7 Tips To Ace The 'Relationship Talk'

The dreaded, difficult "relationship talk." By now, we've all had them, and they're still hard to navigate. Whether they're about money, sex or family issues, these talks make problems at the office look like a walk in the park.

The problem is eating you alive and you obsess about it everywhere -- in the shower, in the car, at work. Even songs on the radio sound as if they're about you.

Just last week, my friend Eleanor had "the big talk" with the man she'd been dating for four years. She told me, "I thought I wouldn't be doing this at 61. My dream of a relationship with him is just simply over.

"When I got in the car and heard that old Carole King song, 'It's too late baby, now it's too late, though we really did try to make it,' I sobbed like a baby."

Your talk may not be about breaking up, as my friend's was. But you know in your gut when it's time for the talk. You can no longer pretend that it will disappear by itself.

Here are two pieces of good news: First, there is a technique for the talk. Second, you're not alone. You're one of millions who've faced that wrenching anxiety and who've made it to the other side intact, relieved and better able to move on.

From all my years as a specialist in sexuality, relationships and focusing on divorce, these are my seven top tips for preparing for "The Tough Talk."

1. Give your partner a heads-up that you would like to carve out time for a serious talk. The four words men hate most are We Need To Talk. If a woman says that to a guy, he dreads it, and he may balk, but the conversation needs to happen.

Just the oppos ite is true for most women. When a guy says that to a woman, she may be anxious, but she is likely to welcome the opportunity for discussion. Recognize that you're coming from completely different corners.

2. Create three talking points (and only three!) and memorize them. Be able to make each point in one sentence. If you say nothing else, these are the points you need to make. Now you have a skeleton outline to help you return to the issues at hand if you get sidetracked.

3. Be concise. We tend to say too much. Say it once. Let silence happen while your partner processes your points.

4. Don't be in it to win it. Be in it to discover how your partner sees it. In fact, ask, "How do you see it?" This attitude shift is critical. It's not a fight. It's a discussion.

5. Stay in the present! Do not bring up past transgressions no matter how tempting it is to zap him with old atrocities. That's hitting below the belt. Defensiveness and anger will follow, and your talk will dissolve into an argument no one can win.

6. After you've covered your three talking points, ask, "Where do we go from here?" Be prepared with your own suggestions, but listen to your partner's ideas, too. He or she may suggest alternatives that never crossed your mind.

7. If you're reduced to shouting, be confident enough to end the discussion. Suggest you both think about what happened and set a time to talk within three days when both of you have calmed down.

Following these seven rules make it fair to everyone with the added plus of controlling runaway emotions. If it doesn't go like clockwork, don't beat yourself up. You did your best.

They won't eliminate all the angst, but once you've said your truth, you'll notice a lightness where there used to be a hard knot. John Mayer said it so well in "Say What You Need To Say."

So go ahead. Be brave. Do it before you lose your mind. No more excuses. Do it now.

If you have a tough talk coming up or if you need help concerning your own personal challenges, contact me personally.

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Kat goes international! Her book, Exhale Midlife Body Blues, was featured in the Irish Examiner.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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• "Medications that are prescribed for stroke issues and heart issues can have devastating effects on sexual functioning," explains Dr. Janice Epp of the Institute of Advanced Study of Human Sexuality. In addition, researchers have found that a family of antidepressants known as selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRI) can take the winds right out of your sails. These drugs include brand names such as Prozac, Zoloft and Paxil.

• Don't be shy -- talk to your doctor about how your prescriptions are affecting your sex drive. "There are a whole lot of new drugs that don't necessarily have those side effects, but it takes a lot of experimenting," says Dr. Epp. "Sometimes it takes three to four different tries to find the one that's best for you."

• "People of both sexes can develop pain disorders as they get older, and that can have a big effect on sexuality," notes Patty Brisben, founder and chairwoman of Pure Romance, a company that specializes in selling sex toys and providing information on women's sexual health issues.

• Brisben suggests re-evaluating your definition of sex. "Being intimate does not necessarily mean having sex in the traditional sense," she says. Some solutions sensual touching and massages and mutual masturbation. Dr. Epp suggests looking into new positions. "Sit on a chair, try being in different positions," she says. "Side by side actually puts the least amount of stress on your joints."

• The National Sleep Foundation recommends getting seven to eight hours of shut eye a night. But with the stress of work, kids, bills and, oh yeah, your marriage, who can think about fitting in time to have sex, much less sleep?

• For some couples the days of random romps may be behind them, and that's alright, says Dr. Epp. "Plan some sex dates around times that you know you feel more energetic -- it lets you look forward to it," she says. "Some people say, 'Sex should be spontaneous!' to which I say bullsh*t," she says, laughing. "You plan other things in your life and you don't complain about it. You can do the same with sex."

• Waning libido and vaginal dryness are two unpleasant side effects of menopause. With increased longevity, "women can now expect to spend a third of their lives in post-menopausal years," Brisben said. "So understanding how you're being affected by those changing hormones is essential."

• A dip in estrogen may lead to thinning vaginal walls and itchiness in the area. According to the Mayo Clinic, treatments can include vaginal estrogen creams such as Estrace and Premarin; a flexible estrogen ring that is inserted; or estrogen pills, patches or gels.

• "I think if you're just now embracing this subject at or around age 50, you've got some catching up to do!" Brisben tells Huff/Post50. But it's never too late to start having a frank and honest conversation with your partner about what you want in bed.

• "I recommend having these conversations out of the bedroom and when you have some alone time," Brisben says. "Be open, be receptive and be ready to listen." Don't be afraid to bring some playfulness to the discussion. "Shop online for intimacy products together," Brisben suggests. Or write your partner a letter: "Tell them what you'd like to introduce into your intimate relationship." Another tact: Read sexy books together and share what interests you and what doesn't. "If you find these conversations are still hard to have ... a sex therapist or counselor is trained to help," Brisben adds.

• It's the one part of aging and sexuality that gets the most attention: erectile dysfunction, which is often rooted in some larger physical problem, including heart disease, high blood pressure, diabetes and obesity, according to the Mayo Clinic. Medications and drug and alcohol use can also play a role.

• Ubiquitous ads promote the popular little blue pill to cure impotence, but there are other treatments as well, including vacuum pumps, implants and surgery, according to the Mayo Clinic.

• According to the movies or steamy prime time television shows, passion goes from 0 to 69 with a mere glance, a bitten lip or a bad pun. But "as we age, our bodies slow down and we have less energy," Dr. Epp tells Huff/Post50. "That's naturally occurring, but it can have an affect on our sexuality."

• Rethink the connection between arousal and desire. Tell your partner if you need more than the average 20 minutes spent on foreplay.

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