Published Oct 13, 2014 at 8:00 am (Updated Oct 13, 2014 at 1:07 am)
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If anyone knows of the challenges involved in love and romantic relationships it's motivational speaker Tony Gaskins Jr.
As the son of a former pastor, Mr Gaskins Jr grew up in a loving home in Central Florida. However while attending college under a full football scholarship, he found himself distracted by the lure of beautiful women and fast cash from selling drugs.
He eventually met the woman who would later become his wife, but he still had to reach rock bottom — with the threat of losing nearly everything — before he fully came to realise what he had and chose to surrender his life over to God.
These days, Mr Gaskins Jr is considered one of the most sought-after speakers in the United States.
He's appeared on talk shows with Oprah Winfrey and Tyra Banks; served as a life coach and love guru to the stars; and written several best-selling books like Mrs Right and Single is not a Curse.
Next month, Mr Gaskins will be paying a visit to these shores to share his advice on love and relationships with the local public.
And in lead up to the event he has even given The Royal Gazette a few pearls of relationship wisdom to tide us over until then.
*'The Real Love Tour', hosted by the VIP Group, will hit the Earl Cameron Theatre, City Hall, on Monday, November 10.
Tickets are available at www.bdatix.bm, as well as Secrets, Orchid Nail Spa, Fabulous Fashions at the Heron Bay Plaza and Pulp & Circumstance in the Washington Mall.
Question: You're coming to Bermuda for the Real Love Tour. What does the term 'real love' mean to you? How does your faith in God play a role in this definition of love?
Answer: Real love, to me, means that Jesus took all the pain in love when He died on the cross and that I'm supposed to love my wife the way he loves the church. Ephesians 5 is what I base my relationship love on. Many think that love is full of pain and tears. I've found out that real love isn't pain at all.
How did it come about for you to learn what real and genuine love was all about?
I learned the hard way! I made every mistake a person can make in love, but my insecurities and lack of knowledge of real love almost ruined my family. I was 23 years old when I got married. Two months into my marriage I went back to the street-life for about a week and my wife left me for a few days. It broke me down and I knew I had to learn how to be a real man. I had to learn how to love as well. I started speaking with my father daily. I stopped listening to rap music and replaced it with legendary speakers like Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, CS Lewis and so on. I also started reading two chapters of my bible every day. That combination of knowledge renewed my mind and spirit and I became a new man. After seeing the light and finding out the truth about life and love, I had to share it.
I read in your bio that for many years you juggled women, until meeting the one that would become your wife. What about her was different from other women? How did she help to change or better your life?
My wife respects herself. She wouldn't put up with any of the things that other women put up with in my past. Cheating was out of the question and I could never raise my voice to argue with her because she'd stop me and walk off. I couldn't come home late. I couldn't lie and get away with it. I couldn't be intimate with her [just because] I was ready to, she made me wait until she was ready. I couldn't impose my will or manipulate her like [I did with] every other woman I'd met. She just refused to settle and that made me step-up as a man and grow into the man who [deserved to] have her heart.
What, if anything, do you hope people learn from this seminar next month?
I want people to learn how to truly love and respect themselves and then demand that same love and respect from others. I want people to learn the make-up of a healthy relationship and how to cultivate that type of love in their own lives.
How has the 'Real Love Tour' been going so far? What made you agree to include Bermuda as a stop on that tour? (We're obviously grateful you did!)
It's been amazing! By the end of this year I have taken it to six countries and every stop I make is selling out. I haven't received one bad report from the people who have come out, but I've received several comments on how it's changed their lives. Men and women have written in to tell me how much they learned and how much they enjoyed it. I decided to add Bermuda because I've never been and I heard that it's beautiful, so I want to see it for myself and meet the people. Hopefully I can come back every year.
Speaking more generally, why do you think people these days tend to struggle with finding and keeping love? Is there anything you've learned along the way that you'd say to encourage them?
People just don't love and respect themselves the way they need to. So therefore that leads to settling and a relationship with two people who are settling won't be strong enough to last. We have to learn what love really is and what a relationship really is. I can tell you, it's not pain. My wife and I haven't yelled in over five years and there are some key strategies to that success and that's what I'm going to share at the seminar.
How did it come about that you got the chance to become a motivational speaker? Why did you want to do that?
I didn't choose it, it chose me. I'm not a speaker in the normal sense. This isn't my passion first, it's my purpose first. I'm on orders from above and I'm just trying to fulfil my assignment. [I believe that this is] bigger than me. I'd much rather stay home with my family, but this is something that I must do. It's my calling. I can't sleep at night if I try to run from this calling. I've been able to reach 30 million people a week through Facebook alone. It's a huge responsibility because hundreds of thousands of people actually take my advice, but I understand that it's not my wisdom, it's God's. I'm just a vessel.
What's the biggest compliment or best feedback you've ever got for your work?
I don't keep track of compliments. I don't want an ego. I want to keep a servant's heart and when you listen to praise it goes to your head and you begin to think it's you and that it's about you.
Did you ever think your career would be where it is at today? Why do you think you've managed to gain so much traction in this field of motivational speaking?
I did think it would get to this point, but I didn't think it would happen this fast. I think I've reached this level because of my obedience to God and the call on my life. I live what I teach and I walk in integrity and I believe that God has propelled me faster than those who may be in it for the wrong reasons, or living life as a wolf in sheep's clothing. I am just a servant. I come from nothing. I don't have the most education, neither do my parents. My only mentor I have is my father. The only book I read is the Bible. I wasn't trained or certified by man. Everything I have and everything I've done has been divine intervention and I'm not ashamed to say that. It's not me, it's Him who is working through me.
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