You know how it goes with reality TV stars — we all complain about them because they're just famous for being famous and they don't even DO anything, so they set out to prove us wrong by launching a music career, which kinda serves us right, really. Check out the … interesting musical stylings of our favorite spoiled socialites.
Carrington Walsh
I don't have much to say about Farrah Abraham's "Blowin," but I have many questions. Such as, who let Farrah Abraham write her own lyrics? What is even happening in this video? What does this song sound like without auto tune? Actually, I don't want the answer to that question.
Evan DeSimone
You have to admire Andy Cohen, the genius/ancient trickster demon behind Bravo's Real Housewives reality franchise. By convincing over-leveraged harridans in upscale ZIP codes to debase themselves on national television he's managed to monetize one of our nation's last great renewable resources, horrible people. If you need further proof that Cohen is, in fact, Loki the Norse God of Mischief, you need look no further than the slew of one-off dance pop singles that spews forth from the franchise on the regular. None of these women are professional or even amateur singers, but somehow, perhaps as the result of some powerful Rumplestiltskin like curse, each of those 40+ fauxcialites feels compelled to release a track destined for "da club."
Every Real Housewife single is a perfect treatise on the various personality disorders caused by reality TV fame, but we're pressed for time on a Monday afternoon and so I had to pick one. Naturally went with my favorite Real Housewife, the only one I haven't blocked and muted on Twitter, "The Countess" Luann De Lesseps. I like the Countess primarily because she never raises her voice and screams like a maniac, and because despite being an adult woman who refers to herself as "The Countess" she seems more self-aware than the average Real Housewife. The screaming thing is important because Luann never raises her voice, he speaking tone never varies even when she is "singing." As is the case on "Chic C'est La Vie" her second musical essay on the burdens of class, sophistication, and poolside drinking.
Come for the weird autotuned talk-singing, stay for the fantastic video which features some stellar dancing esque body movements from Luann's Real Housewives castmates Jill Zarin and Kelly Bensimon. The ladies sit by a pool, strut through a hotel lobby, and even ride in the back seat of a limo all while vaguely dance-bopping with all the enthusiasm of your mom on a long road trip. I don't want to imply that The Countess doesn't do her share of the work. When it comes time to rhyme the world "class" with "elegance" Luann really gives it her all. The video is all about style and sophistication so naturally it's set in, and sponsored by, the Borgota Hotel and Casino in that bastion of elegant cosmopolitan sophistication, Atlantic City, New Jersey.
Rachel Kiley
A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila was probably the best dating show to ever exist (besides Are You the One?, which basically has no discernible rules and is all around phenomenal). I had no idea who Tila Tequila was before I started watching that show, and even now, I have a really hard time describing her in one sentence. It's almost better that way. But regardless, I knew one set of words possible to describe her was "someone who has music videos," and therefore I had to choose one of them for today's theme.
Now, choosing which one was difficult, especially when you have romantic classics such as "I Love U" ("You never thought that a bitch like me would fuck you up if you cannot please") and songs with the lyrical brilliance found in "Walking On Thin Ice" ("La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la. La la la la la la la la da dahh / la dah ah ah asfdlsaldsfhk ooh ooh!").
But ultimately, I had to go with the Tila Tequila hit, "Stripper Friends." It's indisputably the go-to song if you want to encourage someone to make questionable life choices based on the idea that "Doesn't matter what you need to get you through your day, if you buy it or just sell it or just give it away; it's the same at the end of the day." (No, Tila, actually, all choices do not lead to the same conclusion.) I'm also super curious about the chorus, in which she talks about "all [her] stripper friends, all [her] ex-boyfriends," as if those are the only two groups of people in her life and they have the whole world in common, or at least enough to be grouped together in this song.
Anyway, just watch it for yourself. And then browse the rest of Tila's channel if you want to fall into one of the biggest holes of crazy that probably exists on YouTube. Ah, man. Now THIS is what YouTube was made for.
Jeff Klima
In terms of Music Mondays, this might be the most hellish topic ever. I certainly don't want to write about reality TV stars and their failed attempts at music careers and I'm hoping that you don't want to read about them. But here we are, so I figured I'd present for your discomfort: Heidi Montag's video for "Blackout." I was considering writing up Farrah Abraham's "Blowin'" but, incredibly, that vid has 10x as many views as Heidi's effort. To be fair, Farrah made a full-on porno while Heidi didn't even show her boobs in a Playboy piece, so it's not hard to see who would be more popular in this arena.
I don't even know what Heidi does now. Is she working? Is she alive? No clue. To be fair, I didn't even make it all the way through this 3 minute plus video. If you do, I might say you're a better person than me, but then I'd be lying. Enjoy!
Christine Linnell
One of us had to write about Paris Hilton for this assignment, so I guess it falls to me. "Stars are Blind" is … not the worst music video I've ever seen, all things considered. Mostly harmless scenes of Paris on a beach having a fling with her photographer. First I couldn't shake the feeling that "Visit Beautiful Fiji!" or an ad for pre-mixed alcoholic beverages was going to flash across the screen, and then it started to look a little bit like porn, and then Paris … stole the guy's car? Kinda rude, Paris. But I watched the whole thing and I didn't hate myself afterward, and for reality star music videos that's saying a lot. Good job!
Know any other reality TV stars who should end their music careers — or any who can actually sing and put all our snark to shame? Let us know in the comments!
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