Emotions run high during the holidays. We talk about holiday stress, loneliness, and handling family issues. But what about your relationships with your mate, or a man you just started dating, your "acting out" 17-year-old son who lives with his mom, your estranged sister who's in trouble and now wants your help, your move with your husband to the city he grew up in, avoiding your brother because of your abusive sister-in-law, or your adult children who don't want you dating so soon. These are the present situations of many of my clients (names changed of course) this holiday season. The holidays don't cause these problems, but they do intensify the situations. Below are a few of their stories.
LINDA'S STORY:
I'm Overstressed & They're Ungrateful: Linda and her husband have been in marriage counseling for a few months, and things were starting to improve. Then with the holidays, they began canceling all their appointments. Linda was baking cookies, buying presents, sending cards, and even took on a 3-night benefit. It wasn't until she was back in my office after 2 months off that she realized she had regressed into her "overgiving and resenting" behavior. She isn't close to her sister, but got a call that she better check on her and found her in an overdosed state and rushed her to the hospital, paying for everything since her sister had no insurance. She called her husband to come and help her and he said he was busy playing poker. After Linda's boyfriend arrived at the hospital at 3am, Linda felt she could finally go home. Then the police called at 4am telling Linda that her sister had checked herself out against doctor's orders and that they were headed over there to arrest her. Needless to say, she got no sleep that night. Later, her sister called and yelled t her for interfering in her life! That was ungrateful #1. That morning Linda had a doctor's appointment for her daughter who had found a lump in her breast, and of course kept the appointment. Then her daughter wanted to go be with her friends instead of helping her get some chores and errands done. That was ungrateful #2. Her husband called after that appointment, and instead of asking how the appointment went, said, "We need to talk." They met for lunch Quiznos and he confronted her about some issues in their marriage. All she could say is, "Not now." Especially since she had had no sleep at all, and his office party was that night. Her husband owns the business and Linda had singlehandedly set the entire party up "Martha Stewart style." She so didn't want to even go, especially when he yelled at her right before they left because he couldn't find something he was looking for. That was ungrateful # 3. The next morning, her husband disappoints her by informing her that he won't be able to make it to her benefit that night. Not only did she need him to take the gifts in his SUV that she had gathered for the event, but of course she also wanted to have her husband by her side. That was ungrateful #4. Linda feels used and abused and can't understand why nobody seems to care about her: the fact that she walked out of that hospital at 3am alone with no one concerned, the fact that she had no sleep before going to the party, the fact it should be obvious to everyone that she is ready to collapse!
My advice:
As if it wasn't obvious, I told Linda that she was doing way too much and that when you keep taking on more and more, people just accept your overgiving and don't think about you. Linda doesn't show that anything bothers her - and never says no. I told her that she had regressed into letting her husband treat her badly again without setting boundaries with him. She was back to playing "the good little wife" perfectly. I reminded her that people will do to you whatever you let them get away with. I told her to stop and nurture herself, and she told me of the 10 more things she had to do first, including go to a client party with her husband that evening. I suggested she "bow out" of it the way he had "bowed out" of her benefit and that she use that time to "veg" in front of the TV. "If I stay home, I should bake cookies with my daughter instead, she replied. I reminded her that she never says to anyone, "NO, I can't/won't do anymore and am taking a break." It's her job to say enoug h is enough, not theirs. Her daughter will for sure understand. And she just needs to tell her husband that she has a right to cancel on him if he has the right to cancel on her.
Linda also needs to confront her husband and let him know how she feels. Since it's the holidays, she keeps telling me that she can't yet because this or that event will get ruined. The problem is that she is building a huge case against him, and he doesn't have a clue. Sure, he has been a jerk, and she's feeling pretty sure that she wants to divorce him at this point. BUT, for her to be healthy, she needs to speak up and not hold it in, whether she stays with him or not. Besides, people will get worse in the way they treat you when you don't tell them to stop!
What she did:
She promised to skip her husband's party, and to go have a drink with a friend instead, and decided to take a girlfriend up to the mountains for a weekend ski trip and relax. AND she scheduled an appointment for next week. She also agreed to write down a list of all the issues and confront her husband this week. I'm not sure she really will until after the holidays however.
MARY'S STORY:
I Refuse to Spend Time with Her! My client Mary was in turmoil about the holidays and the way her brother's wife treats her. She makes rude comments to her when Mary is in her home, and her "older and somewhat controlling" brother just says to get over it because his wife doesn't mean it. She doesn't want to lose her relationship with him, but is not willing to take anymore abuse from her. What to do.
My advice:
Of course, I told her to tell the truth, "I'm not coming to your house for Christmas because of the way she treats me!" Then she should tell him that she still wants a relationship with him, but it will have to be outside of his house and without her. And if he refuses to do that, she will have to let him go, at least for awhile until he believes she is serious.
What she did:
She called and excused herself from Christmas without telling him the real reason why, but made plans with him to meet for a drink after the holidays and tell him then, even though she knows it will make him really angry.
JANE & MARGIE'S ISSUE:
I Wish My Mother Would Get a Life! Though Jane & Margie don't know each other, they are both single and both have mothers that are needy and guilt-trip them when they aren't constantly attentive. They ask me, "How much of my time does my mother deserve? And do I need to feel guilty when I would rather go on a date than see her? And I'm an adult, do I really have to keep reporting in to her?"
My advice:
No, you do not owe your mother to report in to her or spend large amounts of time with her. What you do owe her is: letting her know what she can expect. Try telling her, "I can come over next Saturday from noon til 3, so let's decide what we'll do during that time." Make it clear that you won't see her until then, and that you will call her Friday to confirm (which says, don't keep calling me in between). It's no different than dealing with a needy man or woman in that you first try indirect boundaries, and if that doesn't work, you have to be very clear, i.e. "I can see you once a week (or once every other week, or whatever)," then stick to it. If she keeps calling, tell her which day in a week you have time to talk and talk to her then, but at other times, tell her, "I can't talk right now, so unless it's something urgent, I'll talk to you Friday like we always do."
What they did:
They both followed my advice and said that it worked beautifully. And guess what, they both stopped feeling resentful toward their mothers. Besides, maybe their moms will have to "get lives!" now.
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