Many of our guest columnists have come from distant parts of the country. It's nice to know you don't always have to travel very far from home to find someone who has wisdom and knowledge about healthy marriages and relationships. My friend, Mike Hattabaugh, is just such a person. Please don't tell him this, for fear of him getting a big ego, but today's column is the fourth he has written for us, plus I cited him in two others. He also holds the record for most frequent guest on TWOgether as ONE, my weekly radio program on KLJH 107.1FM. As you can likely guess, he will be my guest tomorrow evening at 6. But, for now, here are Mike's thoughts on making 2015 a standout year in your marriage.
Five steps to improve your relationship
A new year is always a great time to reflect on the past and make plans for the future. What plans do you have to make 2015 a great year for your relationship/marriage? It's not as hard as you might think.
First, set aside some time to think about what are your relationship needs. Time? Energy? Focus? Trust? Your answer will drive the focus on things you should do in the coming year. If you don't know what your relationship needs are, why don't you? More than likely it is because you haven't spent enough time evaluating them. Relationships are more likely to end from apathy than anything else. Deciding to care is 90% of relationship improvement.
Now that you have an answer, ask your partner if they agree. If so, great! If not, do you agree with them? Discussing your differences will help you overcome barriers. If you can come to an agreement, you have something to work on together. If not, it's OK! Don't fight over what you want to work on, instead just choose something that you can work on yourself, and continue to look for something you can agree to work on together.
Once you have something to work on, it's time to develop a plan. Do you want to work on something daily, weekly or monthly? Choose a realistic timeframe for your relationship. Make sure your plan is tangible, realistic and will definitely impact the part of your relationship you want to improve. This is a very important step that we often don't spend enough time on. Studies show that we tend to reach goals for which we have written out a plan. Make sure you write out this plan! Commit to it. Make sure you keep it in a place that will remind you to stay on track.
Third, brainstorm a list of all the things you can do to bring your plan to completion. For example, one of the best things you can do to improve your relationship is spend dedicated time with each other. If your job, children, or other commitments have kept you from connecting, maybe you need to determine a set time each week to spend with your partner. I have made "appointments" with my wife in my calendar at work to make sure I had time to invest with her.
Your priorities are always revealed in your willingness to spend time with the people you love. Make a commitment now to honor this time whether it's daily, weekly or monthly, and then stick to it if at all possible. Don't be upset if their schedule conflicts with your time. If this is really about your relationship then it won't be about you. Don't try to control the other person, just reschedule and adapt.
Fourth, carry out your plan. My wife and I plan vacations sometimes years in advance. We often have as much fun planning a vacation as we do actually taking it. We value each other's time and look forward to the special events we will share with each other on our trip. Your events may be as simple as a movie on the couch or even washing dishes together. The plan doesn't have to be big or expensive, just focused on your relationship needs. One of the most positive changes I've ever made in our marriage is making the bed every day. It's only five minutes, but to my wife it says I care about what she cares about.
Last, continually evaluate what you are doing. Is it working? Great! If not, why not? Don't be afraid to make adjustments. Because this is an area you have deemed in need of attention, it is likely to be sensitive. All plans need adjustments at times. Don't take setbacks personally, but instead recognize you've learned something else about your mate and your relationship.
I think you'll find this five-step plan a simple yet effective method for improving the quality of your relationship. It is amazing how a small, focused effort can lead to a lifetime of improvement. I hope at the end of your plan you can see the positive impact it has had and will be inspired to plan even bigger the next time!
If you have any comments, questions, or you would like to attend an upcoming relationships event, you can reach me at mike@Prorelationships.com. I hope 2015 gives you an opportunity to grow a deeper appreciation for the person you chose, and more importantly the person who chose you to spend his or her life with!
Hear more from Mike Hattabaugh
It's me again and somehow I have a hunch we have not heard the last from Hattabaugh — at least I certainly hope we haven't. I encourage you to take him up on his offer to connect with him via mike@prorelationships.com with any specific marriage/relationship/communication concerns or questions you might have. Your marriage is important enough to your overall sense of happiness and contentment in life that you really should put aside your pride, or anything else that might keep you from seeking help, to have the marriage you want and deserve.
Mike and I will be discussing more helpful information about marriage tomorrow on TWOgether as ONE. I hope you can join us then.
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