The phrase "mommy issues" doesn't acknowledge the pain involved. Heather Gray knows this and speaks directly to couples affected.
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When we hear of a young boy who has been neglected by his mother, our hearts go out to him. Our instincts are to nurture and protect him. We might hear that his mother has a problem with alcohol or drugs and we'll want to save him from witnessing such things. We might find out that this young boy sees men going in and out of his mother's life like a revolving door and we'll wish him stability. Perhaps his mother struggles emotionally. Maybe she's emotionally abusive and withholding of affection. We'll want to swoop in and give that boy all of the love, affection, and security his heart can hold. We might just learn that his mother is well-intentioned but limited in what she can provide her son.
| Suddenly he is being labeled as having "mommy issues" and popular magazine articles tell us he is someone to be avoided when picking a mate. |
We so clearly see what this boy needs and our instincts often are to rush in and fill those unmet needs. Then, this young boy grows up and becomes a man and sadly, our perception of him changes. Suddenly he is being labeled as having "mommy issues" and popular magazine articles tell us he is someone to be avoided when picking a mate.
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He starts dating and enters relationships. That initial period of dating is perfect for him. Getting to know someone. Connecting. That honeymoon period of falling in love fills him and he starts to feel complete. He's giving and receiving attention. He's receiving physical attention and receiving compliments. These things comfort him as they becomes messages that he is worthy and deserving of love. His needs are getting met.
| It makes sense that a boy who grows up with inconsistent attention or affection from his mother will believe that love isn't something that is constant. |
Then, regular every day starts to settle in and the lives of this man and new partner become busy. His new love might want to start reconnecting with friends or doing activities separate of the relationship.
This is, of course, to be expected but for this man, he feels the loss more significantly. He feels a ping of low-level anxiety that there's about to be a change in the relationship. He might become more hyper-vigilant as fears of abandonment get stirred. His partner may not have made a single change and may feel the very same way as he/she did in the beginning. His anxiety will confuse the partner. His attention to time apart may almost feel accusatory and if he begins to withhold his own affection in defense, it is easy for a rift to begin. It makes sense that a boy who grows up with inconsistent attention or affection from his mother will believe that love isn't something that is constant. He'll be sensitive to changes in the relationship. He may struggle with how he sees himself and need more external validation from his partner.
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Initially, dating this man can feel very fulfilling. It feels good meeting someone's needs. Helping someone feel worthy and deserving of love can almost be intoxicating for some.
| If you're a man who's been impacted by his relationship with his mother, you are not damaged. You're not broken… |
Over time, though, it can be exhausting, draining, and frustrating. Providing constant validation and reassurance can become burdensome and can build resentment. Conflicts can ensue with little provocation. There's no need to write these relationships off. After all, we all bring our own issues and histories to the relationships we enter and trivializing tough childhood experiences as having "mommy issues" doesn't solve the problem. If it weren't this set of problems, it would just be another. Partners just need to be aware of the issues and talk about them.
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If you're a man who's been impacted by his relationship with his mother, you are not damaged. You're not broken and you're more than capable of giving and receiving love in a healthy way. The best thing you can do is acknowledge your past. The temptation and cultural expectation is to leave the past behind you. However, acknowledging your struggle is the key to getting your needs met.
I know this is a strange and scary concept. You very likely survived your childhood by denying your needs and I am sure that speaking up or out came with its own set of emotional consequences. However, believing that love and relationships can be different in your adult life is essential to having a happier and healthier adult relationship.
| You're going to have to pay attention to who you pick for a partner. Sometimes, we tend to find partners who mimic our parents because those behaviors and tendencies feel familiar to us. |
Yes, time with your love will feel precious and it might seem like the enemy that keeps you from your partner. In moments of trepidation, tune in to the behavior of your partner. Listen to what you hear and pay attention to moments of connection. Your fear may tell you that distance is being created but if you shift your lens, you'll see that that feeling is just that you're missing your love and that is normal and natural.
You're going to have to pay attention to who you pick for a partner. Sometimes, we tend to find partners who mimic our parents because those behaviors and tendencies feel familiar to us. While you will need to check your own sensitivity to criticism, you are also going to have to make sure you haven't picked someone who is belittling, demeaning, or disrespectful. Telling the difference between the person and your insecurity might be challenging but it's important to do this work. You don't want to find out you are repeating your past in your adult life.
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Life has its ebbs and flows and adjusting to changes in plans and schedules isn't easy. It can feel threatening at times. Consistency will be important to you and this is something that you'll have to ask for and look for in a partner. You're going to have to share your worries and insecurities with your partner so they can be tended to. You'll also need to learn ways of calming yourself when small shifts in time and attention feel problematic. You might need your partner to give you reassurance and notice when schedules change. This is something you'll have to ask for. It's not fair to silently hold the expectation and then create conflict when the need isn't met.
| Your survival strategy in childhood will become your enemy in adult relationships. |
You'll have two major challenges. One is believing that you are worthy of receiving healthy, respectful love. Accepting this about yourself will allow you to stop testing and challenging it when it's in front of you. Those behaviors alienate you from your love and push the most important person to you further away, rather than pulling them close. You run the risk of creating a self-fulfilling prophecy when you do things like that.
Secondly, your survival strategy in childhood will become your enemy in adult relationships. You navigated your world when you were younger by monitoring your external environment and being aware of potential changes. This behavior in adult relationships will feel controlling and stifling for your partner and will create tension. Learning to talk about your worries and insecurities is crucial. It will set your mind at ease and build connection instead of creating disconnects.
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| If he's not participating in the process, you'll just be managing him and will find yourself in a permanent caretaking position. |
Partners, if you love this man, you already know how special he is. You know that he brings more to the table than his past and that while his past has hurt him, it has also helped him be aware of things that other men might not be. Yet, its impact on him can still feel overwhelming. It might, at times, feel like he is a bottomless well and no matter how much love and attention you give him, it will never be enough. You might feel controlled. It'll be important for you to understand the dynamics that are at play. You'll have to gain an understanding of why he is acting the way he is and learn about his history. It's crucial that this comes from him. If he's not participating in the process, you'll just be managing him and will find yourself in a permanent caretaking position. You'll need to see that he's doing his own work.
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It'll be important that you be aware and communicate your intent with him. You'll have to handle changes to schedule with sensitivity. It does not, however, mean that you must lose yourself in an attempt to meet his needs and soothe every insecurity. If you think you're being tested or challenged, say so. Sometimes partners work really hard to "pass tests" thinking that doing so is reassuring. In the end, you'll just end up feeling manipulated and playing the game will grow tiresome. Your guy will need to learn to ask for his needs to be met and if he can't, he may not be ready for a relationship with you. Verbal and physical validation will be important but so will boundary setting. Communicating what you are and are not willing to do is important. It's not your job to fill his empty spaces. You have to, of course, be aware that they are there but you exist in this relationship, too. If you get in the habit of ignoring your own needs out of sympathy, it just won't work.
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You both need to be mindful that love is sometimes scary for one or both of you and that love needs to be carefully kept with healthy communication, boundaries, and self-regulating. There are so many other relationship dynamics that can play out because of limited parenting by either partner's mother or father. While I try to avoid stereotypes and generalities whenever possible, gender of both the child and parent does play a role in how we respond to relational dynamics in our adult lives. Each dynamic has its own needs, tendencies, and patterns. Recognizing and accepting that our ability to relate as adults is sometimes informed by how we were parented will help us gain control over our relationships. We have the power to make the relationships what we need and want but only with communication, negotiation, and sensitivity to the stories we carry.
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