using You For Sex. Today we are going to look at some relationship advice that might help this low self-esteem epidemic….overthinking. Are you overthinking your relationship?
This often happens for a variety of reasons, and feeling like you are being used for sex is just one of them. But if that feels like you, know you are not alone.
In a study conducted by The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction, researchers found some startling results when it comes to emotional reactions to casual sex, or, sexual experiences that leave you with feelings that are anything but joyous. Researchers asked participants how they felt after casual sex, and 35% used words like "regretful" or "disappointed", 11% said "confused", 5% "uncomfortable" and a sad 2% reported they felt desired and wanted. Only 2%.
When it came to emotional reactions to those experiences, 27% said they were embarrassed, 25% reported emotional disturbances like anxiety and depression, 22% reported feeling less respect for themselves, 78% of the Canadian women and 72% of the Canadian men reported regret over the entire experience all together.
Wow. So no matter what society says about how awesome casual sex is, only 2% are actually reporting positive feelings as a result.
In my previous article I discussed how Jodi Arias was being used for sex, and either lacked the insight to own up to that fact, or lacked the insight to deal with that appropriately. The end result was tragic. Travis Alexander lost his life for that.
But it was not because he was using her for sex. The tragedy that resulted in this relationship was the direct result of Jodi Arias overthinking the fact that she was just being used for sex. And feeling like you are being used for sex is the number one cause for women overthinking their relationship.
As the study shows, it leaves many people confused about where they stand, and undesired. The natural human response to those experiences is to try to think about what went wrong, with overthinking being the natural result.
Have you ever wondered if you are making the same mistake?
Maybe you are really being used for sex. But what if you aren't? What if you are overthinking the entire thing? Avoiding that pitfall could be the best relationship advice your romance ever gets.
We do it all the time and we overthink our way into oblivion, and this is how we become our own worst enemies. Jodi Arias is only one example.
Peggy Nolan, Chief Executive Stepmom and contributor to the Huffington Post described her own personal experiences with overthinking.
"I was in a toxic relationship (even though I didn't know it at the time) that made my over-thinking monkey mind spin out of control. I was on my own crazy-go-round 24/7. When life as I knew it ended after my first marriage imploded, I gave up soda, coffee, and over-thinking. "
In an article on overthinking, Psychology Today illustrated how destructive overthinking really is by discussing the book "The How of Happiness" by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky. In her book "The How of Happiness", Dr. Lyubomirsky writes: "Numerous studies over the past two decades have shown that to the contrary, overthinking ushers in a host of adverse consequences: It sustains or worsens sadness, fosters negatively biased thinking, impairs a person's ability to solve problems, saps motivation, and interferes with concentration and initiative."
Overthinking will sap your life and lead you on a very quick downward spiral. But you can get out of it.
Here are the top 3 signs that you might be overthinking, that Jodi Arias totally missed. Could you be missing them too?
1. You're friends tell you that you overthink too much.
Your friends really are the best gurus when it comes to relationship advice. Kind of obvious, but overthinkers are too busy thinking about the next thing to have the insight to see that their friends really mean it when they say that. In an interview with HLN, a co-worker of Jodi Arias talked about how she tried to tell Jodi to stop overthinking her relationship over and over again. She talked about Jodi Arias and her feelings towards Travis, "The only thing missing here was the rabbit in the pot." Jodi's co-worker reportedly tried to get Jodi to leave Travis alone, but Jodi reportedly kept insisting, "We're going to be together forever, have a family together." If your friends have been telling you to let it go on more than one occasion, you really, really need to let it go.
And that doesn't mean, let the relationship go. Let the issue that you are hanging onto like a dog with a bone go. Do you have proof or evidence of the scenario that you just created in your head? Then don't give it energy, don't talk about it, and don't think about it until you do. If this sounds familiar, that's why your friends tell you that you overthink too much. Because you do.
2. You think everything has a "hidden meaning".
Your boyfriend posts a picture of a girl on his wall, that you don't know, so obviously that means he's in love with her and is probably even out ring shopping right now, right? Right. Before you break up with him though or start calling him names to your girlfriends, check out that other side of the pancake. That innocent picture really and truly could be anything.
Travis Alexander was going to Cuba with a friend who was not Jodi Arias, and Jodi had a fit. A fit so big that Travis died. The friend that Travis Alexander was taking to Cuba with him testified at his trial that they didn't even have a romantic relationship. They were just friends. But, Jodi heard about this situation and created something in her head that did not exist.
If this sounds too familiar, you don't need to tell me your awkward little secret. Let it go. The Toronto Love Doctor says, just stop doing that right now and you will be amazed at how much happier you will feel. Let the imaginary relationship devil out of your head and let it go, and nobody will ever know!
3. You are confused in your relationship.
Healthy relationships and relationships where the people don't know where they stand are two different things. You can't have both. But sometimes we know where we stand and we are still confused because we can't accept that. When people become confused in a relationship, and lack the confidence to communicate this out, they often overthink the relationship and create scenarios in their head that simply don't exist.
In a text presented at the Jodi Arias trial, Travis Alexander wrote to Jodi, "You are a sociopath. I want you to know how evil I think you are." Bit of a red flag when your boyfriend who isn't your boyfriend calls you an evil sociopath. Did she accept that and move on? No, she drove in the middle of the night to see the man who she thought was her boyfriend who wasn't her boyfriend, had sex with him, took pictures of it all, killed him and then took off to have sex with another guy.
These are just a few examples of the multiple ways that Jodi Arias overthought herself right out of her relationship, and into the slammer for the rest of her life. Your life won't necessarily head down that path if you are guilty of overthinking, but your relationship might. And even worse, so could your self-esteem.
You should never spend too much time thinking about where you stand with someone. If you don't know, then they either aren't treating you the way you deserve, or they have made it clear and you are still obsessing and thinking too much. Those things can not co-exist without disaster. Respect yourself to ask for that whole loaf, not for your relationship, but for your Self. When you do, you free yourselves from the chains of overthinking and the joy is intoxicating.
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