The Advice Goddess

To Leech According To Her Needs and For Whom The Wind Chimes Toll

September 25, 2014

To Leech According To Her Needs

My roommate's girlfriend is unemployed and just hangs around our place all week, even when he's at work. (She has her own place but is never there.) She's very wasteful with our utilities. Yesterday, after work, I found her in the living room watching TV with the air conditioning on full blast — even though she also had all the windows open and, for some reason, had turned on our gas fireplace! When I muttered something to my roommate about her kicking in for utilities, he retorted that my girlfriend isn't paying any extra. Well, she is here a night or two a week, has a job, and doesn't run up our electric bill.
— Feeling Scammed

You need to establish a new house rule: "Residents and their guests can experience only one climate at a time."

Your problem started with going into a roommate situation without rules — without a written document spelling out how things would work between you and how they'd work if something weren't working. Signing a roommate contract (like this example from Nolo's "Every Tenant's Legal Guide": bit.ly/roommatecontract) might sound unnecessarily formal. However, it's wise to do whenever you're rooming with anything more animated than a cactus. Remember, to be human is to be annoying — like, for example, by letting another human move in and cause climate change in your living room.

The fair thing is to get Jackie Brownout to start forking over for the utilities — before it occurs to her to run the dryer all night because the white noise helps her sleep. But the fair thing isn't always the smartest thing. Consider what this is costing you — and what it could cost you. Compare bills from the previous year to get an idea of how much she's actually sending the bill up. No, putting every power source in the house on full blast isn't free, but her usage probably doesn't add more than $10 or $20 to your monthly bill. And no, it isn't fair that you're paying half of that. However, getting into this with your roommate might lead to your putting the $10 or so you'd be saving on moocher energy charges toward doughnuts for the movers you'd be paying hundreds of dollars to haul your stuff to storage until you could find your next apartment.

If you decide it would eat away at you too much to be paying for her, say something to your roommate, but in a mellow way, over a beer. Tell him you really like his girlfriend (because diplomacy, not truth, is life's little lubricant). As far as you're concerned, she's welcome to stay over as much as she wants, but you'd like a new house policy: Girlfriends who stay over four or more days a week need to kick in for utilities. Stress that this applies to your girlfriend, as well, and add that the particular roommate, not the girlfriend, should be responsible for the payment. The last thing you need is to be going all collection agent on this woman — preferable as it might be to asking her to cut to the chase and heat the house by burning stacks of your money on the coffee table.

For Whom The Wind Chimes Toll

This girl I'm dating is truly great — except for how she is into astrology, buys me crystals to improve my "energy," and keeps sitting me down for tarot card readings. As we get more serious, I feel like telling her I don't believe in any of this. But I think she actually believes in this stuff and would be hurt if I came clean.
— Rationally Based

Somehow, people who find it perfectly reasonable to ask a deck of cards whether they should invest in a 401(k) will sneer at you for asking a mailbox for directions to the movie theater. The question is, as a guy who tries to live rationally, can you respect a woman who probably reads books like "The Healing Power of Pebbles" and "How to Ask the Universe for a Pony"? (Without respect, you have contempt, which researcher John Gottman finds is the number one killer of relationships.)

Figure out whether you can compartmentalize — focus on what you love and shrug off her planning her day based around whether she sees a sign in her toast. If you stay together, gently explain that you appreciate how sweet she is in wanting to help you but that you really don't believe in all this stuff. Over time, if you let her see your thought process but don't hammer her with it, she may come around to the merits of evidence-based beliefs. In the meantime, do your best to be polite when she introduces you to her relatives — all her relatives, ever. (Are you free for a seance Friday night?)

It's Amy Alkon's Advice Goddess Radio — "Nerd your way to a better life!" with the best brains in science solving your love, dating sex, and relationship problems. Listen live every Sunday — http://www.blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon/ — 7-8 p.m. PT, 10-11 p.m. ET, or listen or download at the link, at iTunes, or on Stitcher.

NOTE: I've started an every-other-week radio show, a half-hour love/sex/dating/relationships advice-oriented chat with animal behaviorist Dr. Jennifer Verdolin. My regular shows on the best behavioral science books will continue on alternating weeks..

Advice Goddess Radio: Amy Alkon and Dr. Jennifer Verdolin on how and why to set boundaries — even if it terrifies you.

Check Out Psychology Podcasts at Blog Talk Radio with amyalkon on BlogTalkRadio

(c)2014, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Got a problem? Write Amy Alkon, 171 Pier Ave, #280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or e-mail AdviceAmy@aol.com (advicegoddess.com). Weekly radio show: blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon

Order Amy Alkon's new book, "Good Manners For Nice People Who Sometimes Say F*ck" (St. Martin's Press, June 3, 2014).

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‘Sex Box,’ A Reality TV Show Where Couples Have Sex In A Box and Discuss It, Is Coming to America

On Thursday afternoon, WE tv announced plans to bring the controversial UK reality series to the United States in 2015. And reality TV has, unsurprisingly, reached a new low.

If you thought Dating Naked, VH1's boner-poppin', trolltastic reality series where contestants do just that—and whose participant, Jesse Nizewitz, is suing the network for $10 million for showing a brief flash of her unpixelated crotch while she play-wrestled with a random nude dude on the beach (really)—was the lowest of the low, well, think again.

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you: Sex Box.

On Thursday afternoon, The Hollywood Reporter reported that WE tv, a subsidiary of AMC Networks, has ordered the dating show Sex Box to series, picking up nine hour-long episodes. It will debut sometime in 2015. The show is an American adaptation of the UK Channel 4 series of the same name that sought to "reclaim sex from pornography" (their words) by having couples step into a giant box erected on the set, have sex inside of it, and then emerge for a post-coital chat about their seven minutes in heaven—or hell—with a panel of sexperts.

"Sex Box is one of the most unique and compelling show concepts we've ever seen, and we can't wait to bring it to WE tv," said Marc Juris, WE tv's president. "Our featured couples will get a once-in-a-lifetime experience, while our viewers will get the kind of bold, break-through-the-clutter programming they increasingly associate with WE tv."

The panel of sexperts who'll be embarrassing these poor, attention-starved, soon-to-be-split couples are: Dr. Fran Walfish, a Beverly Hills "relationship psychotherapist" with a celebrity clientele; Dr. Chris Donaghue, a Ph.D who's one of 600 certified sex therapist's in the world; and Dr. Yvonne Capehart, a Florida pastor who founded the Sister Keeper International Ministries Crusade, a network for women in ministry, and does some gospel singing on the side. They'll be joined by comedian/host Danielle Stewart, who will interview the doomed couples prior to entering the sex box, thereby serving as the de facto mood-setter.

And, whereas most people of sound mind enjoy, say, a grilled cheese, cigarette, shower, or some good ol' snuggling after doing the deed—to combat those post-coital blues—the couples that feature on Sex Box will be thrust into the therapist's chair to share, in front of millions of people, their respective sexual hang-ups with their partner, which is definitely a good idea.

"Once each couple enters the sex box, our experts discuss their initial observations, ranging from what they think is happening inside the box to whether or not the relationship will survive," read a statement by WE tv. "Immediately upon exiting the sex box, each couple sits down for a heart-to-heart with the expert panelists to discuss what just happened, how they feel, and how they're planning to overcome their issues."

Yes, despite this week's asstastic Nicki Minaj video, there's still a great deal of Puritanical pearl-clutching stateside when it comes to sex, and a certain air of Victorian Era hypocrisy as well, when you consider that 64 percent of American men and 42 percent of American women view porn at least monthly, according to a recent survey (and those numbers seem very conservative).

"We may find it embarrassing to talk about, but there's never been a greater need to open up about sex," said the UK version of Sex Box during its premiere episode. "So we're going to try to answer some big questions. With the Internet bringing pornography into most of our homes, what's that doing to the way young people think about sex? Millions of us are gay, and yet what gay people do in bed remains taboo—almost never discussed—so what is the truth about gay sex? And with 1-in-5 middle-aged couples saying they cheat on their partners, what's causing that? And what can be done about it?"

While our attitude toward sex in media—namely, film and television—is antiquated, since we live in an age when network TV shows can show blood-splattered school shootings and little girls getting capped in the head but will be fined if they show a nipple, even on an elderly medical patient, and God help you if you happen to flash a nipple shield during the Super Bowl.

But Sex Box, with its ridiculous guinea pigs screwing conceit, will only augment our cultural hang-ups about sex. Listening to a sex therapist, a relationship psychotherapist, and a pastor do their best American Idol impressions, break down the myriad problems couples are having during the act, will only make people more apprehensive when it comes to having sex. And what business does a pastor have lecturing people about his or her sexual performance? Religion is one of the driving forces behind this country's prudishness to begin with. Furthermore, positioning pornography as some sort of cultural evil is about as backwards as it comes. Despite its misogynistic streak, porn is the one thing actually showing kids how to have sex, and normalizing it—especially when you take into account how much of a joke sex-ed programs are in schools. 

Plus, this sorry excuse for a show represents a sort of cultural nadir when it comes to reality television. There's the aforementioned Dating Naked, the FYI series Married At First Sight, and now, a show where people bump uglies in a box and chat about it after. And these reality shows aren't opening our minds to the possibilities of what these three things—dating, marriage, and sex—offer. They're transforming all three into cultural sideshows that turn people off.  

If WE tv really wants to demystify sex, they should show people doing more of what the late, great Stanley Kubrick offered up as the last lines ever uttered in a film of his: "What's that? Fuck."

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6 Celebrity Relationships That Ended This Summer

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Is there nothing more fickle than the heart of a celebrity?

Considering our own short-lived affairs, probably not, but their relationships are fraught with more challenges than the average courtship. Between hectic schedules, the paparazzi and the long distance, it's no wonder why Hollywood couples call it quits so often.

Here are six celebrity relationships that ended this summer.

Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez

SOURCE: NY Daily News

There are those relationships we hoped would have lasted forever, and then there are those that were only meant to be a fling. Zac and Michelle's relationship was a fling.

The two were first spotted kissing each other while vacationing with pals in Italy back in July, and just when we were done scratching our heads, it was over. At least we got one good romantic, super-manly (on Zac's part) horseback riding photo out of it. For those curious, Zac hasn't been linked with anyone since while Michelle was recently spotted out and about with her former fling, model Cara Delevinge.

Nicholas Hoult and Jennifer Lawrence

SOURCE: fiftyshadesteacoffeeandbook on TUMBLR

Nick and Jen were our ideal couple: she has a firecracker of a personality while he was more of a reserved soul, balancing each other out quite well.

They met while working together on X-Men: First Class back in 2010. They broke up for the first time just before Jennifer went on a highly successful red carpet circuit in 2012/2013, scooping up an Oscar for Silver Linings Playbook in the process. They reunited just in time for last winter's round of award shows, but reports of their split surfaced in August. Jennifer has since been linked to GOOP-less Coldplay frontman Chris Martin.

Ansel Elgort and Violetta Komyshan

SOURCE: Just Jared

The Fault in our Stars actor met his dancer girlfriend while they were both attending New York City's prestigious LaGuardia High School but only stepped out publicly for the first time during Paris Menswear Fashion Week in June. They reportedly split up in August with sources citing Ansel's busy work schedule as the source of tension.

Ariana Grande and Jai Brooks

SOURCE: Daily Mail

The pop singer and the Australian prankster first began dating in 2012 but split up after 11 months. Ariana struck up a new relationship with The Wanted's Nathan Sykes in the meantime, breaking things off after three months together. Ariana was then spotted kissing Jai backstage at iHeartRadio Music Awards in May, shortly confirming the news on their respective Twitter accounts. Sadly, their on-and-off love story ended in August. Ariana has now been linked to rapper Big Sean just as the two were caught holding hands backstage at the MTV VMAs.

Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon

SOURCE: Just Jared

The couple who sent the Internet in a tizzy with each and every hilarious couple photo is dunzo. Mariah and Nick announced their separation last week, which was around the same time Nick stopped wearing his wedding band while hosting America's Got Talent. The two have an adorable set of three-year-old twins together, Moroccan and Monroe.

Sarah Hyland and Matt Prokop

SOURCE: formulatv.com

After appearing on the red carpet without him, reps for the Modern Family star confirmed that she and her actor boyfriend of five years have called it quits. The two met while auditioning for the third High School Musical movie in 2008. The couple moved in two years later. Matt was even by her side as Sarah underwent a kidney transplant surgery in 2012 in response to her lifelong battle with kidney dysplasia.

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A Message To All Celebrity Exes, Boo's, and Women

There used to be a time in all of our lives when at the end of a relationship both parties would mourn the loss of a romantic friendship (some for shorter periods than others- face it ladies men, generally, move on quicker), then make a conscious decision to move forward and not let the failures of that relationship define us as the true, loving people we are.

Now, thanks to the seemingly endless wave of reality TV "drama-dies" (I call them this because most of the casts dramatic behaviors are a joke), exes are being brought to the forefront in droves- and they're mostly all-women casts. Ever wonder why there's no programming of male exes to celebrity women? I'll get to that in a moment. But these shows consist of women who have been hurt and have decided to move on, yet also allow themselves to be identified by their past failures.

Don't get me wrong. I understand that if you are a woman who has dated a celebrity and has had a tumultuous relationship that seriously affected you, your children and the overall ability of that celebrity (such as death, physical or substance abuse) then sure, you have a story to tell. Without a doubt it is likely that there are publishing deals and movie rights with your name on them because you have been through something that puts you in a position to help others. Think along the lines of Tina Turner.

However, if you were with a celebrity, no matter if you were engaged or married, and that relationship ends on terms that you wouldn't necessarily find favorable (usually infidelity) I can only see one reason for doing a show where you are publicly engaging in what women everyday and everywhere do. That reason is clearly for publicity that leads to capital gain. Looking for love, even if you have once dated a celebrity, does not make for interesting. We all know how it goes. You pick an average person to date, he/she will never live up to the celebrity you used to date, and since you have opened yourself up to public scrutiny it makes it tens times harder for you to move on successfully. As well, the show will inevitably expose your poor interactions with other women.

So what once started out as you trying to move on from being identified by one failed relationship, actually showcases your subsequent failed attempts at love and the drama-filled "friendships" you have with the other women that are usually unhealthy and volatile. Should we blame editing?

There is a reason there are no all-men casts for this type of programming. In fact, there are several reasons. For one, men are not eager to show the world their failures. In business, friendships, or in love. It lends them to judgment and having to spend time defending their actions and character, when that is time they could be using to take action towards defining themselves. As well, a lot of guys do not wear their feelings on their sleeves. It is rare that you will see a man, on television, crying about a relationship that has gone wrong and how hurt he is by it because he has been there, for that person, since the beginning.

This is not to say your feelings should not be acknowledged, or are not valid. But everything is not for everyone to see. Discuss these issues with real friends, in nurturing environments where you aren't being dissected by the world.

True enough I do not watch these shows in their entirety. It usually only takes me tuning in to the premiere show, to get a gist of what the entire season will be like. There is usually a few "finding love" dates, drinks with their girls, fights at tables when having drinks with their girls, solo confessionals, activities and trips where they get into a few shenanigans that ultimately lead to more arguments, fights and tears.

Oh God, the tears!

The latest addition to the drama-tears-drama triangle we've come to accept as programming is Atlanta Exes, which premiered last night on VH1. The show follows the ex-wives and fiancee' of recording artists Ne-Yo (Monyetta Shaw), Usher (Tameka Raymond), Cee-Lo Green (Christine Johnson), former football pro Ray Buchanan (Sheree Thompson) and comedian Kevin Hart (Torrei Hart).

Funny coincidence: Hart, proposed to his girlfriend of five years, Eniko Parrish on the same night as the premiere of Atlanta Exes. Leaving many fans to believe he was stepping on Torrei's moment of "shine." Although, there has been no evidence of truth to these claims.

I didn't catch the premiere of this show yesterday. I did, however, watch it today via a blog and sadly found nothing different in its set-up or delivery from shows like Hollywood Exes, Basketball Wives (in every respective city), Baseball Wives, Love and Hip-Hop (in every respective city), and the numerous housewife shows of women struggling with their friendships and (gasp!) marriages.

The point is there is nothing new or spectacular about having to move on from a relationship that no longer aids in your ability to grow. And that is exactly what each party should do. Sometimes it is hard to discard your favorite pair of holey underwear, but deep down you know they need to go. Deep down, I know many of these women know there will be no reconciling their past failed relationships. Many of these men have moved on (excluding those of the housewives), and realize that 'sure, this person was there for me during this time in my life, and I have made some mistakes –we both have- but I've grown since then and I choose to share my life with someone that can nurture my new growth.'

We rarely ever see men move on, or look for love in front of the camera. I think it's about time we stop seeing it from women. Moving on from something you failed at does not need to be broadcasted. In the words of Nike: Just Do It.

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Will You Be My Therapist? Expert Advice on Finding the Right One

By Sept. 22, 2014 6:25 p.m. ET

People write me from time to time to ask, "How do I find a good therapist?"

I went to Prudence Gourguechon, a Chicago psychiatrist and psychoanalyst and past-president of the American Psychoanalytic Association, to find out what people entering therapy should look for in a therapist, how to establish the relationship and what the best ways are to work together to maximize treatment.

To find a therapist to try out, Dr. Gourguechon recommends asking friends if they know of someone they can recommend. If a friend has his or her own therapist, ask the friend to ask the therapist for a referral. Refrain from seeing the same therapist that a close friend or family member sees.

If you can't find a word-of-mouth recommendation, she suggests using a website such as Psychology Today; professionals post information about themselves on its "Find a Therapist" feature. When you see a promising listing, check out the therapist's website. Does he or she write well and view things similarly to how you do?

At the first meeting, Dr. Gourguechon says, pay attention to the fit. Are you comfortable with the office environment and the person's style of relating? Do you get the sense the therapist has a good preliminary understanding of what you are going through? "You should feel that they are tuned in and on your wave length, and that you can expect the relationship and understanding to deepen," Dr. Gourguechon says.

Within the first few meetings, the therapist should take a thorough history, give you a diagnosis and articulate how he or she can help. "They need to come up with something of a formulation that says: 'This is what I think your problem is, this is how I think it developed and this is what I can offer you," Dr. Gourguechon says. There should be a treatment plan—specifying how often you will meet, for how long and what type of therapy you will have, such as cognitive behavioral therapy or psychoanalysis.

The therapist also should be able to acknowledge his or her limitations. For example, if you have a major mental illness and you go see someone who does cognitive behavioral therapy, he should explain that while this therapy is helpful with many issues, you may need more help.

Like good physicians, effective therapists are good listeners. "You want an open-minded person who doesn't put you in their box, but gets to know you in all your complexity," Dr. Gourgu echon says. "You want to hear: 'Let's keep talking.' You want to hear uncertainty—'It could be this or it could be that.' You want to hear an exploratory, curious stance."

"It's like when you go to a financial planner," she adds. "You can tell if they are really thinking about your needs and who you are as a person, or if they are just trying to sell you a product with the littlest effort."

As a patient, it is your job to participate in the process, Dr. Gourguechon says: "You are not there to receive wisdom or a bolt from the sky. You want expertise. But in many ways you share in the expertise."

Dr. Gourguechon's tips for maximizing the therapeutic relationship:

Don't edit yourself in therapy. Let thoughts float to the surface. This will help your therapist understand what is really bothering you the most, on an unconscious level.

Find out what your therapist wants you to do, and try to do it. If you have difficulties with any of it, talk about them. Don't pretend you are going to try a suggestion if you aren't actually going to try it. Don't pretend something is working.

Ask questions. If you don't understand something your therapist says, ask him or her to clarify. If something isn't helping, or you don't feel better, ask why not. Your therapist should be able to give you an explanation.

Give your therapist feedback. He or she will make a lot of suggestions and interpretations. Some will be good and some won't, Dr. Gourguechon says. Share your reactions, both positive and negative.

"Some people think just coming to therapy is going to change things for them, but it doesn't work that way," Dr. Gourguechon says. "You have to venture out trying to change, and then come back with reports on what is working and what isn't working. It's an active process, where there are constant adjustments on both the patient's and the therapist's part."

And how can you tell if you've gone as far as you can with y our therapist—that it's time to break up? If you feel that your therapy has stalled, the first thing to do is talk to your therapist about it, Dr. Gourguechon says. Ask why he or she thinks it isn't working and request an updated treatment plan. Your therapist should take you seriously and not become defensive. You might not like the answer ("Sometimes it takes a long time to change"), but you should get a clear one.

"If they say, 'Just keep coming and we will keep doing the same thing—and they have no rationale for why you will feel different in a year when you haven't yet—that's not too promising," Dr. Gourguechon says.

Of course, sometimes it can be part of therapy to get angry. You'll need to talk that through with your therapist and examine together whether you are recreating a pattern.

Another option, if you feel stalled, is to tell your therapist you want a second opinion and see what kind of response you get. "They should say, 'That's great, let's see what someone else thinks,' " Dr. Gourguechon says.

One big indication it may be time to leave: A relationship that feels empty, one-sided or like an ordinary friendship. "The therapeutic relationship should be a challenge. You should be learning new things about yourself," Dr. Gourguechon says. "Maybe not every day or every week, but pretty consistently. There should be progression."

—Write to Elizabeth Bernstein at Elizabeth.bernstein@wsj.com or follow her on Facebook and Twitter at EBernsteinWSJ.

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Reality TV host choices stir up debate

VietNamNet Bridge – Lately, there has been much talk about the quality of several television reality shows, from the top-notch to the small-scale kind. The issue revolves around the question of what the producers really care about – the quality of the shows or the popularity of the people who are their hosts.

To begin with, one of the most-viewed TV programmes, Master Chef Viet Nam Season 2, the Vietnamese version of the popular international reality TV show Master Chef, has been embroiled in controversies over its hosts.

The judges included Tang Thanh Ha, a well-known actress; Luke Nguyen, a Vietnamese Australian chef; Pham Tuan Hai, a Vietnamese celebrity chef; and Nguyen Kim Oanh, a businesswoman. With this lineup, the show promised to be a huge success.

Apparently, of the four, it was Ha who enjoyed the support of most of the TV show's audience. A celebrity renowned for her elegance and wit, she had just left the entertainment world behind and had committed to the cuisine business. According to the show's producers, this explains why she was invited to become one of the four hosts of Master Chef this year.

But after three episodes, Ha became the centre of social pressure from the audience and in online forums. In those episodes, Ha reportedly accused a contestant of not having any passion for food after he admitted joining the show for the big reward: money. She also reportedly made vague comments about some of the contestants' dishes.

According to most of the viewers, Ha was not a professional chef, as she had entered the cuisine business for just a few months and was not experienced and qualified enough to make a judgement on the show's competitors.

"I cannot believe she is qualified enough to become a judge of such a huge competition. Why do models and actresses become food judges so easily? How can they turn a large-scale contest that aims to find talented cooks into the playground of entertainers? All they need is money and they can become the judges of any reality show they want," said Nguyen Ngoc Ha, a viewer.

Another viewer, Truong Tan Nam, remarked: "We need straightforward professional judgements, not vague and general ones. As for Ha, sending the architect home for saying he was in the show for the money was absurd. It is not important what people came to the show for. What really matters is whether he or she has genuine talent for cooking and did not break the rules of the game. In Master Chef US, it is normal for someone to join the game for money. Why do they have such an odd rule in Viet Nam?"

Other viewer said Ha's comments and reactions to the show's contestants were giving the food industry in Viet Nam a dark future.

Frankly, Ha was only 27 years old when she became a host of Master Chef and is the youngest of the four hosts. In the eyes of the audience, the actress is so inexperienced both in her life and career that she is incapable of working in such a prestigious show.

Master Chef Viet Nam Season 2: The judges included Tang Thanh Ha, a well-known actress; Luke Nguyen, a Vietnamese Australian chef; Pham Tuan Hai, a Vietnamese celebrity chef; and Nguyen Kim Oanh, a businesswoman.

Tran Phuong Dung, a fan of the show, disagreed, saying it wasn't right to put all the blame on Ha.

"Some are commenting because they are jealous of her, as she is young, beautiful and rich. Why don't you take a look at Hai? Although he is a celebrity chef, he does not own a restaurant chain like Ha, and he represents the sponsors and producers on the show. He has not been acting like a celebrity chef," commented Dung.

Luke Nguyen, the Vietnamese Australian chef who is also one of the hosts, likewise praised Ha.

"In the Australian version of Master Chef, two of the four hosts are food critics who do not need to know how to cook but must have a certain knowledge of food. In Viet Nam, we have not yet had a critic for a judge. As an actress, she also owns a restaurant where 80 per cent of the recipes are her own creations. I think she is a true expert, as she knows every single kind of seasoning and flavour and knows how to present a dish!" said Nguyen.

Ha has since left the show to take care of her family's business. She has so far refused to comment or respond to any question on the matter.

In their development of reality TV shows, the number of judges has been a headache to producers. If they wish to attract the audience's attention, they are expected to choose famous faces in related fields.

In general, it would not be simple to just look for celebrities everywhere, as they are limited in experience while the number of shows are growing day by day. In the maze of reality TV shows, the market for judges is more classified: prestigious and powerful faces are chosen for top-rate shows while the less famous ones are for second- or third-rate shows.

In the same position as that of Ha is film director Le Hoang, a familiar face in a couple of reality TV shows ranging from music and dancing to food. Recently, he was invited to be a host of Vao Bep La Chuyen Nho (Cooking is Easy), though he admitted knowing zilch about affairs of the kitchen but savoured delicious food.

"I was recognised by many people as the man who earns a living by bearing the title of judge. If I do not accept, others will. This is a chance to show my face to the audience. Why should I hesitate to do so?" quipped Hoang.

In Ngoi Sao Viet (Viet Nam Star), the Vietnamese version of a popular Korean show, the choice of Vietnamese dancer Jonny Huy Tran as host, along with pop singer Nguyen Phuong Thanh and two other Korean judges, has made the audience wonder whether a big mistake has been made. This is also true of Viet Nam Idol's Nguyen Huong Giang, a transgender contestant who was also selected to be a judge in another singing contest.

"Viet Nam Star is a song contest, but Jonny is a professional dancer. He knows nothing about singing. How can they make him a judge of that show?" commented Nguyen Ngoc Thu, a viewer.

Music critic Nguyen Quang Long, who has studied the Vietnamese music industry for quite some time, warned that it was alarming for the development of the nation's culture if these reality TV shows were to continue.

"It takes a long time and much money and sweat to give birth to a genuine artist. The public does not need fame, as this is much too easy to make. An artist must be the one who beautifies the spiritual life of the people. TV producers and sponsors today are just focusing on making profits and are putting fame and scandal in the same position," Long noted.

"If the culture authorities do not take drastic solutions, this will distort and even damage the taste and culture of audiences," he said.

Even so, life continues. Who can be certain that, sooner or later, there will not be more reality TV shows that put profit over the benefit of the public?

VNS/VNN

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The real ‘love jihad’

| by Kancha Ilaiah

In Kerala, the right to the wear upper garment was granted to non-Muslim women in the late 19th and early 20th century. In such a situation, loving Muslim men was a true jihad.

( September 23, 2014, Hyderabad, Sri Lanka Guardian) The debate on "love jihad'' focuses on Muslim men seducing Hindu women across the caste spectrum and marrying them to propagate Islam and alter the religio-demographic profile of our country.

The same forces have, often in the past, accused Christians of luring Hindus from the lower castes and tribals into the folds of Christianity.

But this is a new Hindutva-Brahminic theory — that through love, the religio-demographic profile of a country such as India – can be altered. Under the pretext of this new theory of "love jihad" any attempts at inter-religious marriages, which in any case are few and far between, are being blocked.

Even now India is not a land where marriages of choice, or love marriages as we call them, are encouraged. Matrimonial partners are by and large still endorsed by families under our thriving "arranged marriage" system.

This arranged marriage system was institutionalised as it alone could nourish, feed and sustain the caste system. And that's the reason it continues even in this day and age. The arranged marriage mechanism put an effective full stop to inter-caste and inter-religious marriages.

Not only Hindus, but Muslims and Christians too endorse this pernicious system to conserve their family lineage, cultural and religious traditions.

Historically, the adoption of the religion of the spouse is well-known and documented. More upper caste Hindu women have married Muslim men, than upper caste Muslim women (there is caste among Muslims, too) have married Hindu men. In such marriages, some Muslim women have changed their religion and some have not.

The most striking example of "love jihad" is that of Kamala Das (later Kamala Surayya) — an upper caste Hindu woman, a famous writer and a devotee of Lord Krishna, who lived in Kerala. According to a biographic source, "She was born in a conservative Hindu Nair (Nallappattu) family having royal ancestry. After being asked by her lover, whom she mentions as Sadiq Ali, an Islamic scholar and a Muslim League MP, she embraced Islam in 1999 at the age of 65 and assumed the name Kamala Surayya."

Ali was said to be much younger than her and yet he was willing to marry her on the condition of conversion. This was a known case of real "love jihad". At 65, she embraced Islam and chose to don the hijab, chucking her colourful designer wear.

The Brahminic lower caste Hindu women had been ostracised by society till the Cheraman Perumal royals converted to Islam in the early 6th century. The pre-and post-Adi Shankaracharya Hinduism had forced lower caste women to be in a semi-naked state. This in addition to the pubertal, menstrual and child birth seclusions inposed on them.

Women who embraced Islam either by marriage or through other ways were immediately liberated from their semi-nakedness and various forms of untouchabilities. Though those who embraced Islam in Kerala in particular and south India in general took to the ways of the locals, rights accorded to women in the Quran changed their status instantaneously. Till medieval times Muslims were granted Quranic rights without any compromise.

However, the Adi Shankara Adwaita school did not liberate the upper caste or the lower caste Hindu women from Manu's brutal laws, dogmatic superstitions and caste-bound practices.

As a child I was pained to see the myriad forms of untouchabilities that the lower caste women had to suffer in the erstwhile Nizam's territory — Telangana. By then though the women were allowed to wear the upper garment, called ravike (a form of blouse), they could not eat with male members of the family. They were not allowed to cover their ankles with their sari, or comb their hair every day, or talk to their husbands in the presence of other family members. These practices were apparently adopted from Turka Sanskruti.

In Kerala, the right to the wear upper garment was granted to non-Muslim women in the late 19th and early 20th century. In such a situation, going into a Muslim house appeared to be a big relief for young women who desired the freedom to cover their bodies. Loving Muslim men, therefore, was a true jihad.

Gradually the south Indian communities, across the caste spectrum, learnt from Islamic and Christianic ethic and improved the status of women – both within and outside the four walls of the house.

Studies show that a Muslim woman's status within her house in south India is far superior to that of her Hindu counterpart.

In North India, particularly in Uttar Pradesh and Bihar, the status of non-Muslim women is much worse than that of Muslim women. The ugly underdevelopment of these states is related to women's status, health, education and freedoms. In this situation "love" becomes a source of "jihad" against oppression.

As far as I know no Hindu organisation has launched a campaign to promote equality of gender or to abolish oppressive practices. If they, indeed, want to stop "love jihad", they should take up massive social reforms amongst all castes. The reforms should be spiritual, cultural, and include the dimension of man-woman relationship. We have not heard of a single Sangh leader talking about family or social reforms.

We cannot achieve "sabka vikas" without giving equal rights to women of all castes and religions and transforming cultural codes. In some castes women's oppression is in still in the primitive mode. In North India the condition of Jat and Yadav women is telling of their status in the family and society.

North India is still an unreformed den and the Sangh Parivarwalas want to push North Indian women into worse conditions. They have no agenda for social reform. The more they want the Indian women to be oppressed "Hindu naris" without rights, the more they will become "Muslim Begums" with rights. The real problem lies in equal rights and the modernisation of family. They need to realise this.

The writer is director, Centre for the Study of Social Exclusion and Inclusive Policy, Maulana Azad National Urdu University, Hyderabad

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5 Vastly Different Movies about Real Love You Can Stream Now

I am always up for a good romance, but I enjoy a more realistic portrayal of life and real love that somewhat mirrors my own experiences. So, while I don't want to watch all the nitty-gritty of the between-times, I do enjoy the hope that resolution inspires by giving perspective on someone else's life, someone else's trials, tribulations, romance, and real love. In films we are never stuck in the doldrums of taking out the garbage, pulling an all-nighter to get that paper in, or standing in line to get into a concert. Within two hours we experience lifetimes of trial and tribulation which completes and resolves before the curtain falls. That is the beauty of cinema.

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I prefer not to be told what's good; I like to decide for myself. I'll watch a trailer like the one's I've included below, but I'd rather not read the grandiose puffery splashed across book dust covers and squeezed onto the back of DVD cases. That's all promotional wizardry It's all promotional designed to get as many eye balls as possible to the screen. Many times I avoid seeing promos for my favorite shoes (Strange, considering what I do for a living) but I want to savor the rich delicacies of plot when it comes to me purely and all in one piece, whole and untainted by packaged directives about what I will see and like. But I also like to look deeper into what I watch. I like to see beyond the mere words; digest the silences, the eye contact, the raise of an eyebrow, the fall f a smile. I like to see what's there for me. And no one gets to say what that will be. 

These films, each one of them, had an impact on me.

The Reader

I chose The Reader because I like Kate Winslet and I love reading, so how could you go wrong? The prospect of incorporating reading into a relationship intrigued me. I had assumptions going into the film - the trailer suggests there's a libidinous relationship between and older woman and a much younger man - but the topic of the film is vastly different. It's about extremely difficult choices made several times throughout by both individuals in the couple. It's about tragedy and what's at the core of compassion. 

The Reader is available for free with Amazon Prime membership. 

The Stories We Tell

This is a documentary about how our lives are created and influenced by the memories we hold and stories we choose to tell ourselves and to share with others. The topic of the film is one woman's examination of those stories from the perspectives of all those involved, and her exploration into the veracity of a family myth about her true paternity. What I didn't expect to experience in The Stories We Tell was the reaction of the grown children to events in their deceased mother's life, or the intricate exploration of how that woman sought to find love and keep it.

The Stories We Tell is available on Amazon Prime and Netflix.

Summer in February

I enjoy just about anything British (their comedy could eat ours for breakfast) and I'm curious about whatever happened to Dan Stevens after his Downton Abby character, Matthew Crawley, was disappointingly dumped in a ditch as on the eve of Mary giving birth to their son. Oh, and I love anything involving British countryside estates and those delicious English accents. Summer in February has all of that and more, plus an emotional triangle with devastating consequences set in picturesque Cornwall, a peninsula bordered to the north and west by the Celtic Sea.

Summer in February is available on Amazon Prime. 

Home Run

Next I chose Home Run because I was ready for a little chick flick action and the actor on the cover is gorgeous and scruffy with amazing eyes, strong teeth and impressively prominent cheek bones and jaw line - everything I look for in an imaginary man I might want to climb watch fall in love. I expected a romance, but got a story of struggling love. The precise path Elrod struggles through toward some semblance of redemption drew me into the story a completely unexpected way. It touched my heart.

Home Run is available on Amazon Prime and Netflix. 

The Broken Circle Breakdown

The final film I watched, The Broken Circle Breakdown was my favorite of all five films. It has an extraordinary and highly unusual love relationship -- at least that's what I thought at first. The relationship is between a female tattoo artist and a banjo player with a big wooly beard. As I watched I realized these were two very real people with very realistic challenges. The story follows their love as it endures the joy of discovery and the pain of incredible loss. The ending is sad but complete and I loved it. I hope you do as well.

The Broken Circle Breakdown is available on Amazon Prime. 

There you have it friends. Five completely different movies about real love. I hope you get as much as I did out of them! All five titles can be found on Amazon Prime Instant Video. Don't have an account? Not to worry, you can sign up for a free trial right here. Your membership also includes free 2-day shipping on thousands of Prime products and access to free music and ebooks. 

(Image courtesy of Mirage Enterprises) 

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That ‘Bravo’ TV show about lobbyists? No reality here.

(Jeffrey MacMillan/For The Washington Post)

What happens when a reality TV show filming in Washington involves a heavy dose of fantasy?

Seems Washington is finding out — lobbyist Jack Burkman and his circle of pals have been seen around town being trailed by cameras, which they're telling people is for a Bravo show called "Wicked Politics," an upcoming series promising a peek into the world of lobbyists and "other politicos."

But here's a reality check: sources at Bravo tell us they've got nothing to do with the project.

"No, Bravo is not currently filming a political show based in D.C.," said a network source, who was not authorized to comment publicly on series that are currently in production.

When we first got word of the "Bravo show" being filmed, Lisa Spoden — a local consultant who identified herself as being part of the cast — at first returned our call and dished about the series, which she said centers on GOP lobbyist Burkman, who's a frequent cable-news talker and radio host, and his firm. Bravo, she said, had bought the first three episodes and planned to air them in late October or early November.

Which seemed odd — for a show that's airing so soon, the network has aired no promos, and those supposed cast members have been quiet on social media — very much unlike most publicity-seeking soon-to-be reality stars. There were a few other clues that the show might not be what it seemed.

As Spoden described it, "Wicked Politics" didn't sound like the kind of fare that typically goes into a Bravo reality-show stew (think love triangles and screaming matches). "We're on our computers, we're making telephone calls," Spoden said, describing the show's depiction of the office goings-on. "It's basically about Jack being really outspoken, and the rest of us balancing him out, with all of us arguing for our political beliefs."

And of the cast members Spoden identified as being part of Burkman and Associates — herself; Burkman; his wife, Susan; M. Reese Everson; and Ashton Randle — only Jack Burkman and Randle are registered lobbyists. Randle, whom Spoden described as a "part-timer" at the firm who serves as counsel, works in government relations for the American Psychological Association.

Everson who did a fellowship on Capitol Hill and is now an Illinois-based criminal defense attorney, according to her Web site, said she couldn't comment when we reached her by phone. Randle didn't return our calls.

Bravo cameras have been trained on the District in recent months, just not for "Wicked Politics." On Aug. 11, the network was at K Street watering hole P.J. Clarke's filming scenes for the reality show "Southern Charm," which returns next year. The network struck out with its only previous D.C.-centric offering: "The Real Housewives of DC" was cancelled in 2011 after one season of low ratings.

Still, the "Bravo" name was being thrown around as the Burkmans, Randle, and others made appearances, followed by a camera, at various charity and social events over the last month. One of their stops was P.J. Clarke's, where a friend of Spoden's was trying to gather other lobbyists for the "Bravo" cameras.

"Lisa Spoden, Ph.D is working with BRAVO network on a reality TV Series about  the Real life of Politicos called Wicked Politics," wrote Bonnie Ross, a government-contracts consultant, in an e-mail to friends, saying that she'd been asked to spread the word among people who might like to be filmed for the scene. "The segment is on real lobbyists and others involved in advocacy and policy development on Capital [sic] Hill.  They will be talking about the 2014 and 2016 elections and their impact on the economy, world struggles, and other current events.  They want to show you in action discussing things that matter."

In addition, Randle identified the camera as one of Bravo's in at least two instances, sources in contact with him said.

Cut to the backtracking. When we called to clear up the confusion, Burkman told us that yes, he's been working with a production crew (from "Hollywood," he claims, but he wouldn't say what company), but so far, there's no show — and no buyer. He's been working on the idea for a long time with his agent, he said.

Burkman is no stranger to controversy — he was dropped by at least one client after announcing he was drafting legislation to ban gays from the NFL — or to hype: he advertises his podcast as "the only talk show in the world hosted by a registered lobbyist" and promises that it offers an insiders' look at Washington "for the first time in the history of American media." After brushing off  our questions about the show, he asked that we not write about it, offering to give us "the scoop" when it finally aired.

As for the multiple references to Bravo?

"Rumors in Washington fly," he said.

Read more Reliable Source: 

The story behind that Behar and Boehner headlock picture

Party Diary: Opera with Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Zoe Saldana's fabulous weekend in Washington

Even more surreal estate, Party Diary and Love, etc: Sign up for The Reliable Source newsletter. And follow us on Facebook and Twitter.

Emily Heil is the co-author of the Reliable Source and previously helped pen the In the Loop column with Al Kamen.

Helena Andrews is the co-author of The Reliable Source. Follow her on Twitter @helena_andrews, and send your hot tips, sightings, and gossip to reliablesource@washpost.com.

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Celebrity couples and babies round-up: September

Celebrity couples and babies round-up: SeptemberThe month's biggest break-ups, make-ups, births and marriages2014-09-25T09:45:00falsetrueThe month's biggest break-ups, make-ups, births and marriagesThe Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are expecting another prince or princess, a sibling for one-year-old George.The announcement was made as Kate cancelled an official visit to Malta due to severe morning sickness. "The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news that Their Royal Highnesses are expecting their second child," a statement said.It's very early days, but there is already speculation that Kate's having twin girls! The royal baby (or babies) will arrive in April.Click through for the latest romance and baby news from the showbiz world...topDuke and Duchess of CambridgeChris Martin and Jennifer LawrenceAfter weeks of rumours, it's official: Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence are an item. She was photographed backstage at the iHeartRadio festival, above, where Coldplay were performing, and they've also been photographed flying back to Los Angeles on a private jet.topChris Martin and Jennifer LawrenceRyan Gosling and Eva MendesRyan Gosling and Eva Mendes welcomed a baby girl on September 12. The couple never publicly confirmed the pregnancy, but "Ryan is thrilled it's a little girl," a source told Us Weekly magazine.topRyan Gosling and Eva MendesRyan Gosling and Eva MendesScarlett Johansson and Romain Daur iac Scarlett Johansson and her French fiancé Romain Dauriac had a daughter, Rose Dorothy, at the start of September. The couple, who got engaged a year ago, spent much of the last few months in Paris, but the baby was born in New York.topScarlett Johansson Scarlett Johansson and Romain Dauriac Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger Reports suggest that Avril Lavigne and her husband, Nickelback frontman Chad Kroeger, are headed for a split just 14 months after they married. Avril has been photographed without her wedding ring, and a source told Us Weekly: "It's over. He has been going around LA and telling people that they're divorcing."topAvril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger Justin Bieber and Selena GomezJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez's reconciliation seems to have moved up a notch, with reports that Selena is set to move into her boyfriend's Los Angeles mansion. "Selena and Justin are a hundred percent together right now, he's asked her to move in with him and she couldn't be happier," a source said.topJustin Bieber and Selena Gomez< img src="http://db2.stb.s-msn.com/i/8F/FD4441462D6F8F40C9508F12FC90F4_h65_w65_m4.jpg" title="Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez(©Getty)" width="65" height="65" alt="Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez(©Getty)"/>

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