I feel like I have really become a bad person. Although I have been in a committed relationship for many years, during that time I've had intense, short relationships with other men - who treat me better than my boyfriend. I've broken these other men's hearts, because I always choose my boyfriend over them.
Just writing to you has given me the solution. I should just leave him and when I get a good man who treats me well, then I will be the good girl I was.
The importance of storytelling
Here's something most people don't know about problem pages. Many of the letters myself and other Agony Aunts receive begin with a question. But, like yours, end with a solution. The reader doesn't need an answer from me, what they need is a safe place to write down how they are feeling - and in doing so find their own fixes.
Other people never send in their questions at all, but use diaries, letters to themselves, or drawing, to the same effect.
I'm still going to answer your question, as your situation is not unusual and other people reading may currently be wondering how to change a relationship they're unhappy with.
You're completely right to end your unhappy relationship and to look forward to meeting someone who'll treat you well.
I did wonder about your statement "then I will be the good girl I was". You found yourself in a long-term relationship that was (from what you've told me in your longer letter) controlling and potentially abusive. Within that framework you made what you consider to be poor decisions. But you recognise this and want to change things in the future.
Why you are blaming yourself, viewing what you did as 'bad'? Can you think of ways to think about yourself more positively? Can you do this for yourself rather than assuming a relationship with another, 'better', partner will transform you into a 'good girl'?
Reclaiming your confidence
For people like you who are leaving an unhappy relationship, or those who are still in one, thinking about confidence and wellbeing can be empowering and help you address your situation clearly and assertively.
You might try this through:
- Doing things you enjoy that occupy your time – hobbies, activities, volunteering, or spending time with friends or family. This can distract you from thoughts of your ex and keep you from going back to a relationship that's bad for you.
- Focusing on self care, ensuring you rest, eat well, exercise, relax and do things that bring you pleasure (e.g. reading, listening to music, watching films, walks, journaling, baking). Further ideas here.
- Confidence and assertiveness classes. Try your library or adult education courses for details, or read books such as Gary Wood's Confidence Karma.
- Counselling. Your GP may be able to refer you, but services are increasingly being cut back in the UK with long waiting lists, so you may want to see if local mental health charities can assist or refer yourself (paid). If the relationship is causing you distress to the point it is making you anxious or depressed or interfering with your ability to enjoy your life then speak to your doctor
Resetting your relationship radar
You identified several issues in your relationship that were signs you should leave. Although painful, it may help to look back over your relationship and note if there were other warning signs or 'red flags'.
If you're a reader in a relationship that is causing you concern, then noting problems in a list or diary could be useful. If you find this difficult imagine you were someone observing your relationship – what things might you notice as an outsider?
Like many people in difficult relationships you stayed for many years even though you were unhappy. You may want to think about why this was. Were you afraid of your partner? Scared of being alone? Were you caught up in the drama of the situation? Did you feel the need to stay and prove yourself? Was guilt over cheating keeping you stuck?
Alongside this, think about the men you were seeing while in the relationship. You mentioned they treated you well. Can you list the characteristics and behaviours they had that differed from your long-term partner? This may help you identify what to look for in a positive future partner/relationship and to note what purpose these men were fulfilling. A means of escape from an unhappy relationship? The chance to get back at your long-term partner? A means of feeling more in control? A confidence boost?
If your relationship was violent or abusive you may get help from the Freedom Programme.
Rather than looking for a new relationship right away it may be more appropriate to focus on your own needs, confidence and recovery (see above) and be single for a while.
This can help you identify what you want, and make it less likely you'll switch from a truly awful relationship to a slightly less grim one because you're still not fully aware of what a happy and equal relationship looks like.
It can also show to you that if you are in a relationship that is not working for you, that you can walk away rather than having flings with other people that won't help you feel better but could make a confusing situation feel even more complicated.
You didn't really need my advice, but I appreciate your willingness to share your story with others who I think will benefit from hearing you were able to solve things and discover what they can do to help themselves.
Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph's agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.
Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to:agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk
Petra cannot print answers to every single question submitted, but she does read all your emails. Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women.
All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity. Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.
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