How to Not Screw Up Your Relationship During Mercury Retrograde

Photo: Everett Collection

Curses! It's Mercury retrograde time again. This October 4-25, the messenger planet shifts into reverse, bringing its usual spate of communication meltdowns and epic misunderstandings. Getting through this dodgy, three-week phase with relationships intact (or as free from damage as possible) will take a concentrated effort. From October 4-10, Mercury backstrokes through Scorpio's suspicious seas, then inches back into Libra until the 25th, the sign that governs committed relationships. Worst-case scenario? Jealousy, subterfuge, and power struggles could be followed by a passive-aggressive cold war. But this doesn't have to be the case. Follow these guidelines and you won't step into the steel jaws of Mercury retrograde's trap:

Don't Try to Be "Just Friends" With an Ex

Mercury retrogrades are famous for dredging up the past. All things "re" are highlighted, which can make us long to reconnect, reunite, and rekindle. Exes just seem to show up, sending friend requests or random texts out of the blue. The trouble is, hindsight is at about 20/80 when Mercury is in reverse.

"Ya know, it's been three years since Ian broke up with me," you rationalize. "I'm SURE the two of us can be mature adults and form a friendship now." Maybe, you even think, this little tête-à-tête with the ex will clear the way for you to become closer to your NEW partner. Guess again. Getting closure during Mercury retrograde is as easy as solving the mystery of Marilyn Monroe's death. If the innocent coffee date doesn't dredge up painful memories of your split, it could launch an obsessive spiral. Heck, you might even wind up ripping each other's clothes off and drowning in regret. The point is, you just can't count on common sense to rule the day while mental Mercury is in reverse. Even if the reunion goes swimmingly, reserve judgment for a few weeks. When Mercury corrects its course, the old flames that reappeared could be snuffed like an Olympic torch at closing ceremony.

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Clear Your Browsing History

With reflective Mercury retrograde in the mix, even the most staunchly monogamous among us will have the devil on our shoulders. Thoughts creep in; they just do. "I wonder whatever happened to Weeping William, the morose mama's boy, or Sidecar Skylar, who put the 'fun' in functional alcoholic?" Sating your morbid curiosity about the losers of wild nights past is pretty hard to resist. But if you don't want to be interrogated about why you Googled, Instagram-stalked, and Facebook searched this person, clear your browsing history! Information has a way of getting into the wrong hands during these cosmic spells. No, we're not suggesting you sneak around: Transparency is a pillar of healthy relationships. Heck, you might even fess up, hat in hand, to the tune of, "I can't believe I did this, but I looked up my awful college ex on Twitter today." It's always better to deliver a guilty admission than to be caught with your hand in the cookie jar. Jus t remember: This goes both ways. Don't freak out if you see an ex-girlfriend's name in your partner's browsing history. Calmly confront: Innocent until proven guilty! You might have a good laugh about it together.

Don't Triangulate

Typical Mercury retrograde scenario: Your partner is skulking around your apartment like a dystopian dickweed, one hand in a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos, the other permanently appended to an Xbox control. On several occasions he's mused aloud about quitting his six-figure job to go surfing in Nicaragua for three months and "see what happens from there." Pushing the panic button—the one that leads to his mother's cell phone or his best friend's direct line—would be fully understandable. But don't triangulate, we beg of you. A third party intervention is probably NOT necessary here. (Mercury retrograde makes us say things we don't mean, okay?) But when your sweetie finds out you made that call—and they always find out—he'll feel like you've been conspiring against him. Major damage! Unless you want to convert your next paycheck to cordobas and chase him into the break, ask him to tell you more about this Nicaraguan fantasy. Maybe all he needs i s a one-week vacation, with you, naturally. Bottom line: Mercury retrograde CAN make one prone to exaggeration, so get the facts before you react.

Save The Sexting Until November

So you decided to surprise your sweetie with a boudoir photo shoot. Or, you became totally titillated by your reflection in the Agent Provocateur fitting room mirror and snapped a sultry selfie. Should you MMS the evidence? Dear god, no. Information—especially the digital kind—has a way of getting into the wrong hands during Mercury retrograde spells. Worse, the picture might take a few hours or days to get there with theses cosmic delays in effect. When the snapshot finally pops up, your honey's phone could be resting on the table during a business lunch, revealing your naughty bits to a client or team of colleagues. Worse, the message could get lost in the retrograde ether altogether, leaving you obsessing about the lack of response and if you went too far by sending the photo, and on and on. To prevent these technical meltdowns, it's better to do a live presentation until Mercury turns direct.

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Stay Off of Tinder/Plenty of Fish/OkCupid If You've Found a Good Catch

It's your fifth date with Ms. or Mr. Wonderful and so far—miracles!—there have been no fatal flaws, your makeout sesh was ah-mazing, and you both seem genuinely interested in finding out more about each other's lives. But then, that little voice of doubt creeps in. "Maybe I should do some defensive dating." Or you hear Patti Stanger's shrill voice instructing you to have "TWO PAIRS AND A SPARE!" So you log back into your dormant profile and do a little right-swiping for "insurance purposes." Busted! If your amorous interest doesn't catch you in the act, a mutual friend might. And hey, maybe you're not quite ready to bestow the "happily ever after" label on this one. Again, be transparent: Have a talk about dating other people and how you both weigh in on the matter. Don't pretend you're into shopping around if you'd rather be exclusive. We're not saying you should start picking out wedding china yet. But doubt is the enemy of co mmitment. And it has an interesting way of being telegraphed to the object of your affections when you let it take hold of your own mind.

Reassure, Regularly

On the subject of doubt, you can never quite reassure your sweetie enough when Mercury's spinning out. You might be in a room full of Tom Ford models but don't (we repeat, don't) rubberneck or prattle on about how hot they are. Even if two weeks ago your partner was game to scope out eye candy with you, insecurities are running at a fever pitch now. If you're feeling bereft of adequate compliments yourself, don't play games to get the attention you crave. Our friends Adam and Leah's three-year-old daughter Luca illustrated the best approach we've seen yet. During a recent dinner party, the pint-sized Aries marched up to Leah and stated, "Mommy, I want some attention." There were no tears or pleading from Luca, just a calm, confident, and utterly endearing request. We suggest this wisdom "from the mouths of babes" should you feel ignored or neglected during Mercury retrograde. It just might be the easiest way to scratch an itch yet.

Be Sexually Sentient

Let's face it, with Mercury retrograde crossing wires and creating communication breakdowns left and right, you'll have to read between the lines a lot more than usual. Mojo can wane during Mercury retro and it's usually because of blocked expression and unspoken resentment. Just because your sweetie is giving you the, "It's not you, it's me" song and dance, doesn't mean you can't be part of the solution. Dig, prod, and push a little until you find out what's REALLY up. Maybe you said something insensitive two nights ago or have been a little too pushy about a certain desire. Maybe your partner needs a little more space but is afraid of hurting your feelings by asking for it. Addressing conflict can clear the air, freeing you up to enjoy your bedroom play once again.

Take a Nostalgic Voyage

If you can't stop butting heads or blowing up over who unloaded the dishwasher last, a change of scenery can do wonders. Choosing the right location is a must though. Since Mercury retrograde can cause snafus with scheduling and traffic slowdowns, don't go anywhere that requires rushing or a tightly planned itinerary. In fact, retrogrades are a fine time to revisit a place that holds special meaning for the two of you. Book the B&B where you got engaged, visit the city where you took your first "we're falling in love" vacation together, or take a road trip to see a band play that you both loved in college.

Remember, You're Riding A Rollercoaster

What goes up, must come down—but that's part of being in a "real" relationship. Mercury retrograde times can feel like a curse, but they aren't necessarily. Sweeping issues under the rug can make a couple comfortably numb. And this is reason to be thankful for backspinning Mercury blowing the lid off our brewing angst. With a little more honesty, transparency, and major diplomacy, our urge to merge will only grow stronger when Mercury is back on track.