Sunday, August 31, 2014

FAITH AND VALUES: What real love means

In the Gospel of Mark, the story of Jesus' dramatic encounter with Bartimaeus in Jericho takes up only seven verses of Scripture; and yet within these seven verses, we see the crux of the Christian gospel in a swiftly drawn portrait of Christian love. As Jesus encounters Bartimaeus here, he portrays for us the ways in which we a Christians are called to love other people. He demonstrates Christian love, the kind of love needed in our homes, in our marriages, in our friendships, in our interpersonal relationships, with our coworkers, our neighbors, with acquaintances, and even with strangers.

The Bartimaeus story reminds us that Christian love means respecting and valuing other people personally.

You know, it works pretty well: "To love God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength" means to value God more than anything else in the world. To "love your neighbor as yourself" means to respect and value your neighbor's life as much as you respect and value your own.

Tonight when you tuck your children into bed, or today when you say "so long" to someone you love, or tomorrow in conversation with a prized coworker, or whenever you want to express something special to someone you care for, try it. Say, "I value you so much!" and see what kind of response you get.

Jesus valued Bartimaeus personally. He stopped for Bartimaeus. I love that! Jesus was on his way to the cross, but he stopped for Bartimaeus; and when he stopped that was his way of saying: "You count! You matter! You are worth something! You are valuable! You are important to me, and I care about you personally!" We see something very special here in Jesus and something very special about Christian love, namely, that it is intensely personal.

Christian love is all inclusive. Light a candle and it will give its light to all in the room. It is not selective. It shines for all. It includes all, embraces all, and that's the way love is. Love reaches out to do good to all people, even the unlovable.

Remember in the Scripture lesson how the crowd in their spiritual blindness tried to silence Bartimaeus? "Be quiet!" they said to him. "Don't bother the Master! He is a busy man. You are just a poor blind beggar! He doesn't have time for the likes of you! So hush up, now!" But, you see they were so wrong, so blind. Jesus teaches us here one of the most important aspects of Christian love. He stops to help Bartimaeus, a poor, blind beggar that no one else seems to care about, and in so doing he underscores for us the beauty of all-inclusive love, the beauty of seeing everyone we meet as a person of integrity and worth.

Recently, I ran across a powerful anonymous parable that I think expresses well what I am trying to say. It reads like this: "A disciple asked the holy man: 'How can I know when the dawn has broken, when the darkness has fled? It must be the moment when I can tell a sheep from a dog.' But the holy man answered, 'No!'

"The disciple then asked, 'Is it then that moment when I can tell a peach from a pomegranate? The holy man answered, 'No, none of these.'

"The holy man said: 'Until the moment when you can gaze in the face of a man or a woman and say, "You are my brother. You are my sister." Until then, there is no dawn; there is only darkness!'"

Christian love means valuing other people personally; second, it is all inclusive, seeing and responding to every person we meet as a brother or sister for whom Christ came and died. And Christian love is not domineering.

Maybe this is why some of the books we see in our bookstores today bother me. I just can't get in my mind the picture the picture of Jesus rushing to a bookstore to buy a book entitled negotiating from Power or Winning by Intimidation. Somehow these ideas seem diametrically opposed to the spirit of Christ. Please notice that when Jesus comes face-to-face with Bartimaeus, he doesn't grab him by the collar and say, "I know what you need! I know what you want!" No! Courteously, graciously, gently,

humbly, Jesus asks him the question: "What do you want me to do for you?" He lets Bartimaeus tell him what he wants and needs.

I think many married couples make a tragic mistake right at this point. During courtship, they are kind, patient, courteous, thoughtful, and considerate. But then they come back from the honeymoon drawing the battle lines, worrying about who is in control, trying to dominate each other; and they forget that Christian love is never domineering. Jesus shows us that dramatically when he says Bartimaeus, "What do you want me to do for you?"

Jesus' encounter with Bartimaeus also shows us that Christian love is self-giving and sacrificial. It means to give yourself to other people. It means to go out on a limb for others. Christian love acts in terms of the needs of other people. It's not just something you feel. It's something you do for the sake of others. Bartimaeus was crying for help. Jesus heard his crying and came to the rescue.

Some years ago in a small village in the Midwest, a little twelve-year-old girl named Tern was baby-sitting her little brother. Tern walked outside to check the mail. As she turned back from the mailbox, she couldn't believe her eyes. The house was on fire. So very quickly the little house was enveloped in flames. Tern ran as fast as she could into the flaming house only to find her baby brother trapped by a burning rafter, which had fallen and pinned him to the floor.

Hurriedly, Tern worked to free her brother. She had trouble getting him loose as the flames were dancing around their heads. Finally, she freed him. She picked him up and quickly took him outside and revived him, just as the roof of the house caved in.

By this time, firemen were on the scene; and the neighbors had gathered outside the smoldering remains of the house. The neighbors had been too frightened to go inside or to do anything to help, and they were tremendously impressed with the courage of the twelve-year-old girl.

They congratulated her for her heroic efforts and said, "Tern, you are so very brave. Weren't you scared? What were you thinking about when you ran into the burning house?" I love Tern's answer.

She said, "I wasn't thinking about anything. I just heard my brother crying!" Let me ask you something: How long has it been? How long has it been since you heard your brother or sister crying? How long has it been since you stopped and did something about it?

Now, don't miss the conclusion of this great Gospel story. After Bartimaeus received his sight, look at what he did. He followed Jesus on the way! See what this means? Bartimaeus was so moved, so touched, so inspired, so changed, by the love of Jesus that he wanted to be a part of it. He wanted to take up the torch! He was so moved, so touched, so inspired, so changed by the love that Christ gave him that he wanted to pass it on! He wanted to go out now and give that love to other people in that kind of way! That is precisely your calling and mine, to love every person we see just like Jesus love Bartimaeus that day.

Dr. Fred Andrea is the pastor of Aiken's First Baptist Church.

New fall talk shows aim to be 'Real,' authentic

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The field of female-centric talk shows expands by one this fall when "The Real" joins "The View" and "The Talk" in catering to women and their diverse interests.

Diverse, in fact, is the watchword of "The Real," starring five women of various life experiences and ethnic perspectives.

Tamar Braxton, Tamera Mowry-Housley, Loni Love, Jeannie Mai and Adrienne Bailon "reflect the home audience and unapologetically say what women are actually thinking," producer Telepictures promises. "Their unique perspectives are brought to life through their candid conversations about topics ranging from their own personal lives to the news of the day to beauty, fashion and relationships."

But it's a fact of TV that this many women of color have probably never been brought together on a single show.

Braxton and Love are African-American. A singer, Braxton is a reality TV personality and sister of Toni Braxton. Love is a stand-up comic from Detroit. Mowry-Housley is mixed race, born in Germany and a former child star with her twin, Tia, on "Sister, Sister."

Mai, who is Asian-American, is a makeup artist and style consultant. Bailon is Latina, a singer-songwriter and actress. Executive producer SallyAnn Salsano is Italian-American from Long Island (and a Mizzou graduate) whose credits include "Jersey Shore."

The show is called "The Real" because, well, it's real, Salsano told TV critics on a visit to distributor Warner Brothers this summer.

"Their opinions aren't fake," she said. "It's not an option. And if they even try and pretend to be PC ... one of them will call the other out. It's not the topics, it's how they respond to it that's real."

"My hair is not real," Love interjected at that point.

"Most people won't admit to breast implants, and things like that," Mai added. "We keep it very real."

"And open," Love said.

So open, in fact, that Mai said she had to go over some of the topics in advance with her husband, "because he's like, 'I did not know you were going to put all that out there.' Because it involves him, and I don't realize it. But I'm so comfortable being real."

"That's it," Mowry-Housley concurred. "We're all naturally just real genuine people, you know, in our everyday lives. So for us, it's not like we're trying to be real. It's just who we are. And now we get to have fun with it. Because I know, as a kid, I always got slapped in the mouth."

"The Real" arrives as ABC's "The View," which originated the woman-talk format, undergoes the most dramatic change in its 17-year history.

After the retirement of co-creator and mainstay Barbara Walters and the announcement that Rosie O'Donnell would return, panelists Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy were fired or (depending on what you believe) resigned. That left only Whoopi Goldberg, the panel's moderator, to sit alongside O'Donnell.

Bill Geddie, Walters' co-creator and executive producer, is out as well, possibly because he didn't get along with O'Donnell during her previous tenure on the show, when she clashed with conservative panelist Elizabeth Hasselbeck, now with Fox News Channel.

With all the original panel members now gone (Joy Behar retired in 2013) and the new season set to begin on Sept. 15, ABC still has not said who will join Goldberg and O'Donnell, and by most accounts has not decided. On Thursday, the network announced that MSNBC's Bill Wolff will replace Geddie as executive producer.

ABC also has touted a remodel of the studio, including a new color scheme, a fresh logo and the addition of an "on camera social media station."

CBS' "The Talk," launched in 2010, went through something similar after its first season, when Leah Remini and Holly Robinson Peete departed. With Sheryl Underwood and Aisha Tyler alongside original panelist Sharon Osbourne and host Julie Chen, "The Talk" seems like a bastion of stability now, and this summer it surpassed "The View" with women 25-54, both shows' target demographic, for the first time. "The View" averages more total viewers, around 2.8 million to 2.6 million for "The Talk."

Still in the honeymoon phase, the panelists of "The Real" call themselves "a work in progress." As Love put it: "Even though I'm the oldest one on the panel, I'm still developing, still growing. And all of these ladies are doing that. So we're going to make mistakes along the way, which is interesting for the show, because, you know, we'll just admit those."

"Most shows are cast by Garanimals," Salsano said. "Like, OK, you're the funny one, you're the this, you're that. In this case ... we said we want to have a good show."

As Mowry-Housley put it, "What I really love about the show, and being a part of this show, is that it's not so much about color. It's about our personalities. It's a huge girl chat. We represent someone you know."

Someone you do know returns to television this fall in the new season's only other freshman talk show.

Meredith Vieira, the original moderator of "The View" and former co-host of NBC's "Today" show, launches "The Meredith Vieira Show" in syndication. In St. Louis, however, Vieira's show was squeezed for a time slot and wound up in the overnight hours at 2 a.m. weekdays on KSDK (Channel 5).

Vieira, who comes across as everyone's favorite next-door neighbor, told TV critics at a panel in Los Angeles this summer that she found the title of the show "really scary, to be honest with you."

She lobbied for a different title, she said, "but the executives came back and said, 'What do you want it call it, then?' And we couldn't come up with anything else. It's humbling, but ... hopefully it will be a reflection of my authenticity, because people who know me and know that name, I think they know what they're going to get. I've been doing this for 40 years, and I am who I am."

As with "The Real," Vieira believes that authenticity is the key factor for her show.

"That's the keyword with an audience," she said. "I think they can smell a fake a mile away. They want real, and they want to connect with somebody."

She has been struck, she said, by "how significant daytime television is to the viewers. They connect with it in such a personal way. They feel that kind of connective tissue that I don't think you find in other times of the day. I think if you're able to really reach your audience and connect and give them a voice and a reason to watch, then, hopefully, you'll be a success."

Vieira will have a band, led by Everett Bradley of the E-Street band with four women musicians. She'll have dogs, who will be paired with recipients as service dogs.

And Vieira will have a set that looks like her own living room, she said, complete with furniture shabbied up to look like her own, wrecked by her cats and dog.

"A lot of people have torn up stuff, and they're going to feel so much better about their own furniture when they see my junk on that set."

{&rule}When to watch

'The Real' • 11 a.m. weekdays on KPLR (Channel 11) beginning Sept. 15, thereal.com

'The View' • 10 a.m. weekdays on ABC (new season begins Sept. 15), abc.com/theview

'The Talk' • 1 p.m. weekdays on CBS (new season begins Sept. 9), cbs.com/thetalk

'Meredith Vieira' • 2 a.m. weeknights on KSDK (Channel 5) beginning Sept. 9, meredithvieirashow.com

Reality TV Offers a Spectrum of Parenting Tips

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Bill Horn and Simone Masterson-Horn in "Extreme Guide to Parenting." Credit Kelsey McNeal/Bravo

It used to be that if you had kids, you gleaned child-rearing advice from your parents or your neighbors or your religious community. But these days, that seems pretty last century, or perhaps the century before that.

Now the place to go for information on how to be a good parent is reality television, and it has been full of advice lately. If your philosophy has not included strapping on your son's football gear and making sure he has no toys or friends, you are not doing the job properly.

Let's start with "Parents Just Don't Understand," which began last Saturday on the Hub Network. Joey Fatone, the former 'N Sync me mber, acts as host, turning up each week at a home where some child is complaining about the hard life of a hyper-busy brat.

"Please, Joey, help me," Saylor, a 12-year-old, laments in this Saturday's episode. "I need more time being a kid."

Mr. Fatone has the whiny child switch places with a parent, which, in the premiere, led to the delightful sight of a woman named Darcy suiting up and going through football practice in place of her 13-year-old son, Quintin. The show cops out a bit by not making the role-reversal complete: The tweeners do not get to drive the minivan when taking their younger siblings to appointments and such. Must've been liability issues.

"Six Little McGhees" is about raising sextuplets. Credit OWN

Anyway, it's all fake as heck, beginning with the surprise expressed by the parents when Mr. Fatone shows up at their house, and everybody tries too hard to achieve the snappy repartee of a scripted sitcom. But probably none of that bothers the intended audience. Yes, parents, your little darling wants nothing more than for you to see the error of your overscheduling ways.

So what's a mother or father to do? The answer was offered in a recent episode of one of the more jaw-dropping reality shows of the summer, Bravo's "Extreme Guide to Parenting," on Thursday nights. Each installment looks at a family that has adopted a child-rearing philosophy well out of the mainstream. Two weeks ago, viewers met the Whitacres, Wendy an d Tyler, who have jettisoned almost all their worldly belongings, including their home, and now live in a car with their two children, ages 7 and 9.

"My kids are going to be well rounded," Tyler Whitacre explained. "They're going to care about people and nature and not so much about things."

No day crammed with soccer practice and voice lessons for these kiddos, and no den stocked like a Toys "R" Us, either.

Erin and Chad are wed on "19 Kids & Counting." Credit TLC

"What are you playing with?" Mr. Whitacre asked his daughter during an idle moment, of which these children seemed to have plenty.

"A stick," she said, looking exactly as thrilled as your child would, if reduced to playing with a stick.

Among the "possessions" these young siblings are asked to do without: friends.

"They're each other's best friends because usually they have no other options," their mother explained. Indeed.

Darcy wears a uniform to learn what it's like to be her son in "Parents Just Don't Understand," guided by the show's host, Joey Fatone. Credit Hub Network

At least they'll have their memories, such as they are. "Mom," the 7-year-old moaned during a stop to take care of certain necessities, "I don't really like public bathrooms."

Continue reading the main story

It would be interesting to see one particular television family, the McGhees of Columbus, Ohio, try this same life-on-the-road approach, although no ordinary car would do. They return to Oprah Winfrey's network, OWN, next Saturday for Season 3 of "Six Little McGhees," a cuteness-saturated series that follows Mia and Rozonno McGhee as they raise sextuplets.

The show has tracked the children, who are adorable, more or less since birth, in episodes with titles like "Six Little Birthdays," "It's Potty Time!" and "Abra-Ca-Dentist." Now they're toddlers and moving a lot faster than in the first two seasons, which can't be good news for their parents. Last year, in a promotional appearance on "Good Morning America," Mr. McGhee's main advice for parents of multiples was, "When they sleep, you sleep."

As for his greatest challenge, he said, "The hardest thing is to go to the bathroom and watch yourself cry in the mirror."

But another venerable show that returns next week gives hope to the McGhees and parents everywhere. The TLC series "19 Kids & Counting," about the prolific Duggar family, comes back for its zillionth season on Tuesday, and Topic A in the premiere is the marriage of one of the 19, Jill. No matter how you raise your kids or how many you have, eventually, with any luck, they'll move out.

Artist Interview: David Lyve on life, music, and 'Love 4 Real'

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When it comes to thinking outside of the box, musically David Lyve is turning the deafest of ears towards said box, and is creating his own sound. As far as young singer/songwriter/musicians go (Because nowadays everyone is a triple threat.) David is slowly sliding the scale to the head of the pack. From the back roads of Virginia to the concrete streets of Philadelphia he is making noise and folks are listening.More importantly they like what they hear. Just before one of his performances here in Washington DC at the Takoma Station Tavern, David was able to sit down for a conversation that seemingly lasted for hours with a childhood friend.

Self taught musician, what was the first instrument that you to guy yourself how to play?
My first instrument was a piano— a keyboard that my mom bought me when I was in high school and then after that I always wanted to play guitar so I ran to the store and grabbed the first electric guitar. I didn't know anything about it; and bought like two books, went home and that started the ongoing process of always being in the house practicing.

And how many instruments do you play?
Let's see piano, guitar, bass, drums, organ, trumpet and that's about it.

Do you have a favorite?
Guitar is my favorite. Absolutely can't get enough of it, I'd rather play that than anything else believe it or not.

Interesting and who would you say has influenced you guitar wise?
Jimi Hendrix for one, Prince of course, when I heard Eddie Van Halen on the on the Michael Jackson Beat It, like that solo right there, it's kind of what turned me on to the, the I don't know what that is, but I want to know how to play like that. Just that whole rock era you know, the Led Zeppelin's, AC/DC, that heart.

This is so interesting you don't find that many people that look like us that are as into rock music as we are.
I know it.

Since I first heard Steve Perry I have been in love with this genre and between him and Tina Turner I can't get enough of rock 'n roll, so serious. At what point did you know that Music was going to be as heavily a part of your life as it is now?
I was 7 in elementary school and they were having auditions for a talent show they did yearly and I was always at home singing you know, when the radio would come on from 3 to 5 I would just sing anything that came on the radio so I went to the audition and I was Michael Jackson Smooth Criminal, white suit and all. I auditioned for that and got it and then when the actual show came it was a packed house and I did the whole routine and got a standing ovation and from that point I was like this, this feels like home. This is better than anything and I'm 7 right so I don't know nothing but I know that this feeling right here, it just felt like me. Ever since then I have been capturing that feeling over and over every tim e I get on stage.

And were your parents always supportive of it?
Mm hmm you know you can hear my dad in the crowd like "That's my son!" I got the video so. So they are always around and they're there and it's interesting because I don't come from like a big musical family so I'm the only one that plays instruments and gets on stage and stuff and they're really supportive,

If you weren't doing music what do you think you'd be doing?
Probably playing video games for a living. I had an Xbox but I had to sell it because you know I get addicted to it like NBA2K.

Well ya know they do have the big gaming conventions and stuff?
I know it, and if I wasn't doing Music I would probably be trying to learn how to make video games, either that or at a chocolate factory.

Uh I'm sorry a chocolate factory?
Yeah, trying to make chocolate so I can eat it for free.

Sweet tooth?
Sweet tooth.

Chocolate?
That's what I eat. Sweets, chocolate candy I'm just a big kid so I can't help it that's what I eat.

How do you deal with life on the road?
You don't, you just do it. Because I love doing music so much, it's not as much is a strain as some people try to make it seem you know.

How did you come up with David Lyve?
David Lyve with a "Y" and not an "I". I had a long conversation with a friend of mine, it was because of the stage antics, I was getting better and better, and just jumping off stage and having more fun. So I was having the conversation he was like man you're just so live and from that conversation it really just stuck.

For those who may not be as familiar with you who may they have heard you work with?
You've heard me work with Rashaan Patterson, I've worked with Marsha Ambrosius very recently, and a host of local talent.

What is the writing process like for David Lyve?
Lonely. I usually just, I like to sit in the room like this you know no distractions just trying to get everything that's in my brain all out on paper and then I read it over and say, "Now what do I really want to say?" And then just make it as simple as possible. Because you know how like you try to be all rhythmic and poetic and then like, I do that and then at the end of the day it's like how would I really say this? And then you add some art to it, but it just starts, start throwing everything at the wall and then sculpting something out of that like, this is what I want to say and this is how I'm going to say it.

So would you agree then that writing and music for you is therapeutic?
Yeah.

And in agreeing with that what would you say that you have learned about yourself with your latest project?
My latest project Love 4 Real, I've learned that, that I'm happy then in my previous project and I just learned that I'm learning a lot about love. And learning about love is interesting because you find out what you want from love. Love should be X,Y and Z and love should be this you know, from the songs and I'm reading the stuff over and I'm like oh so I learned this about love and I'm like I must be in love with somebody because is just pouring out you know.

So what is it that you want from love?
I want love to— someone to be in love with the fact of being in love, like I want love to always be like, "I don't want to leave this place." Anything else I do I want to stay right here, this is where I want to be like anytime I feel any kind of inkling of any kind of stress I just want to be able to reach my hand out and here's love and grab that and keep that and let that sustain me.

How do you handle your emotions musically?
That's where the guitar comes in handy. Because when you're pissed man and you can dial up this unmastered crazy rock tone and just close all the doors and just go wild, for some reason that just gets it. For some reason that guitar is just so emotional, just the way it sounds and the way you have to play it. I've done that many a day just come home and just pick it up and then you're fine.

You have a name for your guitar?
I do... I do... See you're not supposed to know this yet, it's really personal.

You can tell me I'm not gonna tell anybody
-Yes you are

I promise?
Yes you are! I can't, I can't divulge that information because if I tell you that I'm going to have to give it to you, and I can't do that yet.

OK, then you can definitely put it on hold.
-I'll see what I can do.

You seem like a pretty happy person all-around is that the case?
Try to be you know, God is good the rest is just work. Because when he returns what am I going to do be like, I have a show tonight?

So when people come to a David Lyve show what is it that they take away from it?
It's a 90/10 thing you're going to get 90% of entertainment are you going to get 10% of what I like to call a good word.

And what is a good word?
Good word is... Love. I love too and who is love but God so I always say after all of the entertainment is done, you got your money's worth hopefully so let me give you something that will take you to the next place like don't forget about God, don't forget that's where your love comes from, don't forget at the end of the day when all is lost fall on your knees and that is where you'll find love. That's when love comes real.

How long have you been in Philly now?
This will be almost three years. And Philly's great. I fell in love with the music scene you know and I love New York but I guess because Philly is a little bit smaller you get to know people really quick and it's just great to— they really let you know if they like it or not and if they like it, they want to be a part of it so I found a lot of talented people there and I'm able to work with a lot of people there and it's just been really good.

So where can we see you next?
You can come to Philly at the Theatre of The Living Arts on the 28th I'll be i'll be there with The Philly Fresh.

If you could pick five people to rock out in the band with who'd you pick?
Pino for bass, Prince on guitar, Chick Corea and Led Zeppelin' drummer [John Bonham] and Bilal.

And what would you name the album?
Craziness.

To keep up with David Lyve please visit his website www.DavidLyve.com

7 Tips on Developing and Maintaining a Successful Intimate Relationship

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7 Tips on Developing and Maintaining a Successful Intimate Relationship You probably wish to develop and maintain a successful intimate relationship. Unfortunately you, like many others, might find yourself failing time and again, without knowing why. The seven tips listed in this article explain the ways in which you might be harming your relationships, show you how to stop this from happening and how to develop and maintain a successful intimacy.

1. Get in touch with and understand the needs which affect your reactions and behaviors in a relationship.

Needs you are not aware of might be driving your reactions and behaviors. Are you, for example, driven by the need for love (which might drive you to be too submissive within a relationship?); the need for independence (which might drive you always to keep distance from your partner?), and so on. These needs often affect the way we react and behave in our relationships.

When you become aware of your needs and become able to free yourself from the impact they have over your reactions and behaviors, you will be able to behave with your partner in a healthy and mature way.

2. Understand the fears that drive your reactions and behaviors.

It is certain that you – like almost everybody else – have fears you are unaware of which harm your relationships, such as: the fear of commitment (which might drive you to escape from each and every relationship you begin to develop); the fear of being alone (which might drive you to jump into a relationship with whoever blinks at you); the fear of losing your independence (which drives you to be controlling with your partners); the fear of being hurt (which might drive you to be cautious with your partners, causing you never to dare to open up), and so on. Becoming aware of the fears that control you enables you to combat them and not let them interfere with your relationships.

3. Check whether your expectations are realistic.

It is great to have expectations! It is also natural to expect your partner to be there for you all the time; to love you unconditionally; to always understand you; to always remember your birthday. It is great to expect that you and your partner will always be in a good mood; will always be sexually attracted to one another, and so on.

If you find out that your expectations are not fulfilled, rather than getting angry at your partner, ask yourself whether your expectations are realistic and attainable. Often we set unrealistic expectations which cause us to become frustrated, disillusioned, angry and disappointed.

4. Ensure that your fantasies are realistic.

Fantasies are part of life. They give you something to dream about, something to look forward to. You might fantasize that your love will be just like in the movies; that your partner will supply all your needs; that the two of you will do everything together and never fight; that you will always agree on everything.

But if your fantasies are unrealistic and you hang on to them you are likely to harm your relationship. Therefore, think over your fantasies and determine whether they are realistic and attainable, or tend to verge on dream-like reality. The last thing you want is to ruin your relationship due to unrealistic fantasies. At the same time, for the sake of the relationship, you want to entertain fantasies which can materialize. The result is an important and attainable one.

5. Understand the messages which drive your interactions with your partner.

Messages you internalized while growing up affect your attitudes, reactions and behaviors without your being aware of it. For example, you might have been exposed in your family or the society in which you grew up to messages such as: "A woman should do everything for her partner" (driving you, as a woman, not to demand a mutual give and take with your partner); "Men don't do housework" (driving you, as a man, never to participate in household chores); "Compromises are most important in life" (driving you never to insist on what's important to you); "Self-fulfilment comes before relationships and family" (driving you always to take care of what's good for you first), and so on.

Becoming aware of the messages that drive you and realizing how they affect your relationships enables you to consciously decide how to react and behave with your partner in ways vital to a healthy and satisfying bond.

6. Be willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems and difficulties which arise between you and your partner.

There are many who never admit they might be wrong. They fight with their partner to prove they're right. This only escalates the problems. However, wherever there are two people there are often two opinions and two perceptions of "how things should be."

When you become aware of what drives you to react and behave in your relationship the way you do, and of the ways in which you might harm your relationship, you become more willing to take responsibility for your part in the problems and difficulties which arise between you and your partner. Taking responsibility shows that you too might be wrong. Place the relationship in front of "justice," and be willing to compromise.

7. Develop Self-Awareness.

Developing self-awareness means getting to know and understand what drives you to react and behave the ways you do in your relationship. It means understanding the needs and fears, messages, unrealistic expectations and fantasies which drive you to react and behave the way you do and the price you pay for it. It means realizing the ways in which you might harm your relationship, learning how to stop it from happening and becoming empowered to cultivate a successful intimacy.

Those who have developed self-awareness will tell you that:

Developing self-awareness is a worthwhile experience which enabled them to get to know and understand themselves better;
They are amazed by the personal and professional growth they've attained;
By developing their Self-Awareness they have gained a sense of empowerment which helps them to be authentic and true to themselves;
They are now capable of freeing themselves from needs and fears, messages, unrealistic expectations and fantasies which exerted power over them and are able to make conscious choices about the ways they react and behave in their relationships;
They feel empowered to develop a successful intimacy.

Give Self-Awareness a chance – it really can make a difference in your relationship!

Doron Gil, Ph.D., is an expert on Self-Awareness and Relationships with a 30-year experience as a university teacher, workshop leader, counsellor and consultant. He is the author of more than 100 articles on the subject and of "The Self-Awareness Guide to a Successful Intimate Relationship: Understanding Why You Fail in Your Relationships Over and Over Again and Learning How to Stop it!" More on Dr. Gil's book and articles in his blog: self-awareness-and-relationships.blogspot.com

APA Reference
Gil, D. (2011). 7 Tips on Developing and Maintaining a Successful Intimate Relationship. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 27, 2014, from http://psychcentral.com/lib/7-tips-on-developing-and-maintaining-a-successful-intimate-relationship/0009303

Last reviewed: By John M. Grohol, Psy.D. on 30 Jan 2013
Published on PsychCentral.com. All rights reserved.

Hollywood's relationship myths can wreak havoc on real-life romance

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The plots of romance movies are fairly predictable: Two romantically challenged characters will meet, realize they're destined to be together, encounter a series of problems meant to separate them, but by the end they'll be wrapped in each other's arms. Cue the credits.

Sure, these fictional stories almost never mirror the trajectories of real-life romances — but good luck telling that to our subconsciouses.

Watching these story lines unfold over and over again can distort our vision of love, said Alisa Ruby Bash, a Beverly Hills, Calif.-based marriage and family therapist.

"I often see young, single women who really want to get married but feel that if their date doesn't sweep them off their feet like the opening scene of a romantic comedy, that it is not worth a second date," she said.

If you've ever ended what, in hindsight, seemed like a promising relationship, go ahead and blame it on your obsession with romantic films or those Disney princess movies you watched as a kid.

"We've all grown up with that Disney model of, 'What is love?'" said Mia Adler Ozair, a clinical psychotherapist from Los Angeles and mother of nine. She said she has explained to her children, including her 5-year-old daughter, that the relationship dynamics depicted in these films don't represent reality. Real love is much more complicated.

So, while you're enjoying an entertaining romance, at least be discerning when watching it. Here are seven romantic tropes found in many love stories, which several experts jumped at the opportunity to debunk.

You'll meet "the one." Craig Malkin, clinical psychologist and instructor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, explained that researchers classify people's perceptions and behaviors in relationships on a scale as "destiny beliefs" or "growth beliefs." Destiny believers are more likely to subscribe to the most common romantic myths: love at first sight, love can conquer all and the notion of a designated soul mate. These people tend to have short relationships because they flee at the first signs of trouble.

"There's a passivity in (destiny) thought," Malkin said. "But love is participatory. You have to collaborate. You have to engage it. It doesn't just happen to us."

Those whose actions align more closely with growth beliefs approach love in an active way and work to improve themselves and their relationships. As a result, they tend to "have happier, longer relationships because they (understand) that love is only as strong as our commitment to it," Malkin said.

Malkin said the idea of "the one" is dangerous because it makes people think their love lives are outside of their control.

Love at first sight. Attraction at first sight? Sure — but love comes later on. Malkin said two people can certainly feel lust initially, and once they discover they're compatible and form a relationship, it's easy for them to say it was love from the start.

Mary-Lou Galician, lead professor for Arizona State University's Walter Cronkite School of Journalism and Mass Communication's online program, who teaches about how love is portrayed through media, said this concept is used liberally in film and television because it's convenient. If two people need to fall in love over the span of a TV show or movie for a story to work, it has to be immediate.

Opposites attract. Chauntelle Tibbals, a public sociologist who specializes in gender, sexualities and popular culture, explained that sociologists refer to social class as "the great divider" in relationships, even more so than gender or race. Yet in movies like "Pretty Woman," "Maid in Manhattan" and even "Titanic," the characters' disparities in affluence and lifestyle are no match for their unfaltering attraction.

While people from different walks of life can certainly fall in love, the more dissimilar the day-to-day rituals and preferences of two people, the less likely they are to last, Tibbals said. Ultimately, people with vastly different world views or styles aren't likely to be compatible.

"Happily ever after" lasts forever. When a movie ends and the screen goes black, viewers are left to believe that with the hardest battle already behind them, the fictitious couple's fate is now sealed for eternity.

"Reality is not so seamless," Tibbals said. "Tragedy happens. Life happens. People just grow in different directions."

One (admittedly undramatic) path to enduring happiness with one you love?

"We need to honestly tell our partner when something doesn't work or when it makes us feel angry or rejected," said Juliana Neiman, a marriage and family therapist in New York.

Fighting means you have passion. Some films use screaming matches to depict the passion between characters. One second two people are yelling at the top of their lungs, pointing fingers in each other's faces. The next second they're wrapped in each other's arms. In real life, explosive fights rarely end with a passionate love scene. Instead, doors are slammed. People go on long walks to cool off.

Galician said fighting is prevalent in entertainment only because of the need for conflict — often the peg upon which a story's plot is hung.

Fighting can make a couple question whether they're a good match, but never fighting can have the same effect. Galician said it's imperative not to confuse fighting with passion. Plenty of happy couples never fight, and many others do.

Neiman said occasional flare-ups are fine as long as they don't happen every day and don't result in physical violence or mental manipulation.

You can change someone if you try hard enough. Remember "Beauty and the Beast," when the bookish and headstrong Belle attempts to soften the Beast's demeanor through unconditional caring? In real life, she probably would've resigned in frustration — or have been mauled.

Sometimes movie characters who are especially thoughtful and resilient can change the people they love who are flawed.

"(This idea) puts a lot of pressure on the fixer," said Galician. It can also open that person up to relationship abuse, she added.

Love can conquer all. Rom-coms often focus on the relationship between the lovers, with cursory attention to everything else. The premise, of course, is that their love will take care of anything life throws at them, because they have each other.

Unfortunately, we must accept that sometimes love is powerless to external forces. Love cannot cure illness, or prevent people from dying.

"When you think about how people deal with grief and loss, there's a lot of resentment and stress," said Tibbals. These dramatically unromantic circumstances can tear even the most devoted couples apart.

"Although you need love to get through the inevitable issues that will arise, there are too many instances where it is simply not enough to make a marriage work," Bash said.

She added that divisions on the unromantic but important subject of finances can decimate a relationship, especially if one partner likes to save and the other likes to spend.

"Financial infidelity or irresponsibility can be more devastating to discover than sexual infidelity for some couples," she said. "A couple has to decide what kind of life they want and work together to achieve their goals."

Romantic storylines may very well amplify our expectations of love beyond what will ever be feasible, but they do add some benefit, Ozair said: "(They) remind us to be optimistic about love and open to adventure ... and hit at our deep-seated hope that love will find a way."

jreynolds@tribune.com

The Real-Life Parallels to 'Love Is Strange'

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In the fine new film Love Is Strange, the central characters find themselves in a situation all too familiar to same-sex couples in 21st-century America: After they are finally able to enter into a legally recognized marriage, the spouse employed by a religious institution loses his job.

In the movie, George, played by Alfred Molina, is a music teacher at a Catholic school in New York City. Supervisors, students, and parents know he's gay and partnered with Ben (John Lithgow). But when the two men get married, that's a public declaration that they're living their lives in violation of church doctrine, so the Catholic hierarchy orders school administrators to fire George.

The character responds with eloquence we all wish we had (thanks to writer-director Ira Sachs and his cowriter, Mauricio Zacharias). Read the text below, and on the following pages, take a look at some of the real-life stories that have parallels to the film.

Dear parents,

By now you have all heard of my joyful news, and of my sad news. To be able to finally marry my partner of almost 40 years, Benjamin Hull, in a small ceremony here at the New York City Hall was one of the happiest moments of my life. Unfortunately, later I found out that I could no longer continue to teach music at St. Anthony's.

Most of you, and everyone at the school, knew that I was gay and that Ben was my lifelong partner. I have always had nothing but support from all of you, so I would like to thank you, and also to emphasize that I understand that what happened is not the fault of St. Anthony's and its leadership.

Above all, I urge you to take this opportunity to have a conversation with your children about whether or not justice was served here.

The last thing I want them to take from this is that they should hide who they are, or what they think, if they believe it will get them into trouble. Life has its obstacles, but I've learned early on that they will always be lessened if faced with honesty.

I believe the world is a better place if people aren't lying.
In the words of the apostle Paul to the Corinthians: "Love does not delight in injustice, but rejoices with the truth."

Yours sincerely,

George Garea

Here are seven real-life examples when school leaders would benefit from watching Love Is Strange:

Ken Bencomo
Christopher Persky and Ken Bencomo
Bencomo and his partner of 10 years, Christopher Persky, were married July 1, 2013, shortly after marriage equality was restored to California. Less than two weeks later, Bencomo was fired from his job as an English teacher at St. Lucy's Priory High School in Glendora, a suburb of Los Angeles. He had taught at the Catholic girls' school since 1998, and his students and colleagues said he was one of the most beloved faculty members there. Also, most of them knew his relationship status. "It was known by 99 percent of the school that he was gay, but it was never an issue in the past," Brittany Littleton told The Huffington Post. "I think it's very hypocritical to be OK with someone and their relationship until they are open about i t." Bencomo has sued the school for wrongful termination. Attorneys for the school claimed that constitutional separation of church and state barred him from taking legal action, but a Los Angeles Superior Court judge ruled in June that the suit can go to trial.

Tippi McCullough
McCullough, an English teacher at Mount St. Mary Academy in Little Rock, Ark., married Barbara Mariani, a Pulaski County prosecuting attorney, in New Mexico October 16. Moments after the ceremony, she received a phone call from Mount St. Mary principal Diane Wolfe, telling her to resign or be fired, so McCullough submitted her resignation to the Catholic school. Students petitioned unsuccessfully for her reinstatement, but McCullough ended up with a new job, which she started in January, at Little Rock Central High School. It's a public school with a nondiscrimination policy, and it was a prominent site in the struggle for African-American civil rights, being desegregated by court order in 1957, with the National Guard called in to protect black students. She noted the school's legacy in an interv iew with The New York Times' Frank Bruni in December, and she also said she was through with just being partway out and wouldn't have done anything differently. "As I told the principal, I'm 50 years old," she said. "I'm tired of this. I've tried to play this game my whole life. I don't want to do it anymore."

Tom Klansnic
While Klansnic's story doesn't exactly parallel that of Love Is Strange, it's a reminder that antigay discrimination doesn't happen just in Catholic schools, or just in religious ones of any stripe. Klansnic says he was let go as principal of North Gresham Elementary School in Gresham, Ore., after coming out as gay in the wake of his divorce. "The way I was treated in the school district changed drastically," he told a Portland TV station last year, adding that a supervisor used "bullying words" with him in a private meeting. He had been with the school for 10 years of his 25-year career in education, and he says he received such treatment despite Oregon's gay-inclusive antidiscrimination law. He filed a complaint against the school district, which was settled out of court without the district admitting liability or wrongdoing, and moved to another state to continue his career.

Meanwhile, there have been cases of discrimination against personnel in schools affiliated with religions other than Catholicism. In 2010, Lisa Howe resigned as soccer coach at Belmont University, a historically Baptist but now nondenominational Christian college in Nashville. Students said at the time that Howe was pressured to leave after she revealed that she is in a same-sex relationship and that her partner was pregnant; Howe declined to discuss the matter. In any case, the tension between laws that embrace equality and faiths that don't will undoubtedly continue, along with debates over how much leeway antidiscrimination laws should give religious institutions.

Carla Hale
It wasn't a wedding announcement but an obituary that cost Hale her job as a gym teacher and coach at Bishop Watterson High School, a Catholic institution in Columbus, Ohio. When Hale's mother died last year, the obituary listed Hale and her female partner among the survivors; Hale's brother had encouraged the partner's inclusion. A parent sent a letter to the school, anonymously, objecting to Hale's relationship, and shortly after the teacher returned to work, she was fired. Students rallied around the popular Hale, dubbed a "wonderful teacher and amazing role model" by one Watterson alum. She hired a lawyer, filed a discrimination complaint with the Columbus Community Relations Commission, and tried to get her job back. Late last year, she reached a confidentia l settlement with the Diocese of Columbus; she won't be returning to the school, but it will acknowledge her 19 years of service. She's now working as a substitute teacher in and around Columbus and is reportedly happy to be back on the job.

Mark Zmuda
Zmuda was forced to resign as assistant principal at Eastside Catholic High School in Sammamish, Wash., a suburb of Seattle, in December, after his bosses learned he had married his male partner, Dana Jergens, the previous summer. Protests against his ouster drew hundreds of students, but school administrators would not reconsider the action. Zmuda, who says he was told he could keep his job if he divorced, has filed a wrongful termination suit, and, as in Bencomo's case in California, a judge has agreed it can go forward. Meanwhile, he's starting this school year with a new job, as assistant principal and athletic director at Mercer Island High School, also near Seattle.

Colin Collette
Collette had been music director at Holy Family Catholic Church in Inverness, Ill., a suburb of Chicago, for 17 years when he announced his engagement to Chicago teacher William Nifong via Facebook in July. The church promptly fired him. Church leaders had long been aware that Collette is gay, he says. He and Nifong have been together five years, and Nifong proposed while they were on vacation in Rome. But the Rev. Terry Keehan, the church's pastor, said Collette could not remain in the church's employ because he had "publicly endorsed a position in conflict with church teachings." About 700 people, many of them supportive of Collette, turned out at a meeting this month to discuss the situation; Collette received a standing ovation when he arrived. Another church staffer, cantor Kevin Keane, resi gned in protest, saying, "If he's not fit to serve, then I am not fit to serve."

Mike McMahon
McMahon is another Catholic church music director fired for his same-sex marriage. He lost his job at St. Agnes Catholic Church in Arlington, Va., in the summer of 2013, after his pastor learned of his marriage. McMahon had worked in various parishes around the Diocese of Arlington for 30 years, but a diocesan spokesman said, "This public act is unmistakable and verifiable and serves to cause scandal in the church and confusion among the laity. The church can't let a diocesan employee, especially one who has a significant and public role in the liturgy of the Mass, and other ceremonies, to stand in open defiance of church teachings." McMahon then took a job as a musician at a gay-affirming Protestant church in Washington, D.C., but he said he still feels Catholic. He said his firing was a blessi ng because he is free to be himself, but told The Washington Post, "Serving in the ministry of the [Catholic] Church has been my identity my whole life. This placed me outside of that. I now think of myself as not able to serve in church ministry. I know I'm Catholic, and I know I belong, but I can't do part of what makes me me."

R&B singers and reality television are in tune with each other

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When K. Michelle released "Rebellious Soul" last year, it was the highest charting debut for a female R&B singer since 2011. Largely unknown, she didn't even have a song in the Top 40.

But the Memphis native (born Kimberly Michelle Pate) had a powerful promotion tool on her side: reality television.

While unscripted TV has long made stars out of oddball personalities, it's also helped reinvigorate the careers of fallen stars — see Flavor Flav, Ray J and Kim Kardashian. Now, a slew of shows anchored by rising and veteran singers such as "Love & Hip Hop" and "R&B Divas" has become the genre's new normal.

"I really didn't have anything to lose," said the 30-year-old K. Michelle, who is part of the cast of VH1's "Love & Hip Hop." "I had just gotten out of a record deal ... and it made me think, 'Wow, I don't have a brand.' I wanted people to hear my music, but I wanted to tell m y story."

Since Michelle's role in the "Love & Hip Hop" franchise began, she has headlined a sold-out tour, won new artist honors at the Soul Train Awards and NAACP Image Awards and scored a spinoff series that will air in the fall.

"I took it very seriously. I went in it saying this is not going to overshadow everything about my music," said Michelle. "A lot of negotiating went into my story line. [I told producers] I'm not doing this scene unless you give me this scene with my music."

A protege of Missy Elliott in the late '90s, Cynthia "Lil Mo" Loving bluntly explains the ongoing marriage between R&B singers and reality TV: "There are other ways to break yourself, but it takes too long."

Loving is featured on TV One's hit "R&B Divas: Los Angeles." The show premiered last year and is a spinoff of the Atlanta-based original. Last month, the premiere of its second season outperformed the 2014 ESPY Awards in the ratings.

"I've written a book, I've recorded an album, I've done a movie, I have a detox program, I have a hair line," Loving continued. "For everything that the music industry didn't afford you, being on TV is a whole different opportunity and platform."

Since 2011, Toni Braxton and her sisters (Tamar, Traci, Towanda and Trina) have anchored WE tv's "Braxton Family Values." The show not only has become a flagship for the network but also has yielded significant rewards for her family.

Toni Braxton's first album in four years, "Love, Marriage & Divorce," debuted at No. 1 on Billboard's R&B/Hip-Hop Albums chart when it was released in February. Tamar Braxton, the youngest of the sisters, revived a stalled solo career after she broke out on the series as a quotable scene stealer. Thirteen years after her debut flopped, her comeback album, "Love and War," debuted at No. 2 on the Billboard 200 and earned three Grammy nods.

The success of "Braxton Family Values" helped establish WE tv as a network with an eye toward R&B fans. The same audience that watched the Braxtons tuned into "Mary Mary," a series featuring the gospel sister act of the same name that is now in its third season. And when '90s girl group SWV launched another comeback, they did so on the network with "SWV Reunited."

"The natural inclination when people see success in TV on one network, they tend to try to replicate it," said Marc Juris, WE tv president and general manager. "I can't speak for other networks, but we are getting pitched lots and lots of shows like this. Our first priority is always a great show. The music, for us, is second to this television story and how well they connect with the camera, how honest they will be and how compelling the story will be."

TV One has found similar success with its "R&B Divas" franchise. Launched in 2012, the original Atlanta-based series followed Faith Evans, who co-produced the series with Nicci Gilbert. Its debut was the most-watched premiere in the history of the network, and Evans' subsequent album (also titled "R&B Divas") nabbed a Grammy nomination.

Despite exiting the series, Evans still believes there is a benefit. "It helps to be in people's living rooms every week for two months," she said. "Whatever you choose to d o with it is on you."

But promotion can't be the sole motivation, said WE tv President and General Manager Marc Juris. "If you're setting out to do a show for a business purpose and not to tell a story, chances are it's not going to work," he said.

"I think it's a great runway for a project, but it does not discount the fact that you have to have a great song; otherwise, you're going to be a novelty," Juris added.

But SWV's Leanne "Lelee" Lyons wonders how her group's 2012 comeback effort, "I Missed Us," would have fared if it had been timed to their series. Released 15 years after their split, the album was coolly received, selling 14,000 copies its first week.

"We had been gone for so long. We were fortunate to have our loyal fans, but if they would have seen us go through that process of recording the last album, it would have made a huge difference," she said during a break from filming Season 2.

D'Angela Proctor, senior vice president of programming and production for TV One, said these shows are "a defibrillation process" that ultimately puts talent "back in the conversation."

"It's like they are still alive, but they are hanging on. At least that's the case for a lot of artists on our show," said Proctor. "When they first came into the industry, it was about music, but now they are having to reinvent themselves."

Michelle's reality show will launch in the fall on VH1, and the network will also debut "Love & Hip Hop: Hollywood" in September. A third entry in the "R&B Divas" franchise is being evaluated, and Keyshia Cole is timing her coming album with her third reality series (her first, "The Way It Is," was once the most-watched program in BET's history after its 2006 debut).

"I feel sorry for my peers on l abels that are new without reality shows," Michelle said. "Nowadays, these kids don't care that you can sing. They want to see that personality. I definitely used that to my advantage, and it worked."

Gerrick.kennedy@latimes.com